The Meg (3D)
Cert: 12A / 113 mins / Dir. Jon Turteltaub / Trailer
Of course, it was around 60 seconds into the opening titles of The Meg that I realised my error. I'd booked for the 3D screening*1. A presentation format which does not mix well with settings consisting of underwater-murk. It does not mix well at all. At all.
So. If Skyscraper was Jurassic Park with a building (it was), The Meg could well be Skyscraper underwater. Eccentric billionaire Jack Morris (Rainn Wilson) has funded 'Mana One', a state-of-the-art oceanic research laboratory in China, managed by Dr. Minway Zhang (Winston Chao) and his oceanographer daughter, Suyin (Bingbing Li). Morris visits the facility to check on its progress, but during the inspection a scout-submarine is stranded on the seabed after being attacked by a megalodon, a 75ft and thought-to-be-prehistoric shark.
In order to rescue the crew, the team on the Mana One decide to call in the only living man capable (and insane enough) to do the job - Jonas 'I don't do that shit no more' Taylor (The Stath™). Sheer coincidence has it that Jonas' ex-wife is one of the submarine's three inhabitants, because that's the kind of movie this is. Don't worry, that is not the most eye-rolling part of the film. Anyway, The Meg is pissed off, The Stath™ is pissed off, let's sit back and watch the underwater fireworks...
As a Summer action film aimed at people who don't like films, the Stath's™ is a role where he gets to mansplain most of the major plot points and the supporting characters are scriptually obligated to thank him for it. Great work, I'm sure. The overblown nature of our hero's macho-grumpiness and survivors-guilt is only matched by his contracted shirtless scene. That said, all credit goes to our leading man's game-face as he delivers some of the year's most excruciating dialogue. And it's good to see that The Stath™ has gone full-method on this one, with his accent in the waterlogged adventure duly operating under maritime law. By which I mean it does not fall under the jurisdiction of any single country…
The rest of the cast are airdropped into roles so unremarkable that the term stereotype seems unfeasibly generous, with monotype being closer to the mark. Suffering the most at the hands of a four-strong casting team who apparently hate actors is Ruby Rose as the emo-haired hacker Jaxx, who spends most of her time not at a keyboard. Because when the third xXx movie offers a performer a more interesting gig than a shark-flick, it really is time to switch agents.
None of this is why the audience are here of course; they're waiting for the monster. And director Jon Turtletaub doesn't drag out the reveal of the star attraction, nor skimp on it afterward. The shark looks good and the effects teams have done a solid job of delivering a sense of scale - no mean feat given that there's not too much visual size-comparison in an underwater setting. The jump-scares are thoroughly telegraphed in accordance with both the genre and the 12A certificate, but they deliver for audiences who are willing to play the game. What's more, although The Meg itself is a computer-rendered simulation, its relentless primal anger may well be the most emotionally-sincere performance of the whole film*2.
But can a 21st century shark-screenplay at least resist the temptation of a crowded beach panic scene? Can it fuck. With the arrival of act III, the ocean depths no longer hold the film-makers' attention and The Meg has decided to go the shoreline for a Chinese. Although this results in a popping zorb-ball which provides one of two moments that actually utilise the 3D format.
Credit where it's due, The Meg is marginally better than 47 Metres Down since it's not trying to disguise its ridiculousness. But it's not as good as The Shallows, on account of The Shallows being a shark-film that's not about sharks.
Very much by-the-numbers, and almost entirely what you'd expect from a film where The Stath™ punches a giant fish for two hours, what you get out of this will depend very much on the baggage you take in with you. Your humble correspondent was laden with bored cynicism and was rewarded accordingly*3.
The Meg is largely okay at what it does, but what it does is not largely okay.
The best line comes from The Stath™, naturally:
"This is possibly the worst moment of my life."
I know buddy, I know...
Most modern disaster movies, the type of which increasingly star The Rock.
You may as well.
Any sense of grandeur you get from watching a 75-foot shark on a 75-foot screen is going to be lost when this washes up in your living room.
See above.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
We very well might.
There isn't.
Level 1: Masi Oka stars in this, and he was a digital effects artist in episodes I, II and III.
This doesn't really deserve a 4, but if I give it a 3 that puts it below my score for 47 Metres Down, and the truth is it's not that bad.
*1 The 3D being in such high audience demand that of the four screenings of The Meg at my local today, only one was in the stereoscopic format, and that was in the smaller 137-seat screen. And 19 of those were occupied as the BBFC card came up. It's certainly appears that you can count all the people still interested in 3D on one rescue-sub... [ BACK ]
*2 Actually that's not entirely fair. The amount of screenplay-influence wielded by the Chinese production companies means that - in addition to the story location - Winston Chao and Bingbing Li get to carry out borderline-obscene levels of overly earnest familial, moral and environmental preaching, in a style that's completely detached from a monster/disaster movie. [ BACK ]
*3 And while I'm almost certain it was just me, I couldn't help but think that those two speeder-submarines used for the finale looked an awful lot like the Jedi Starfighters from the opening battle of Revenge of the Sith. That said, on more than one previous occasion on the seabed I'd thought "Monsters out there, leaking in here... all sinking and no power? Whena yousa thinking weesa in trouble?"... [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Good things come to those who wait, and viewers in the UK have been standing by for the arrival of Marvel Studios' Ant-Man And The Wasp for almost a month. The twentieth film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe landed in the US on 6th July, but the UK release was postponed until 2nd August, reportedly because some people were playing football or somesuch.
But cometh the hour, cometh the ant, and Peyton Reed's anticipated sequel is finally here. The story picks up around two years after the events of Captain America: Civil War, but before those of the recent Avengers movie. Having struck a plea-deal with the FBI for Ant-Man's part in breaking the Sokovia Accords, Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) is nearing the end of a 24-month house-arrest, while Hope van Dyne (Evangeline Lilly) and her father Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) have spent the time on the run, legally complicit in Lang's crime by virtue of owning the equipment he used to shrink and enlarge himself.
The Pyms haven't been idle in their time though, and are nearing completion on a machine to explore the Quantum Realm, certain now that they can rescue Hank's wife (and Hope's mother), Janet van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer), who's been lost in there for 30 years. For this, they need to bring Lang out of his enforced retirement. But the product of their secretive work is in high demand, and black market tech dealer Sonny Burch (Walton Goggins) has gotten wind of what they're building, as has a mysterious entity known only as the Ghost (Hannah John-Kamen), who is equally keen to acquire the finish product. The race for the Quantum Tunnel is on, but do any of its participants realise exactly what they're hoping to unleash..?
The good news - Marvel have succeeded once again, demonstrating why they're the market leaders in superhero movies which are entertaining, heartfelt and funny. Director Reed keeps the plates spinning with a focused skill, smoothing out the often-competing plot strands. As hectic as the five-author screenplay becomes, everything pulls in the same direction, blending action and humour in the way we've come to expect, all set against the backdrop of the larger continuity.
Paul Rudd is on solid form as our flippantly laid-back hero, still trying to balance a slightly dysfunctional family life with his membership of the Avengers. Evangeline Lilly gets to shine more properly this time around, stepping into the Wasp costume revealed at the end of the first instalment. Bringing both brains and brawn to the partnership, Hope van Dyne threatens to overshadow her counterpart on several occasions with a performance which is bigger than the script Lilly is working from.
Elsewhere, Michael Douglas holds the fort once more as the irascible Dr. Hank Pym, matched only by an unusually brittle turn from Laurence Fishburne as his ex research colleague, Bill Foster. Light slapstick and bickering duties are carried again by Michael Peña, T.I. and David Dastmalchian, while Judy Greer, Bobby Cannavale and Abby Ryder Fortson return to flesh out Lang's home-life.
But the show is very nearly stolen by Hannah John-Kamen's Ghost. A fantastic emotive and physical performance coupled with a character who's in a satisfyingly grey area make this antagonist arguably the most interesting aspect of the entire film.
Because while Ant-Man And The Wasp is a great ride and undoubtedly Marvel™, there's something missing.
A huge part of that is the wow-factor. Whereas the 2015's Ant-Man had the element of pleasant surprise on its side, this sequel is weighed down with expectation, much like Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol 2. But rather than build upon the universe of the first entry, Reed's film feels more like an extension. Rudd's trademark deadpan exasperation has been more or less usurped by Chris Pratt's Star Lord at this stage, leaving the former's quips feeling a little flat. And although the gags are fast and frequent here, the script pales next to the gleeful boisterousness of Thor: Ragnarok. It's almost as if the rest of the MCU has overtaken this casual outsider.
The next issue is one of Ant-Man And The Wasp's scale (no pun intended). While the whole MCU project has been on a generally upward trajectory since its birth in 2008, how do you top the dramatic weight of Avengers: Infinity War? Well in this case, you don't. Edgar Wright's original foundations for Ant-Man were separate from Thanos' quest to get his hands on the magical mitt, so even after Wright's departure, the 2015 feature had a 'detached' quality. Of course the in-universe link is stronger this time around, with half of the setup coming from Civil War, but the West-coast location and lack of cross-over characters from other titles give the story the feeling of a spin-off, rather than a numbered chapter within the main narrative. This isn't necessarily a bad thing of course. After all, Disney's other studio, Lucasfilm, played a similar card by succeeding (also chronologically preceding) the divisive heft of The Last Jedi with the breezy swagger of Solo, a sort of palate cleanser for the continuity.
But truth be told, the stakes never feel particularly high in Ant-Man And The Wasp. Walton Goggins' bad guy is certainly painted as an unpleasant character, but carries little sense of actual danger (indeed, his presence seems to be a setup for a long-running joke about truth serum). Considering the title specifically names two characters, Evangeline Lilly's Wasp is still effectively a sidekick here, and the story revolves more firmly around what Ant-Man is up to. Equally, with Brie Larson's Captain Marvel on the horizon, you might think that a female character like Hannah John-Kamen's Ghost would play a more central role in the proceedings, especially given her close ties to the protagonists. Instead, she's criminally underused, a cog which could exist solely to make the machine appear more complex.
And all of this might be more forgivable if it wasn't for the frequent bursts of exposition wrapped in shoddily explained pseudo-science; Marvel is usually above this methodology. Obviously the viewer needs to accept the convoluted concept of items being able to shrink and enlarge at the touch of a button if they're to go with the flow. But they'll also need to believe that a vehicle can be reduced from full-size to that of a child's toy, yet still somehow maintain the same speed on the road after the transformation. As if the physics of wheel-RPM doesn't count in the MCU. And when pedantic things like that are sticking in your humble correspondent's mind during the movie, it's probably not doing all it could be to engage an audience on other levels.
The last four paragraphs aside, the incredible shrinking adventure of Ant-Man And The Wasp is an enormous amount of fun. Perhaps not the Fantastic Voyage it could have been, but it's nice to see that Marvel aren't Downsizing just yet.
Good things come to those who wait. Although great ones seem more arbitrary…
The business-end (not spoilers, but highlight-to-read anyway):
• Is there a Wilhelm Scream?Not that I heard. • Is there a Stan Lee cameo?There is, yes. • Is there a mid-credits scene?Of course there is. • Is there a post-credits scene?There is. More on this in my second-pass review.
Level 1: That un-named First Order Officer from The Force Awakens is in this.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
The Equalizer 2 (Spoilers. No seriously, massive SPOILERS)
Cert: 15 / 121 mins / Dir. Antoine Fuqua / Trailer
Well, credit where it's due, Denzel Washington is arguably making better Liam Neeson films these days than Liam Neeson. And much like everyone's favourite taciturn Irishman, the New York born actor is capable of more, but apparently not interested.
Director Antoine Fuqua returns with his screen-muse for the unwarranted sequel to the movie which no-one asked for, 2014's The Equalizer*1. Robert McCall (Washington) has taken a step up from working at the local B&Q while disrupting the activities of Russian prostitution gangs, and is now a Lyft driver. This gives the former black-ops assassin the perfect opportunity to eavesdrop on the private lives of his passengers, and stick his judicial oar in after they've vacated the car. A bit like a 21st century version of George Formby's window cleaner, if George had gone around putting in the windows of customers he didn't like. Now there's an Ealing comedy I want to get made.
But back to the plot. Or plots. In between donning a Dick Emery-level disguise on the midnight train to Istanbul (no, really) and helping a Second World War refugee be reunited with his long-lost sister (no, really), Bob is a quiet pillar of his local community in Boston, MA*2, and keeps in regular contact with his former colleagues from the killing bureau. Because who wouldn't. Always ready to painstakingly scrub away graffiti with a nailbrush (if anything, he's just working it deeper into the brickwork) and lend worthy books to local drug-dealing apprentices, McCall's existence is trundling along on a fairly even keel until his ex-boss and soup-buddy (not a euphemism) is killed whilst on a works-visit to that dodgy Europe with its Sneaky Unwashed Foreign Types.
Now Bob's got to lay off the taxi driving for a bit and crack the case, because that's why the audience is here. Scenes.
So as you've probably gathered, we're now long past the premise of a humble sociopath protecting his neighbourhood from coincidental injustice, and into the shadowy realms of government conspiracy. You've seen this film before. And that's not to say that Equalizer 2 is outright bad, but it is outright disposable.
For the most part, Washington coasts along with his solemn, thoughtful expression until it's time for a fast-cut fight scene. There are a couple of moments where he begins to channel the more relatable qualities of his character from Fences, and I have to admit that even I thought 'Whoa mate, what are you doing? This is no place for All The Acting, reel that back in. Nobody’s asked for it, and it’s not helping'. These quieter scenes feel almost completely at odds with the autopilot thriller the rest of the movie's set its heart on being. Although they don't last for long.
On the plus side, it's nice to see that the broadly xenophobic tone of the genre (and even of this film's predecessor) takes a back seat here*3, with the threats being of a more home-grown variety. Whether this is pointed commentary or an attempt to make the film stand out in a grubby crowd is up for debate, but rest assured that the audience's emotional-buttons are pushed every bit as systematically, throughout.
The film is efficient in its own nuts-and-bolts way, or rather a cogs-and-gears one, and as a result features plot-turns you can set your watch by. I have to say that Agent Whiskey From Kingsman 2 being the bad guy was the most telegraphed twist since Agent Whiskey turned out to be a bad guy in Kingsman 2.
Probably nowhere near as dreadful as I've made this sound, Equalizer 2 is landing in the middle of what appears to be a cinematic drought. And I imagine that in those circumstances, Sony are rather hoping that an average title will suffice in lieu of an interesting one. And for many punters, that may well be the case. But if you remember watching Mission Impossible - Fallout the other week, you may feel shortchanged. In fact, when you remember that Fallout is still playing in the screen next door, you definitely will...
Equalizer 2 is 'basically fine' at best, its only great feature being the one performer who really should know better.
The contents of the Gift Ideas For Father's Day end-of-aisle stand in your nearest ASDA.
If you have disposable cash and low expectations, why the heck not?
If you're male and have children, they'll end up buying you this for father's day.
It's not.
That's a possibility.
There isn't.
Level 2: Denzel Washington's in this, and he was in The Book of Eli with Ray 'Gar Saxon' Stevenson.
*1 Yeah, the US spelling, with a 'z'. I mean, I respect that because it's the title of the work and Sony have (presumably?) left it deliberately unchanged for the UK release, but it's still painful to type. [ BACK ]
*2 We also learn that Bob has a house out on the storm-battered New England coastline where he used to live with his dead wife, but can't return to for Emotional Reasons™. Obviously he hasn't sold this house, choosing instead to reside in the city and pay the rent/mortgage on two properties as a Lyft driver raking in $16 a pop for journeys. Instead he leaves the abode completely untouched, safe in the knowledge that there's no way it'll be moved into by squatters and that there's no way the flimsy wooden dwelling will be swept into the sea at the first sign of a storm, the likes of which the Massachusetts coastline is famous for (and indeed, the likes of which occurs at the end of this movie). That's Bobby McCall. ALWAYS SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE. [ BACK ]
*3 Apart from the Bond-esque opening sequence of course, where our intrepid hero has taken the train from Boston to Istanbul in a bid to thwart one of those no good Turkish types who's apparently kidnapped his own half-American daughter just to piss off his ex-wife. This guy's old enough, bad enough and in posession a 3-man entourage of minions to suggest that he's not exactly a recent convert to All The Underhand Dealings. And while he's clearly not a by-the-book Islamic Fundamentalist, we get a callback later after the child is reunited with her mother. It's at that point our minds are cast back and we think 'yeah, that's who Mr 'Sneer At The West And Its Values' would go for: a blonde, educated American woman who runs a bookshop'… [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to assess whether Henry Cavill's non-plot-specific facial hair as a new supporting character in the sixth film of an ongoing franchise was really worth making a laughing-stock of history's most iconic superhero*1. Oh, you didn't think I'd forget, did you Paramount? Hahaha mate, nobody's forgotten…
Anyway, that's all water under the Parisian catacombs now as Tom Cruise's more 'sensible' action-vehicle, Mission: Impossible, roars back into our cinemas for another globe-trotting installment. Old faces return and new ones are thrown into the mix as the stakes are raised and Ethan Hunt has to save the world from twin-nuclear armageddon*2 at the hands of a crazed messianic terrorist.
And as jaded/cynical as I've become with the M:I franchise, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a good time with Fallout. On both writing and directing duties, Christopher McQuarrie wears his cinematic heart on his sleeve with nods to other classic movies*3, as well as tying in details from the previous Missions: Impossibles. Despite a massive reference to the first*4 movie in the series (presumably a character-downpayment on future episodes), this is a recipe for an action-cake with espionage-icing, rather than the other way around. Although to be fair, that's been the case since John Woo's sequel in 2000, anyway.
Mission Impossible: Fallout is the kind of film where every twist, turn and sleight-of-hand are telegraphed at least five minutes in advance. The kind of film where spies who furtively meet in Paris are required to do so at the foot of the Eiffel Tower. The kind of film where firearms (small and massive alike) have absolutely no recoil, and high speed vehicle crashes are walked away from with a limp which disappears by the next scene. The kind of film where not only is there a ticking-countdown timer ending, but Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames literally mansplain this to their fellow secret-agent, Rebecca Ferguson. The kind of film where, five minutes later, Pegg explains it again. The kind of film where, two minutes later, Rhames feels the need to vocalise to everyone around him that the countdown has now begun (while we're looking at the timer every third shot). The kind of film where the timer becomes a heavy handed metaphor for the entire screenplay.
But it's still fun. Great fun.
Although they're bringing little new to either the series or their own CVs, the cast are on reliably solid form here. They're who you expect them to be, and they're good at that, at least. Cinematographer Rob Hardy ensures Fallout is beautifully shot, although it's arguably far too glossy for its own good. The recurring lensflare and absolute lack of grit serves to remind the audience that they're on a very expensive and ultimately safe ride. Elsewhere, Lorne Balfe's powerful score drops in just the right amount of the classic signature tune, and keeps the action rolling forward.
And Paramount have done that thing where they make a sixth Mission: Impossible movie, and in this one they even have Ethan Hunt mention the UK's foreign intelligence service MI-6, and yet they don't just call it 'MI:6 Fallout'. I'm old enough to remember the Mission: Impossible II cinema foyer-stands which branded it 'MI-2000' (although I never saw this on anything else*5). Perhaps Ian Paramount thinks he had his fingers burnt with that one..?
Let's be honest here, the last three Mission: Impossible films.
For sheer, bloody-minded entertainment value alone, yes it is.
As much as I enjoyed Fallout, I think it'll lose a lot on the journey to the small screen.
*1 And feel free to discuss among yourselves of course, but the answer is no. No, it wasn't worth that. In fact, while the style itself is the bane of makeup technicians and continuity advisers the world over, Cavill's facial-stubble changes length and density throughout Fallout anyway, often during single scenes. So now two characters look inherently ridiculous because of one moustache. Well played, Paramount… [ BACK ]
*2 "Hey Chris, that idea you had about the nuclear bomb at the end of the film? I watched that American Assassin at the weekend and they had one of them in that."
"…well Terry, we'll fucking well have TWO nuclear bombs then, won't we? Haha! TWO! HAHAHAHA!" "But you've written in two timed-bombs within about 100 feet of each other. Surely the first one will just set of the second anyway? And why not just make one big one which would have the same effect?
"…fuck off, Terry."[ BACK ]
*3 Although I'm fully aware that this could just be how my brain works, Fallout opens with a dream-sequence which dares the audience not to think of Sarah Connor's nightmare in Terminator 2. We then move onto what is basically Ozymandias' scheme from the movie-version of Watchmen, facilitated by the stolen plutonium cat-and-mouse from Back To The Future. And if not for the short release-date differential, I'd swear that Ethan grinding the truck to a halt between two walls was a quick nod to the Corellia-chase in Solo. Hell, at one point Ethan's lying in a bed at a medical centre as he looks weakly up at Ilsa and pleads "No, I'm sorry…", and I thought Chris McQuarrie was going to bring us a tension-breaking homage to Shaun of the Dead… [ BACK ]
*5 Seriously though, do I have False Memory Syndrome on this one? I swear to god that the promo-displays in Dreamland Cinema in Margate said "MI-2000", because the Millennium was still a bandwagon thing even six months into the year. And now I can't seem to find any online record of this happening. Did I make this up because I have some sort of pathological need for tacky marketing campaigns which date incredibly badly? [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
