Creed (SPOILERS)
Cert: 12A / 133 mins / Dir. Ryan Coogler / Trailer
So there's A Young Man right, and he hits people a lot because he never had any real parents and that makes him both sad and angry, then he finds out that His Dead Dad used to hit people a lot as well, only he did it for a job where he got money and won special belts! So The Young Man thinks "why am I working in an office and living with my fabulously rich and kindly stepmother when I could be hitting people for a living?" and he travels to the other side of America to live in a largely unfurnished flat and meet The Old Man who used to hit His Dead Dad, also for a job but also because they both enjoyed it. And The Young Man says to The Old Man 'hey, maybe you could train me to hit people like My Dead Dad used to?' and The Old Man says 'no way kid, I don't do that stuff no more!', but then The Old Man realises who The Young Man is (plus, The Young Man tells him) and remembers he's in A Boxing Film so he'd better do it anyway. So The Old Man trains The Young Man to hit people properly (not like he'd been doing it previously), with a view to getting paid for hitting people and winning special belts.
In the meanwhile, The Young Man meets The Girl One who makes music for a living which sounds like beige wallpaper with a drum machine, and it turns out she's slowly going deaf, which is obviously not a good thing, but at least means there'll be one less person who has to hear the music she makes for a living. The Girl One is fine with The Young Man hitting people and they start going out. Then An English Man With A Beard phones up The Old Man and says "I hear you're training The Young Man who's the son of His Dead Dad? Well, I'm the trainer for The Bad Man and I think they should have a hitting-competition because of a) pride, b) money and c) fun" and The Old Man says "no way man, he won't do that stuff!" but then he remembers he's in A Boxing Film so he'd better do it anyway.
Then, when The Old Man is training The Young Man, he starts being sick a bit over the side of the ring which in a film means he has The Cancer, and the doctors are like "it won't be easy, but we can probably fix that" and at first The Old Man is like "no way doc, I got nothing left to live for anyways!" until he remembers that he has got stuff to live for (plus, his friends tell him), so he decides to get the medical treatment and make The Young Man do his hitting-training by sprinting around a working hospital and doing shadow boxing while medical staff are walking nearby. Then it's nearly the time for the hitting-competition so The Young Man and The Old Man go to Liverpool in England (The Girl One comes over later, too) since that's where The Bad Man is from because a) British people are evil, b) Scousers are apparently even worse. There's a sort of party before the hitting-competition with people asking questions, and The Bad Man says a nasty thing about The Young Man's Dead Dad, which shows that they really don't like each other, to the point where they're prepared to hit each other for money.
Then it is the hitting-competition and the bell rings and The Young Man and The Bad Man start hitting each other. At one point The Young Man gets hit and falls down in slow-motion over the course of about five seconds, which means it was really hard. The Young Man lies still on the canvas floor for a few seconds while A Man In A Shirt counts with his voice, but then The Young Man remembers some things which happened earlier in the film (and also remembers he's in A Boxing Film) which makes him get right up again to continue hitting The Bad Man. They keep hitting each other until The Man In The Shirt says "that's enough hitting, now!" and a bell rings. Then, because neither of The Men are dead, someone else who we haven't met decides which of the men was the best at hitting since he's watched the whole thing*1. The Unseen Man decides that The Bad Man is the best hitter, and for a minute it's sad until The Bad Man comes over to The Young Man and says "your hitting's really rather good, much like your father's" and they make friends and it turns out that The Bad Man was only pretending to be a bad man because it more comfortably fits his sports-persona of enjoying hitting people. You see, we thought The Young Man had lost, but it turns out that he won as well (although not in any legally binding or monetary sense). Everyone is happy by this point.
Even The Young Man who didn't win a special belt.
The Young Man, The Old Man and The Girl one then return to America where the first two of those walk up some steps in about the hundredth lead-weight-reference to The Other Rocky Films.
They are happy. It is the end.
Some people leaving the cinema in front of me absolutely loved all this.
I shouldn't be able to be this bored while watching someone get punched in the face for two hours, surely..?
Other hitting films.
Oh, if you like.
…continually reference The Other Rocky Films? Sure.
Michael B Jordan's pretty great, I've got to say.
That all depends on how effusive you are after watching a children's drama for adults…
There isn't.
Well, technically it's a Level 1 since Creed features a scene with Rocky and the gang watching Skyfall (for no reason at all, admittedly). We see a clip from the tube-crash scene, so technically Creed features an appearance from Daniel 'Stormtrooper' Craig.
But for those of you who say that doesn't count? Level 2: Creed stars Sylvester Stallone of course, who clunked his way through Expendables 3 alongside Harrison 'Solo' Ford…
*1 And this is the second boxing flick within a year where the audience spends two hours watching the underdog claw his way up from the gutter and into the floodlit ring of destiny, face off his opponent and his personal demons, pour his heart, his soul and his bleeding face into twelve rounds of bodily combat… only to get to a draw at the end and have the result decided by some blokes sitting behind a desk. It's a total cop-out for a sporting event, and that cheapness certainly isn't lessened for a film. You wouldn't sit through The Great Escape or The Empire Strikes Back only to switch over to an adjudication panel at the end for their opinion, would you?
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
You've got to hand it to The Expendables as a franchise; it's never promised more than it's delivered. The cast-list may grow with each installment, but the complexity doesn't, and although this review is going to come across as incredibly sniffy, Ex3 is undoubtedly the perfect Summer-movie*1, where the phrase "…bang for your buck" is given a new, literal reinforcement.
So Sly™ gets the gang back together for a scrape in the first act of the movie (complete with helicopters, guns and massive, massive explosions) before retiring*2 the old codgers who can't act, out of some apparent sense of paternal camaraderie, and going on a lengthy recruitment montage with Frasier to get a team of youngsters who also can't act, but are faster at doing it. As a painfully mechanical plot (which is brightened up by the cinematic lunacy of Mel Gibson) trundles on, both groups of mannequins are drawn together to bridge the gap of generational dimwittedness, whilst Sly™ winces after having a set-runner spray a mist-gun over his eyes to emulate happiness. Actors you don't know the names of die; actors you at least recognise, don't. But at least this one doesn't have Bruce Willis in it, right?
The film is absolutely dreadful of course, but it's the kind of dreadful that you can at least laugh along to, and given the overall average of 2014, that's a blessed relief. Truth be told, there is at least more for the co-starring cast to do this time around, whereas last time they'd drop into a scene, wave 'hello' and then exit sharply. The roll-call of Saga-eligible thesps is still considerable, but there's some reason for them being there, even if it's a flimsy one (Yes, you Jet Li). Wesley Snipes looks like he was having an absolute blast making this movie (although his character is batshit-crazy in one scene and solemnly focused in the next; Patrick Hughes in the director's chair, there), as does the aforementioned Mel Gibson, who I haven't seen be this nuts since Machete Kills. Curiously, the only genuine sense of chemistry on display is between Stallone and Jason Statham, continuing the self-effacing, understated man-love they displayed in Ex2. It's this which leads me to believe that the potential is there for a series of much stronger movies, although it's debatable if they've ever aspired to be anything more than guns and grunting.
Ironically, the only display of actual acting in the entire film comes from Antonio Banderas, whooping, irritating and hamming things up beautifully as the Jar Jar Binks of the Expendables. Of all the faces on-screen, his is the only one that dares to break character, which for this series is almost revolutionary…
Clichéd, mechanical and gloriously dumb, The Expendables 3 is the Lynx Africa of action movies; very easy to take the piss out of, but far better than the alternative, ie stinking.
Pretty much.
Only when the shells were flying.
I think it achieves what Stallone wants it to…
The explosions are huge fun on a massive screen. Stallone attempting to emote isn't.
Nah.
I won't avoid it, but I doubt I'll seek it out.
For some reason best known to the creator of the universe and all that exists within it, there ain't.
Can we hold the Stallone to the phrase in the trailer, "one last ride", on some sort of legal basis? It's really best that this ends with part three, and I'm already wincing in anticipation of The Expendabelles…
*1 If only because if it was released at any other time of year it'd get a thorough pasting. Which it seems to have gotten anyway, admittedly. *2 Not 'retiring' in a Blade Runner sense. Although as coincidence would have it, Ford's rickety, laboured, by-the-numbers performance in this film indicates that he may well be a replicant after all. There's a frailty to the guy which genuinely worries me about his role in Star Wars Episode VII, now…
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Escape Plan Cert: 15 / 115 mins / Dir. Mikael Håfström
So let me get this straight, my local will show the movies with Arnie and Sly in them together, but not the ones they make separately? There's clearly a line between the two that's not being crossed by their solo work. I suppose it's because they're little-known indie actors? Ah well. Anyway…
Escape Plan is as 'Saturday night' as they come; all muscles, glaring and shouting. No hunks in sight, just a bunch of gnarly middle-aged*1 men, ready to knock the shit out of each other in the name of cinematic adrenaline. And viewed on those terms, it works well. The film's not trying to be a game changer, it's just giving Mr. S and Mr. S a well deserved break from the knucklehead characters they're used to playing. The guys actually have a coherent script to read for once, they pull it off, and it's very welcome.
All things considered, it's standard double-cross-thriller fayre, but executed with enough conviction to be very watchable throughout, and could well have been a lesser film in other hands. Amy Ryan and Fifty Pence*2 put in decent roles as Sly's contacts on the outside, but are ultimately reduced to exposition-bearers, as all the action's taking place at the prison. The same goes for Sam Neill who stars ably as the prison doctor, and whose part seems to have been reduced after the part was written, somehow. I definitely wanted to see more of all these characters, but with already 'adequate' runtime of just under two hours, that wasn't to be.
There's a feeling early on that the film wants to be an episode of Hustle, although this subsides as the action increases. It would have been nice to have kept riding that wave (like Now You See Me does), but it's no great hardship; it's there to wind up the machine so we can enjoy it playing itself out.
Undemanding without being stupid, entertaining without resorting to slapstick, Escape Plan is the direction that messrs Stallone and Schwarzenegger need to be pushing their careers in, not the live-action cartoons of wisecracking mercenaries. Best enjoyed with a beer in your hand, so you may want to wait for that BluRay?
Yep.
I did.
Pretty much.
It's nice on the big screen, but that's not essential for enjoying it.
No.
More than likely, yes.
I thought I heard one buried in there, but it was in an explosion which didn't require the sound of someone screaming alongside it, so I'll go with no.
That bit when Sly's in solitary and we see the camera looking down on him. Why doesn't that shot show his bunk? It's there in the in-cell shots, but the ceiling view has it missing. And it's not the overhead grille blocking it out, because you can see the walls clearly. Come on, Summit Entertainment, why oh why oh why etc?
*1 You're right, I am being kind, there.
*2 Yes, I am hilarious.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
I didn't think there'd be a time when Schwarzenegger and Stallone had separate movies released within a week of each other, and my local mutliplex showed neither of them. Ah, well. I finally caught Arnie's flick on DVD, and now I've got the pair.
There's plenty to love and loathe in Bullet To The Head; a New Orleans setting knocks on to some gorgeous bluesy soundtracking, and there's a lot of natty gunplay with headshots aplenty. Then the movie's let down by some intermittently awful scripting and acting, and a bickering relationship between the protagonists consisting mainly of casual racism. I can't work out what's worse - Stallone's narration-voiceover script, or his delivery of it. Outside of the mumbling mainman, the plot's not as clever as it'd maybe like to think it is, and any dead air in the script is filled with audience-friendly exposition (ie: news reporters explaining shootouts in exactly the way they never do on the news). Bearing in mind the genre of movie this is, not of it's really a deal-breaker, but there's the feeling it could have been handle much more adeptly.
Back on the plus side, there's some interesting sound design in that the music stops completely for a lot of the fight-scenes, giving them a rawer feel than we're used to in these capers. And speaking of which, Jason Momoa is rather great as the main bad-guy, Keegan, being both physically threatening and very articulate when the script allows it.
There seems to be some perfect-storm of sloppy acting, writing and direction stopping Bullet To The Head from being quite as throw-away-enjoyable as it should be. It struggles bravely, but ultimately just becomes throw-away. I suspect the comic version was a lot more entertaining.
Pretty much.
Not really.
Not really.
Watch it if you must, but don't pay for the privelege.
Yeah.
Probably not.
There isn't. Which seems silly, tbh.
Why is Stallone still doing this? Why, though?
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a 'catch-up' review. I watched this film at home, not at the cinema. I saw the trailer for this at the cinema, and I would have seen the film there too, but they didn't/couldn't show it. So now iTunes, Amazon, Netflix and Blockbuster get to reap the rewards of my local's advance-advertising, and I'm sure they're delighted. Now you may say "oh come on, they can't show everything down there", and that would be a valid point if they didn't do things like running Taken 2 for six weeks. Was it that successful? No, I don't think so. Twilight? Batman? Les Mes? Sure, go for it; if they're pulling the punters in then keep making that money. But Taken 2? I ask you. Anyway, this is essentially a DVD review, but still of a new(ish) film. There. I'm glad that's sorted.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
