Sunday, 28 June 2026

Short Weird Tales: Waiter


Around half a mile out from the shoreline, the thing stared as Jonathan bobbed in the water. The jagged rock seating the thing was easily large enough to accommodate the creature - arguably uncomfortably. While fitting two onto its surfaces would have been possible, if a squeeze, there were still enough surrounding fangs of granite for the man in the water to grab, that he might have a respite from his efforts to stay afloat. But Jonathan had not grabbed the rock. Whether through fear, embarrassment or just plain confusion, the man in the meticulously engineered wetsuit seemed content for the moment to paddle at a general standstill while he returned the favour and stared at the thing perched - quite casually - on the submarine outcropping.

"What are you doing here?" the thing asked, frowning inquisitively.

Jonathan knew something was being said - and obviously toward him since no one else was present - but he couldn't hear it properly. For one thing, seawater was lapping into his ears, a combination of the ocean's natural waves and his arms repeatedly flapping around his shoulders. For another, the speaker was unclear because of the short, soupy tentacles trailing across the lower half of the its face. The tentacles were not necessarily the weirdest aspect of everything Jonathan was looking at, but he supposed they'd easily make the top five.

The creature was broadly human in size and shape - two arms, two legs, a head - and heavily muscled, but was covered from head to foot in coarse, dark green scales. Quite naked, if standards of common decency could be applied to something so obviously alien, it sat among the stone shards as if on a throne, with occasional ragged strips of seaweed hanging off its own scales, spines and plates. That the creature was of the sea should be evident by this location alone, but it seemed for all the world to be not quite used to being out of it. This, despite the fact that hunched together behind its back were a pair of large, folded, undulating dragon wings. The wings would probably be at the top of the aforementioned weirdness-list. Given the overall bulk of the thing, it seemed unlikely these could be used for flight from a standing position, but Jonathan imagined they would be useful for gliding in a free-fall situation. The thing's chest heaved as it breathed heavily.

"What. Are you. Doing. Here?" it repeated, and Jonathan couldn't tell if the thing was being impatient, condescending or sarcastic. Great. He was being sassed by a sea monster. Worse than that, he realised with sudden clarity that he didn't have a clear answer to this simplest - and most logical - of questions.

The boat? The kayak, yes. He remembered the kayak. He had been out kayaking with Tony. He remembered Tony. That was right, it had been Tony's idea to come out. He wasn't blaming Tony for what happened, but it had been Tony's idea. Jonathan should probably say something. He wasn't sure he was up for the awkwardness of being prompted a third time.

"Tony?" he finally croaked, the sudden combination of breathing, paddling and talking making him realise how tired he already was.

"Tony," the creature replied flatly. "What is 'Tony'?"

"My friend... my friend, Tony", Jonathan rasped, already impatient with the physical and mental demands of holding a conversation in open water.

"And where... is Tony?" the thing inquired, genuinely puzzled.

"Tony's gone," came the reply. No point in lying, but no need to elaborate either. Hell, he was going to have to tell someone sooner or later, he may as well start getting his story straight.

"Gone." A flat affirmation. No judgement there. "...do you mean dead?" Again, a genuine question, albeit on which cut straight to the heart of the matter.

"Yes... yes, he's dead. Look, can I--"

"Why?" the creature interrupted. "Why is he dead?"

Jonathan stared for slightly too many beats.

"He drowned. Tony drowned."

The thing on the rock seemed perplexed by this. Being evidently aquatic however, Jonathan supposed that the idea of drowning seemed as unusual to it as he himself would find death by 'too much air'. The man in the water had nothing more to add, so the silence grew in the gap between them and the sea and the sky.

"Why?" it asked, simply.

A startlingly brilliant question, why indeed? Because humans aren't amphibious? Because Tony couldn't hold his breath long enough to survive? Because water had filled his lungs instead of air? They were all answers to the question. Correct answers. But somehow, Jonathan knew that wasn't what the question - the questioner - meant.

"He... we had an accident... in his boat. We had an accident, there was a wave..."


"Of course there was a wave, this is the ocean."


"No, no I mean a big wave. By the rocks. It took us by surprise."


"And Tony drowned?"


"Well not... yes... I mean, I don't know. It was confusing, you know?"

"I know you didn't drown."

What the hell was this? Jonathan had hardly got his bearings and now he was being, what, cross-examined?

"I tried to help him," the swimmer feebly protested.

The creature leaned forward, bringing its - his? - misshaped head closer to Jonathan's level. "Did you though?"

"Yes, yes! We capsized, both of us! The wave! Tony couldn't get out in time, I couldn't get him out!"

"But you could get yourself out?" The creature seemed intent on getting to the bottom of this.

"Yes, look, I don't know why he couldn't--"

"How did you try to help him?" No reply. "Describe it."

"Look, what the fuck is this? I don't have to explain myself to you!"

"I didn't see you trying to help him."

"What."

"I didn't see you trying to help... Tony, was it? When you capsized. I watched you get out, I watched Tony struggling, then I watched you... watching."


"I..." Jonathan felt like he was in the deep-end in every sense. "If you saw us, why didn't you fucking help? Did you do this? Did you kill Tony?"

"No, I did not kill Tony, er, I don't know your name by the way, I did not kill Tony. The sea did that. You watched it."


Jonathan began to experience what he could only describe as a reality attack, as the gravity and absurdity of the situation settled over him while the sun began to dry his hair with the only warmth he could feel in his entire body.

"What do you want?" Jonathan asked pointedly.

"I want to know why you waited."


"I was waiting for Tony to get out of the fucking kayak. We've both done this in training, we knew how to get out of a flip. I was out. I didn't want to get in the way!"


"Oh," the thing seemed mollified, slightly. "This... 'training'. Did it include rescuing others from 'a flip'? Did it cover helping other people in distress?"

"Well yes, but I don't--"

"And that training," the thing interrupted again, "that instinct, it didn't kick in? You waited, what were you waiting for?"

"...Fuck off! If you watched all this then why didn't you help? Fuck off!!"

"But why would I help? The pair of you seemed to know what you were doing. Especially you. Very capable."


Jonathan was furious by now, and the attention he focused on his ire saw an accusing finger jabbed toward the thing on the rock. The result of this sudden non-paddling was for his head to submerge completely for a few seconds until Jonathan regained his focus, if not his composure.

He swam forward and wrapped his right arm around a protruding pillar, coughing up seawater as he did so. His scaly interlocutor remained quizzically calm, and Jonathan knew the topic of conversation was not yet concluded. Catching his breath he tried the last point again, with what he hoped was more reason.


"Why did you let Tony die, then?"

"No," the thing remained unmoved. "That is what I am asking you to explain."

"I was, I was just waiting, okay? I was trying to get my thoughts straight." While this was not necessarily true in the fullest sense, both parties knew it was the closest Jonathan had come to emotional honesty since he'd swam toward the outcropping.

"Waiting," the creature mused, "hesitating, stalling some might say. Tell me, er sorry, I don't know your name?"


"It's Jonathan," he grunted, aware that the rock which was keeping him above water was also anchoring him to unforeseen consequences.

"Tell me, 'Jonathan', how long were you going to wait before assisting your friend, Tony? How long did you think it would be before it was too late? How long were you going to keep coming up for air before dropping back under the surface to watch your friend die? Given of course that you did in fact wait longer than all that and then you swam here."


"I... I didn't..." Jonathan then felt what he could only inwardly describe as a wave of rationality watching over him. This was actually fine. It obviously wasn't happening. Logic dictated that Jonathan was not, in all actuality, being interrogated by a know-it-all sea monster, and must instead be suffering from some admittedly vivid trauma response to an incredibly stressful ordeal. Even if the worst came to the worst and he couldn't pass this off as a tragic accident, even if Jonathan found himself explaining his perceived chain of events at Tony's funeral, in a police holding cell or - god forbid - in a courtroom, it wasn't as if the creature from the blue lagoon here was going to walk in and start acting like the counsel for the prosecution. Jonathan wouldn't be mentioning this infuriating bastard to anybody, and the infuriating bastard wouldn't be mentioning any of it. Because it/he wasn't real. And if the creature wasn't real then Jonathan was presumably clinging to an exposed rock and gibbering to himself in the aftermath of a near-death experience; his brain was clearly trying to make sense of everything which had happened, so there was probably no great harm in letting this auto-induced psychodrama run to its natural conclusion, safe in the knowledge that what's said in the ocean stays in the ocean.

"Look," Jonathan began, his voice quickly drifting into a placid finality, "Tony's my business partner. We design wetsuits. Very successfully. The sea is our life! But I knew that if Tony died, his half of the company would get passed over to me. No will, no probate, no fucking about. I'd get it..."


"Right," the sea monster responded, apparently neither surprised nor impressed by this revelation. "And..?"

"And I know Tony hadn't been happy with how things were going. We're making money, shitloads of it, but we'd been arguing about direction and marketing and production and... I know he'd been making plans about leaving. About starting afresh on his own. But with all of the experience - and all the contacts - from our work. And if he left, I'd be fucked, and he knew that."

The thing frowned, "And he could just... leave? Is that allowed?"


"Yeah, it's in the contract from when we set the company up. Either party can leave at any point with a month's notice and demand half of the value of the company on the day of notice, payable within three months. Our solicitor said that wasn't standard but it was me that insisted, and Tony just shrugged and agreed, so it went in."


"And Tony utilised this... this clause?"


"Ha hadn't, but he was going to, I know it. Tony's wife's got a mouth on her, she's been dropping hints to all and sundry."


"So you killed your business partner." Again, there was no moral judgement in the creature's voice, just a methodical setting out of events.

"I didn't fucking kill him, stop saying that, None of this was planned, it just... happened. I didn't kill him, I just... watched him die. That's not the same thing."


"I think legally, you might be on a sticky wicket there..."


"A sticky... you? A sea monster? You're making cricket references? I fucking knew this wasn't real. My imagination needs to raise its game..."


"I haven't always been in the sea Jonathan, I know what cricket is."

This un-nerved the man in the wetsuit more than he thought it should. He'd happily resigned this entire scenario to the racing neurons of brain in crisis mode, but was now having flash-forwards to a murder trial where the primary witness drips saltwater on the courtroom floor and wins the jury round by explaining the intricacies of the LBW rule.

"Listen, if you're so clever then why can't you see that this is what it is? It's very sad, but it's happened now, and I'm sure I'll come to terms with it all with the support of my friends, my family, and the sole ownership of a successful company that I might just end up selling as I slowly process my grief in a conveniently early retirement..."


The thing remained unconvinced. "If you're so clever, why did you swim out to this rock, which was farther away than the shore and in the opposite direction?"


Another brilliantly simple question for which there was - again - no clear answer.

"I was... I wanted to wait. I think. I wanted to get my head around what had happened. There'd be people on the beach, I wasn't ready to start talking about it all before I knew what I should say."


"I noticed."


"Can you fuck off with the sarcasm?"

"Can you start to think? You can barely see the beach from here. You're cold, you're tired, your... 'kayak' was it? That's gone now, and you'll be swimming against the tide. How can you possibly hope to make it back?"


Jonathan had no answer for this. His forward planning had taken reaching dry land for granted.

"And if you do manage to get there," the thing continued, "if your kayak or Tony's kayak - or Tony - have been naturally washed up before you arrive, there are probably going to be questions about what kept you."


The man clinging to the rock was silent now, wishing he could wake up. The creature spoke again, more confidentially.

"There is an alternative..."


Jonathan said nothing, but his grip on the rock relaxed slightly as he looked into the thing's eyes.

"...you wait."

Jonathan held his breath momentarily for more detail, although none was forthcoming. The wordlessness between them was already assuming the shape not of opportunity, but inevitability. This turn of events had always been written into the surfwear designer's future as surely as the final spasm of Tony's water-filled lungs.

"I... wait?"


"You wait."

"What, here? Wait for what?" Jonathan's panic began to rise. "How long can I wait here, you've said yourself I'm exhausted, what am I supposed to do here, how long for, what do you mean 'WAIT'?"


The creature sighed splutteringly, with an air of benign patience. The mood had shifted and a quiet voice in the back of Jonathan's head noted that this might now be the 'good cop' sitting at the desk.

"Yes, you wait here. You wait for things to change. To calm down. To 'blow over'? You wait as long as it takes. Once you make the agreement, the sea will provide."


"Provide?" Jonathan did not understand, although this was hardly surprising. "The fuck do you mean, 'provide'? Stop talking in riddles!"


The scales around the thing's deep green eyes did not flinch.

"Look, you can take your chances swimming back to the shore and whatever questions are gathering for you there, you can take your chances clinging onto this rock and watching the energy that requires reducing your chances of swimming away by the minute, or you can agree to do the wait. Those are your options."

"Why is it 'the' wait, now? Where did the definite article come from?" Jonathan's logical brain had sparked into life with the word 'agreement' and talks of provision. This felt suddenly like a contract was being slid in front of him, although the irony was currently lost on Jonathan that it had been his dogged rigour around contracts which had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

"Do you want prison, do you want to drown or would you rather wait?"

While the man growing colder by the second knew that this was an exaggerated version of his available options, he was also unable to find fault with the spirit of its accuracy.

"Well that's not really a choice, I guess I'll wait." he answered curtly.

"There's always a choice, is that a yes?"

"Yes it's a fucking yes, what is this." A statement, more than a question.

"Excellent, well done you." The thing on the rock seemed to relax slightly. Shoulders softened, its head tilted slightly, but the bubbling voice took on a more procedural tone. "You're to wait here, or hereabouts. You've got a patch of about six or seven nautical miles, depending on tides. If you try to swim further than that, you won't be able to. You'll know when you reach the boundary, but it's difficult to explain, even for me. You can go back to land of course, technically, but by the time you're strong enough to visit, the changes will have started. You need the sea to live, now.

Jonathan had to force his voice above the deafening silence in his brain. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

The creature carried on, reciting an informal list of terms and conditions it had clearly categorised some time ago. "Gills will be first, then your skin will coarsen, the hair will go, then the scales. Your swimming will be stronger from right now. You'll eat fish, shellfish, whatever you can catch or find really, but I hope you like seafood. You'll want to spend the first couple of nights up here on the rock, but it's surprisingly easy to sleep underwater once the gills are functional. Oh, and if you're here longer than around fifty years the wings will start to develop." The appendages on its back gave a joyful shudder. "I still haven't worked out what they're for exactly, but we can't fight biology."

"Hang on, 'we'? Fifty years? Just how long have you been here?"

"Too long, but I'm done now. The troubles that brought me here are long in the past, the witnesses are dead and the case closed unsolved - so I'm told - and I can go back now my replacement is here."

"Repla-- what have you tricked me into?"

"I haven't tricked you into anything, you chose this. Replacement is the release clause. You're to wait until someone comes to take over. The sea... 'changes things'. You'll live longer here. Now, because of these rocks close to the surface of the water, you won't see many people here, but the good news is that you'll really only be noticed if you want to be. Do try and stay out of sight though, the changes are alarming to landers. Imagine what would happen if you saw me walking down your high street."

Jonathan was freezing cold and sweating profusely now. "How... how long am I here for?"


"As long as it takes. Until your replacement arrives. It might only be weeks, days even. Though it could be, er, longer..."

"Wings in fifty years," muttered Jonathan, looking again at the huge folded flaps behind the thing and imagining how resplendent they would look at full span. "You say I can go onto land, though? I could go ashore, I could live there - hide?"


"Be sensible, er Jonathan? Look at me. Where could I have hidden? Unless you find a very understanding fishmonger with a swimming pool in their cellar, how would that even work? Besides, would you rather be trapped there or free here?"

"..."

"Well, relatively free. But yes, you can visit - if you're careful. You'll find you start to seriously dry out if you stay there for longer than, say, the length of an average cricket match. Although they usually take place on sunny afternoons and that obviously exacerbates things."

"So what about you now?" Practical-Jonathan had returned, for how long he did not know. "You're... 'released', but where can you go?"


"I'll start to change back. Not sure how long that will take, but I can begin to feel it already, just like you can."


"Is that what this tingling is?" Jonathan asked, raising a hand gingerly to the side of his neck.

"It is."

"So where will you go?"

"Well, ashore. I don't really have a plan. I have no idea how one goes about financially establishing oneself in this day and age, but I know the cricket club is always on the lookout for staff. I could start there. There isn't a manual for this Jonathan, you just pick up the rules as you go. Think yourself lucky this is me here, my predecessor only spoke French."


"And where is your predecessor?"


"Back safely on land and buried in a picturesque country churchyard after satisfyingly living out the rest of her natural life, I should hope. It was some time ago."


Jonathan had reverted to struggling for the right words, subconsciously aware that time was simultaneously stretching to the unfathomable whilst also growing short. "When will you go?"

"In a moment. I need to leave you to settle in."


"What if I go back before the change? What if I go with you?"

"No, Jonathan. You belong here now..."

And while he detected no malice, sneering or triumph in the sea creature's voice, Jonathan knew this to be unquestioningly true.

"...think of it as a chance to start again," it continued. "Albeit in a while. That'll give you a chance to reflect. To work out who you want to be next time. Even if the world will have changed as well."


"Is this a punishment?" Jonathan asked, sounding very small.

"It's an opportunity. An opportunity not many people get."


"Are there others? Like us? Are there other, what are we, water-people?"


The thing reflected on this for more time than was comfortable. "If there are, I haven't met them. But there are signs that we're not alone. Or weren't always."

"You say I'm to stay in this patch, that I can't go further. What is there, a fence?"


"No, but you'll know. Outside of the boundary the water is different for you. Almost thicker, harmful. You can't swim through it, you'll have to come back."


Jonathan was faintly alarmed by the prospect. "Harmful? Can I be harmed? Can I be killed?"


"It's a bit more complicated than that but yes, harm can come to you. And don't even think about ending it all somehow, your survival instinct is ramping up with the change and it won't let you."

"Actually, I hadn't even thought of--"

"Not yet, but you will in time. That's what you've got now, a lot of time. Right, I need to leave, to work out how I'm going to get ashore unnoticed and where I'm going to lay low while my own changes are happening."


The creature slid down from his stony seat and into the sea with one fluid motion. This made the swimmer cling on to his own fang of rock all the tighter. The buzzing down the sides of his neck was beginning to sting, and it was all Jonathan could do not to scratch.

Bobbing effortlessly on the swell of the ocean, its head and shoulders above the surface, the thing looked undoubtedly like a cheap B-movie costume but was already less 'green'. Still facing the man at the rock, it angled back and started to increase the distance between them.

"Wait, don't go now!" the man cried with mounting panic. "I'm not ready yet, I don't know what to do!"

"I can't stay. And you can't leave," the voice already becoming less distinct as it drifted farther away. "And you only have one thing to do, you wait!"

"But... will you come back? To... to see me?"

"Afraid not Johnson, why on earth would I want to do that?"


"It's Jonathan."

"Okay. Right, goodbye and good luck! You never know, I might see you ashore one day if your wait is only a few years!"


And with that, the creature was gone; slipped beneath the waves between the rock and the faraway beach.

"Years," mumbled Jonathan, to himself, to no-one. "Years?"

With focused difficulty, he heaved his body out of the water to sit on the rock where the thing had been, noticing as he did so the webbing already growing between his fingers. He was suddenly hungry, but didn't know where to begin in rectifying this. What to do next? What to do first?

Jonathan fixed his gaze toward the indistinct specks of people on the beach, and decided the answer would come to him in time.

Ebbscar Times & Gazette, 14 June.

Coastguards were alerted to Ebbscar beach on Sunday when two paddlers are believed to have ran into trouble around the rocks surrounding the south shore. An anonymous call was received at around 11pm by a man saying he had seen the pair in difficulties earlier that day, but had been unable to help. Despite this delayed notification, two empty sea-kayaks were recovered by lifeboat crew members. The body of one man, believed to be in his thirties but without identification, was washed up in the early hours. Police have appealed for witnesses but say the injuries are consistent with drowning.

The whereabouts of the second kayaker are unknown as no further fatalities or rescues have been reported. Ebbscar police are waiting to cross-reference missing persons reports in the days to follow.

Charles Daughtry, supervising manager at Ebbscar lifeboat station, issued a warning to people taking to the sea as the summer begins. "Incidents of this type are not uncommon, tragically, and the rocky area at the isolated south end of Ebbscar beach is particularly treacherous, even for experienced swimmers and paddlers. The majority of the stones there are just under the water-level, and even if you run into difficulties and are seen, we are unable to move rescue craft into the area, My advice to anyone considering swimming or water sports in the sea is simple: this could be the last decision you ever make so stop, consider your options, and wait."




DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• Short stories © WorldOfBlackout.co.uk, all entries are fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Y'know, mostly.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Saturday, 6 June 2026

Review: Star Wars - The Mandalorian And Grogu (spoilers)


Star Wars:
The Mandalorian And Grogu

Cert: 12A / 132 mins / Dir. Jon Favreau / Trailer

There's a very telling line right at the very top of 2015's The Force Awakens. After seven years away from cinema screens*1, Star Wars returned with the great Max Von Sydow's reassurance that "This will begin to make things right". It was not just in reference to the galactic map-fragment he was holding, but a (slightly ham-fisted) message to the audience that the Disney Corporation viewed the Prequel Trilogy-era as marketing anathema, and that everyone was now firmly back in safe hands. We were home! Han, Luke and Leia were back! Albeit never in the same room. Episode VII can be considered a commercial and critical success, although it's not inaccurate to say that the reception and performance of the numbered-chapters which followed and their two standalone cinematic interludes was more, well, variable. After a somewhat muddled Rise Of Skywalker closed-out a trilogy that left next to no cultural footprint, the new Lucasfilm's on-the-fly approach to filmmaking bled over into television output for Disney+, and proved just as tonally erratic. Of course the poster-boy for the small screen-era of the Galaxy Far, Far Away has been The Mandalorian, and despite that the show has its own problems, he is the hero who's been chosen for the 2026 return of Star Wars to the big screen.

So it feels notable that the first words spoken on-screen after another seven years away from the cinema come from Hemky Madera's Imperial Warlord Commander Barro, proclaiming to his subordinates and the viewership alike "I think we can all agree that things were better under the Empire". Again, it's no coincidence that this line is subtextually loaded. Even accounting for 2015-19 being ostensibly under the auspices of JJ Abrams while this phase is in the hands of Dave Filoni, the jibe is still effectively Disney-era Lucasfilm dunking on its own movies. The First-Order stuff you're nudging us to disregard was still made by you, lads. The opening line of dialogue also sets up the expectation, not unfairly, that what's about to follow is going to be pretty special...


SEASON


Timelines are deliberately sketchy under LFL's new management, but The Mandalorian And Grogu takes place after the show's third season, so probably around eleven years after the events of Return Of The Jedi. Din Djarin (Pedro Pascal) and his little green Force-wielding sidekick (himself) are still in the bounty hunting game, but have found a more stable paycheck in taking jobs from the fledgling New Republic (the authoritative face of which is presented here by Sigourney Weaver's Colonel Ward). This rolling contract involves the capture (or, if push comes to shove, elimination) of various mid-ranking Imperial Remnant warlords, before they can amass enough power to bring back the Empire. The movie opens James Bond / Indiana Jones style with Mando in the middle of snagging the aforementioned Barro, prior to being assigned the job of tracking the mysterious General Coin on a trail which will take him deep into Hutt space...

So it's been long established that Disney wanted to move away from the 'Episode' numbering system of cinematic installments (and with fair reason given their hopping around the timeline in each 'non-Skywalker-saga' project), but as well as the omissions of regular features we'd expect here (no lightsabers, no Artoo and Threepio*2 , no Wilhelm Scream), this is also the first branded Star Wars movie to open without the 'A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away...' title card, the first to feature cast and production names in the opening credits, and the first to end without sweeping into John Williams' closing score. It's perhaps also worth noting that the aqua-green 'swoosh' branding used across the film's marketing material is nowhere to be seen in the film itself, opting instead for a flat, two-colour title card of the established Mandalorian-logo/font. Progress is one thing, but it's unclear whether moving forward by becoming more 'ordinary' will prove to be a winning strategy for the franchise.

And that question of identity extends well past the title sequence.

The final screenplay here is very clearly several episodic storylines taped together, and the flow of the movie suffers as a result. 2008's The Clone Wars cinematic outing was also plagued by this of course, but at least in the days of network TV those episodes were all the same length. True to Mandalorian TV-form, each of these strands is 'as long as it needs to be', which means the overall pacing is at best baffling and at worst incoherent.


EVIL


As much as tMAG doesn't rely too heavily on the TV show's own established continuity (the price of entry is surprisingly low, you can watch this having only seen the first season), it was never going to be truly Standalone™, coming as it does after 15½ hours of its televisual predecessor's run-time. The fact that the film doesn't even try to expand on those previous events or leave the timeline any real consequence*3 other than finally giving Mando another ship he can use to do his actual job in*4 is - admittedly - a weightier burden. Outside of the eponymous pairing very few faces from the small-screen return here, whereas new faces pop up intermittently throughout the run-time thanks to the sequential format. Worse, Star Wars' tradition for clearly and verbally naming its major players in the first act is a coin-toss affair. Zeb Orellios from the Rebels animated series had a background cameo in the TV show but shows up here as a fairly major supporting character, yet his name is only muttered twice in the script where it's lost in the wall of noise. Likewise, iconic Clone Wars bounty hunter Embo features heavily in the movie's mid-section (I can't say 'second act', that's not how this is made) and is effectively nameless on-screen (again, it's said once among longer dialogue, and I only know that because I went out of my way to attend a subtitled screening).

The screenplay does occasionally try to lean into genuine emotion between the two lead characters, but usually undercuts itself with whimsy, stoicism or the fact that one of them is wearing a helmet over his facial expression (and let's face it Pascal is no expressive mime-artist) and the other is a puppet; a nicely expressive puppet for the story's broader strokes, but without Yoda's wrinkles (and size), Grogu's range is, shall we say, limited.

Pascal puts in a reasonable enough turn as Djarin overall, of course. By this point he knows how to play the part, and in the majority of his scenes here he's interacting with effects-work, so the character's trademark stand-offishness works perfectly well. On first viewing though, I found Sigourney Weaver's Colonel Ward to be equally stilted, even more than the character's rank and position suggesting she might be. The next time round, however, I noticed that Weaver's delivery is actually channelling Carrie Fisher's Leia in the Sequel Trilogy films, and the thought occurred that had things panned out differently in our own timeline, it might have been General Organa we saw handing out the 'Gulf War' cards.


DENVER


In fairness, while the film doesn't do much to develop its own cast, it is considerably more interested in playing with the wider toybox.

Despite that opening line as above, there is a reasonable smattering of Sequel Trilogy referencing here (the Anzellans in particular, as well as droid archetypes from across the 2015-19 films), an Original Trilogy-heavy opening sequence (with bonus INT-4 Mini-Rig for those of a certain age) and Prequel Trilogy vibes coming from adapted antique battle droids and their STAP-riders. With Clone Wars supervising-director Dave Filoni now in the big chair at Lucasfilm it's perhaps no surprise that the animated series perhaps has the biggest external influence, with that bounty hunter and his amazing hat doing his best to steal any remaining scenes not nabbed by Jabba's boy Rotta The Hutt (who is, of course, His Own Man™), both characters originally created on his watch. It can't be escaped, however, that Mr Filoni seems to think his cameo appearances are comparable to those of Alfred Hitchcock, when they are instead absolutely of the same calibre as M. Knight Shyamalan's...

Visually, the movie lands in a similarly mixed place.

When the action is taking place outdoors (thankfully often) cinematographer David Klein's visuals are dense and richly detailed (even if they do have that slightly muted, artificial hum brought about by filming on a soundstage), but a lot of the interior scenes are ludicrously dark. And as you'd expect, this problem is only exacerbated through a pair of 3D glasses*5. 2018's Solo had the excuse of removing detail to try and preserve budget on a production which required 80% reshoots, but tMAG should be under no such restrictions. In more than a few of the melee-fight scenes it's difficult to tell what's actually happening (made worse in the life-sized Dejarik battle, where watching CGI berserker-creatures clobbering other CGI berserker-creatures is, I'm afraid, terminally uninteresting*6). And if the clarity can't be picked out on a cinema-sized screen in blackout-conditions, good luck watching this on Disney+ in your living room.

And while I'm here and complaining about things on a slightly unfair technical level, the Imperial Officers of the Original Trilogy had those Hugo-Boss-inspired*7, razor-sharp uniforms and received-pronunciation accents (that's Radio 4 Continuity Announcer to you), largely as a result of trained Shakespearean actors from RADA and the Royal Central School of Speech and Acting. While Commander Barro's informal fur-collar can be explained by his snowy surroundings and his diction at least retains force and authority, the Empire now seems whittled down to the point where we get General Coin, a bald bloke in a grey tweed sports-jacket who looks and speaks like a mid-tier gang boss from Bermondsey. I am still genuinely tickled at how some Americans (which in this case appears to be the entire production and editing staff at Lucasfilm) have an absolute tin-ear for the British accent and its myriad regional implications. No wonder we didn't see Coin during the Original Trilogy; Ozzel, Jerjerrod and Veers would have had him emptying the bins...


TERRITORY


Fortunately, where the film really wants to succeed, it generally does. Ludwig Göransson's score romps the whole thing along nicely (with the slightest dusting of John Williams), even if the soundtrack never feels like it does more than it needs to. The scope and effects work is over-and-above what you'd expect of a TV show (Season Two's krayt dragon notwithstanding), but the overall structure and lasting effect is not. This wasn't made to be 'more than' its small screen sibling, just as an extra story in another medium. Which feels weird given that we've had The Mandalorian for well over half a decade, and the traditional expanded-universe storytelling of comics, novels and video games surrounding it is nowhere to be seen.

In its top-down form, The Mandalorian And Grogu is essentially a series of precariously threaded fight-sequences. Luckily, these fight sequences are where the film positively shines, with Djarin despatching droids and Stormtroopers alike with the adrenaline-glee of an eight year old wired on Haribo and flipping over their Kenner action figures. This really is Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni playing with their toys (and I do not mean this as a criticism).


So does the film show any development of Mandalorian-lore and Din Djarin's evolving place in both honouring his past and forging his people's future, while caring for a youngling who's finding his way between two traditionally-opposing ancient cultures? Nope. Does the film expand upon the mechanisms of the New Republic in its work to rebuild trust and hope in the aftermath of the Galactic Empire? Nope. But is this at least a rounded, satisfying adventure movie designed to appeal to a mainstream cinema audience? Well what do you think? Of course it's not.

Okay, is The Mandalorian And Grogu a fairly undemanding and uncontroversial fandom tickbox exercise which bolts-on perfectly to a TV series which has been - to be fair - absolutely all over the place? Yes, yes it is. Star Wars is well past the era of 'event-cinema' whether we like that or not (to be fair, event-cinema might be well past the era of event-cinema), and in 2026 we have to take the fun where we can find it.

I had enormous fun with this movie.
This is the way.

Okay, it's "a" way...


And if I HAD to put a number on it…



(Y'see, I'm not even sure if The Mandalorian And Grogu should get any star-rating at all. I automatically assign 7 because it's Star Wars and that's my thing, but this is not a full-marks Star Wars movie. It's arguably not a movie at all. But it's still more way satisfying to watch and ponder-over than The Rise Of Skywalker, and that got full marks from me, so what can you do?)


*1 Don't @ me. Yes 2005's Revenge Of The Sith was a decade before 2015's The Force Awakens, but The Clone Wars movie landed at cinemas in 2008, seven years before TFA. Yes, of course that counts. [ BACK ]

*2 There is a moment in the opening titles at the New Republic base on Adelphi (which I swear to god looks like it's two doors down from Tony Stark's mansion) where an R2-unit is being loaded into an X-Wing fighter, and the way it's presented - with the droid right in the middle of the frame, visually uninterupted over a lingering shot - seems to suggest that perhaps this is a cameo from our favourite Astromech. But then, Artoo will be with Luke at this point in the timeline, and he's nowhere to be seen here. This would also be a level of subtlety completely not in keeping with the movie's other cameo appearances, so forget I said anything. But if Dave Filoni turns up on the commentary track saying that's R-D2, you read it here first. [ BACK ]

*3 Okay, two members of Moff Gideon's Shadow Council are removed from the frame here, but after a blink-and-you'll-miss-it introduction one episode before the end of Mandalorian Season Three they were hardly holding the plot together. Potentially more galactic fallout comes from the deaths of the Hutt-twins, but they weren't strictly characters from the Mandalorian series anyway, so it's debatable when their loss will be revisited. [ BACK ]

*4 Yeah I'm going to say it again, they had to give Mando another Razor Crest because he can't be a bounty hunter in an N1 Starfighter with no storage facilities. Why do you think the first mission we see him completing with that ship involves him decapitating someone and bringing just their head back? Because the guy can't bring back any target which doesn't fit into a small duffel-bag. The N1 was a ridiculous idea and he should have never picked up the keys for it. [ BACK ]

*5 Because of course I also went to see this in 3D. More out of novelty than anything else, admittedly. Way back in the dim and distant past of 2019, I recall actually having to travel to another town to watch The Rise Of Skywalker in three dimensions, because my local multiplex was only screening it in two. Even back then it appeared the entire industry and audiences alike had given up on the fad, so I have no idea why stereoscopy is rearing its head again now. For what it's worth, the 3D conversion of Mandalorian is 'basically fine'. It doesn't need the 3D (live-action flicks rarely do), and for the most part it's a forgettable add-on which also makes the film's darker scenes even more problematic. [ BACK ]

*6 No, seriously. Dejarik is presented in A New Hope (and again in The Force Awakens) as the Star Wars version of chess on a round board. The holographic monsters represent pieces which have their own limited and unique movements and powers, resulting in a strategic game that requires both intelligence and experience to play - hence it being so difficult to win against a droid. The "Dejarik match" in The Mandalorian And Grogu seems to involve releasing the real-world counterparts into a circular arena which is at least painted like a Dejarik board, whereby they all just randomly attack each other on account of being wild animals. THAT'S NOT WHAT CHESS IS, IS IT? IF YOU DID LIFE-SIZE GIANT CHESS WITH PEOPLE IN COSTUMES, THERE'D STILL BE RULES. THEY WOULDN'T ALL JUST START STABBING EACH OTHER AND SHOUTING "YES, THIS IS THE CHESS". ffs... [ BACK ]

*7 You know what I mean by that. [ BACK ]


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.