To Illumination Studios now, taking a valiant amount of time away from the franchise which makes them the money and putting that into the sequel which, with the very best will in the world, nobody really asked for. 2016's The Secret Life Of Pets was fun. A flimsy and somewhat linear storyline, but played out by a committed voice-cast and packed with plenty of jokes for animal lovers. So where do we go from there?
PLAGUED This seems to be a question which has plagued writer Bryan Lynch as he struggles to deliver an amiable, if bare-bones, continuation of the pet-centric New York which was crafted first time round. The cast are still on great form (with the inclusion of Harrison Ford as the taciturn sheepdog, Rooster), the character animation and sets are highly polished (although Illumination's character-design for the humans is still as lacklustre as ever), and the whole thing zips along at a heady pace.
And, somewhat ironically, it's this briskness which is the film's undoing. At 86 minutes including all the end credits, this is already a short trip to the movies. But the story quickly splits into three strands (Max the terrier goes on a farm adventure, Snowball the bunny's superhero mission, Gidget the pomeranian's stealth mission) which occur almost entirely separately from each other, only tying up at the end with some strenuous narrative gymnastics. It quickly begins to feel like a trio of straight-to-DVD spinoff adventures, hastily reformatted into a movie at the 11th hour.
FAMINED That's not to say that The Secret Life Of Pets 2 isn't enjoyable (and for a U-certificate it does extremely well on the all-round laugh count), but the lack of imagination that's gone into the title*1 is a fair reflection of the screenplay. With the well of 'hey, dogs do this funny thing' gags just about run dry in the first installment, the humour here is broader slapstick and sight-gags. A fair amount of cat jokes still remain, but any threequel is going to have to think of some actual new content.
For all my grumbling, The Secret Life Of Pets 2 is actually pretty good considering its absolute lack of purpose. And with the trailer for The Queen's Corgi playing right beforehand, you just make the absolute most of the laughs wherever you can find them these days, y'know..?
*1 and while it's more of a marketing concern, check out that tagline on the poster. "They still have their secrets". What? Is that it, Terry? Have you literally written this having no knowledge of the first movie's content, but figuring you can just blag something based on the title structure alone? The 'I Still Know What You Did Last Summer of family animation? Michael Bay called, he wants you to join his scriptwriting team... [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Venom (2D / Vaguely spoiler-ish)
Cert: 15 / 112 mins / Dir. Ruben Fleischer / Trailer
In short: I went to see Venom.
It is not a good film*1.
In long...
If there was ever a celluloid embodiment of the words 'oh mate', this would be the one.
So. It's Los Angeles. Some gooey aliens want to take over the Earth because scientists went into space and that was always going to end badly. We're at the point now where extra-terrestrial invasion narratives are no longer a metaphor for colonial attitudes or fear of progress, but just reflect the page where the library-copy of The Hollywood Screenwriter's Handbook falls open.
VENOM Tom Hardy plays Eddie Brock, an investigative reporter who makes non-branded videos of domestic issues which we first assume are just for YouTube, but are apparently for some corporation or other, the precise nature of which isn't explained. He's the kind of hard-hitting, new-media journalist who corners his quarry by politely arranging meetings in their place of work then arriving on time. Who ruthlessly fronts his videos by looking at neither the camera nor his interview subject, but at a scratty notepad clutched in his hand while he mumbles vague accusations. Who responds to firm corporate rebuttal by leaving the building when asked. Who is so celebrated and in-demand as a journalist that when he's sacked from his part-time job nobody even notices, let alone head-hunts him for their own company. If Brock is actually capable of any kind of sleuthing or intelligence-gathering, we don't see it in this film. Anyway, Eddie is poking his nose into things he shouldn't, and an alien goes in him. That's Act 1.
Brock's girlfriend, Anne Weying, is played by the Academy Award-nominated actress Michelle Williams, who brilliantly and incisively interprets her role as a woman looking indelibly bored for two hours. Anne is a lawyer whom we never see doing any lawyering, although given that a) it's not her film, and b) we barely see our investigative reporter actually investigating or reporting either, this is hardly surprising. Riz Ahmed plays Carlton Drake, who is The Baddie. We know this because he wears a sharp suit and whenever he opens his mouth, is forced to recite lines from The Movie Baddie's Phrasebook while squinting at underlings just off-camera. Woody Harrelson is in this but not until the end, and then you'll wish he hadn't bothered.
POISON So. Venom feels like spending two hours watching first-takes of actors reading their lines for the first time, from a script which was written by a 12yr old who only watches superhero movies.
Demographically, Sony have spent so much effort angling their product to a non-kiddie audience that they didn't notice anyone old enough to get in will have seen all of this before (and better), whether it be any movie with aliens arriving on Earth, Todd McFarlane's other creation, Spawn, or even just the distrusted-authority in shiny skyscraper laboratories of Sony's last two Spider-Man outings. And although we get enough of the glistening fangs and body-horror to squeak through as a 15-certificate, there's little here to actually earn this edgier rating in terms of lasting threat or human injury.
By the time Brock and Venom become a variety double-act of grumpy bickering which barely stops short of looking right down the camera, this is like a Hallow'een-costume Deadpool.
But without the swearing. Or the self-awareness. Or the wit.
TIGERTAILZ Beats are taken haphazardly from the horror genre, from the conspiracy thriller, sci-fi, action, comedy and of course the superhero-origins story. None of these gel together in the final edit, which incoherently changes tone at a rate suggesting that director Ruben Fleischer has suffered some sort of cranial trauma, and is permanently unable to recall the footage he shot each previous day. As a result, Hardy is left to bimble along from scene to scene in the title role, himself displaying symptoms of scriptual amnesia as he struggles to work out who his character is meant to be. The lack of direction in Tom's performance - both narratively and in terms of just being directed - is staggering.
The most disappointing aspect is that Venom should be better. It could be better. Why isn't this better? By this point, Sony have held onto the Spider-Man rights long and hard enough to know what works, what will be derided by critics and audiences alike, and what is ultimately damaging to their own reputation. To have assembled a cast this impressive and still have churned out a Tesco Value Sausage of a superhero movie is an embarrassment to all concerned.
TIGERFEET There are some moments of fun, but there are far more which aren't. Perhaps the only saving grace is that the movie appears to exist (thus far) in its own standalone stream of continuity. In this respect, at least it will be easy to disregard.
Venom shows that not only are Sony not on the same page as Marvel Studios, they're not even in the same chapter. Okay, it's not Fantastic Four levels of bad, but the tonal inconsistencies and cack-handed moralising in the final moments put this on the same shelf as Ghost Rider.
There is a decent Venom movie to be made from this story, by this studio and with this cast.
But this isn't it...
The business-end:
• Is there a Wilhelm Scream? There is.
• Is there a Stan Lee cameo? There is.
• Is there a mid-credits scene? There is.
• Is there a post-credits scene? Well, kinda*2.
Not unless you like your migraines to originate from a 60ft wide screen.
Interestingly enough, this features the same cinematographer - Matthew Libatique - as A Star Is Born, also released in cinemas on the very same opening weekend. Although his hand-held, closeup style often threatens to derail that movie, too. In Venom, Matthew teams up with editors Alan Baumgarten and Maryann Brandon to go Full Seizure-Mode™.
Sure. This will make an interesting companion-piece for other superhero movies in the years to come.
In no way, shape or form.
Come at me.
There is, and it's as subtly woven into the mix as one would expect from a movie where a murdering alien says "turd" in the trailer.
*1 That's the micro-review version. But I'm writing this as well. Hey, I said I was going to stop doing full reviews for every single thing I watched, not that I was going to stop writing altogether. And if anything was going to bring me back for a stab, it's a disappointing Marvel flick. But I'm getting ahead of myself... [ BACK ]
*2 The mid-credits scene is a coda to Venom, so stay for this. After the names have rolled (and I don't usually moan about the time taken to credit everyone who contributed to making a movie, but Venom's roll-call is presented in the same 'easily readable' speed and size typeface throughout, mostly in a single-column list. Reader, this is a four-songs-and-a-bit-of-the-soundtrack-length reel), we get a sequence from the upcoming Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse animated film. It's not connected to Venom by anything other than the rights-holders, and if you arrived at the cinema early enough you'll have already seen the latest trailer for it. With this in mind, you'll already know whether this is worth you hanging around for an extra ten minutes.
[ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
After honing his quill on the likes of Iron Man 3 and MI: Rogue Nation, Drew Pearce's first feature length writing and directorial gig, Hotel Artemis, shows all the signs of someone destined for cinematic magnificence. Just not quite yet.
Set in 2028 riot-torn Los Angeles, this tale of an exclusive private hospital for criminals certainly has a strong hook, and the precision-casting of Jodie Foster, Sterling K. Brown, Sofia Boutella, Charlie Day, Dave Bautista, Zach Quinto and Sir Jefferidge Goldblum only serve to raise the stakes further. But that cast also raises the expectation, which is where the movie falters a little.
The players are all on top form (Jodie Foster especially, although this should surprise no-one), and the wardrobe, set and prop design are outstanding. Near-future tech papers over slight cracks in the story, offset by a driving score from Cliff Martinez and a retro 70s diegetic soundtrack.
But the bottom line is that the actual story itself is weak, because the central characters are chronically underdeveloped, because the film's about half an hour shorter than it really should be. Elsewhere, the script is littered with clunky, needless exposition that attempts world-building (and sequel-baiting) before it's even finished the walls around the characters, and the violence (of which there is a substantial amount) feels nerfed down to levels of... well, a Mission Impossible movie, frankly.
Despite this, Hotel Artemis is still great fun and very promising, but there's little to get your teeth into…
Everyone should feel very proud of what they've made, here.
Nope.
Nope.
Level 2: Sterling K. Brown is in this, and he was in that Black Panther along with Lupita 'Kanata' Nyong'o, Forest 'Gerrera' Whitaker and Andy 'Snoke' Serkis.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Despicable Me 3 (2D)
Cert: U / 90 mins / Dir. Pierre Coffin, Kyle Balda & Eric Guillon / Trailer
Maybe Illumination have already peaked this year with the critically lauded Sing*1? Maybe the marketplace for family-friendly animated adventure is finally becoming too densely populated to sustain its own hype? Maybe the Despicable Me storyline should have bowed out after its second installment to just let the little guys take over full-time? Because one thing's for sure: Despicable Me 3 is coasting, and coasting hard…
Now that's probably far too harsh an opening gambit while talking about a film I actually quite enjoyed, but as much as I smiled and occasionally chuckled my way through the film, it didn't make me well-up like the first movie and it didn't make me guffaw out loud like the third. And I only mention this because it's a bar the series has set for itself. The new feature is an amusing, if perfunctory, amble through the continuing life of Gru, Lucy and the girls Margo, Edith and Agnes. Kristen Wiig and Steve Carell return in their established roles, with the latter doubling up as his own twin brother Dru*2, this time fighting a former child-actor turned 1980s-obsessed megalomaniac named Balthazar Bratt. It makes for a metric ton of Rubik's Cube, moonwalking and shell-suit references, as well as the sort of greatest-hits soundtrack you'd expect from a film in 2017.
Illumination Studios turn out their best visually, and everything on offer looks as smooth, colourful and richly textured as we've come to expect*3. But the scope of the story is that of a straight-to-DVD sequel which just happens to be showing in your local cinema, punctually clocking in at exactly 90 minutes and with no bells, whistles or end-of-credits sting. The over-arching story splits off into several threads leaving the film feeling disjointed - a quality no doubt enhanced by having two writers and three directors onboard (even if they've all worked with the property on previous occasions). The best parts are the segments (and they are largely separate altogether) featuring the Minions. Which makes you wonder why we're still hanging around so much with Old Man Gru…
But Despicable Me 3 is charming and enjoyable in a thoroughly disposable sort of way. Your padawans will love it, which is the important thing, right?
I just know that Illumination are capable of better.
Where is Minions 2, please?
For the most part, the Despicable Me movies, although the film shares a curious symmetry with Julian Barratt's Mindhorn, as well.
Only if you have little ones dragging you along by the sleeve.
Keep the franchise ticking over and act as an extended advert for Minions merchandise? Yep.
*1 A film I refused to watch as the trailers made it look like a collection of soulless, twee, shrieking awfulness which epitomises everything I detest about Saturday night television while it pisses into the open grave of The Age of Light Entertainment. [ BACK ]
*2 All I'm saying is, when a sitcom gets to 'lead-actor playing own long-lost twin' territory, it's usually on its arse… [ BACK ]
*3 And bonus points are awarded here for a copyright-baiting reference to Carbonite™, as well as fleeting visual nods to Finding Nemo, The Grinch and Futurama. [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Gifted Cert: 12A / 101 mins / Dir. Marc Webb / Trailer
My local cinema hosted an advance screening of Marc Webb's new movie last week. I was due to go, but plans shifted so that I delayed watching a heartwarming, uplifting tale of sacrifice, perseverance and belief in favour of seeing an old friend and getting blind drunk instead. This decision-making process should indicate that I'm not really the target audience for Gifted, and the rest of this review should be translated accordingly.
In the blue-collar coastal suburbs of Florida, Frank Adler (Chris Evans) is the adoptive uncle of orphaned mathematical prodigy Mary (Mckenna Grace), struggling with moving her from homeschooling to mainstream education in a bid to build her social skills and let her enjoy her childhood. But a regular school offers no intellectual challenges, only behavioural ones, and the child's grandmother has other plans for Mary's development...
What begins as an ochre-washed, ukulele driven twee-fest to rival the best of Nicholas Sparks*1, goes through the motions of sighs, tears, revelations, pacing of the courtroom floor, the swelling of the strings-section and hugs before bedtime. The film is efficiently executed, but lacks inspiration all round. Credit where it's due, the central performances by Mckenna Grace and Chris Evans are very strong. They're excellent individually, and the pair have a chemistry in their scenes together which defines the heart of the film. And Gifteddoes have a heart, it just expresses that through the medium of Hallmark Channel Autopilot™.
As Octavia Spencer's over-protective neighbour, Jenny Slate's wet-blanket of a teacher and Linsday Duncan's meddling grandmother-character dutifully tick off the boxes on their Plot Device Checklist, the problem soon arises that the more secondary/ancillary characters are introduced, the more irreversibly clichéd the while thing becomes. The film sags terribly at around the half-way mark and never manages to regain its composure. Even a shoehorned sequence of 'will Frank make the drive across town before they put the cat to sleep?'*2, is so phoned-in that by the time our hero breathlessly arrives in the vet's backroom murder-chamber, Ginger Fred's basically sitting filing his claws murmuring "Oh, you're here, then?". It's a safe play in a script that was never going to take any risks in the first place.
Also, this loses a point for Frank using 'Legos' as a collective term for pieces of the popular branded construction-set. And if the kid had been as bright as the screenplay makes out, she'd have thoroughly schooled him over that one. Legos. I ask you.
I understand why Evans wanted to do Gifted, of course, and as he's one of the two great things about the movie it's another string to his bow. But as not-inconsiderable as that bow is, the string itself is thoroughly unremarkable…
*1 Full disclosure, I'm generalising there. I've never watched any Nicholas Sparks output. Seen plenty of trailers, haven't had the strength to attempt the films themselves though. I seem to recall seeing the promo-reel for The Longest Ride and thinking 'but this looks exactly the same as every other story he's written?'. Then it occurred to me that the target demographic for these movies probably has that precise reaction while I'm two rows away squealing over the latest Marvel trailer, so fair play I suppose... [ BACK ]
*2 Spoiler: of course he does. Although I'd be interested to see one of these flicks where he doesn't. Where the wheels basically fall off everything at the end of Act III, and the final scene features the mentor character talking to their young charge, saying "Yeah, that's life I'm afraid. An unending torrent of inconvenience, loss and pain where everything drifts toward entropy until you're too tired to fight and too numb to care. But hey, there's always bourbon. Whiskey for me, biscuits for you; you're only eight.", then the beaten-car drives off into a sunset while the camera tracks over to a dude wearing a 'the end is nigh' sandwich board and the gun poorly concealed in the pocket of his dirty coat...
And that's why they keep returning my screenplays. [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
