Monday, 26 January 2015

Re: Re-Oustanding Payment

From: Dr. Abiola Richard
Date: 17 January 2015
To: Blackout

Good day, this is to inform you of your Long overdue Payment outstanding in our Banking records .I saw your name in the Central Computer among list of unpaid inheritance claims individuals and have to update your information’s through this email contact for immediate confirmation .

Your name appeared among the beneficiaries who will receive a part-payment of US$10.500, 000 million (Ten million five hundred thousand United State dollars) and it has been approved already for payment months ago.

However we received an email from one, DAVID WAYNE SCARBERRY of BLUFFTON OHIO USA , who told us that he is your next of kin and that you died in a car accident last four months back. He has also submitted his account information’s to the office department for transfer of the fund to him as your inheritor. Below are the new banking details we received from DAVID WAYNE SCARBERRY

Bank name: Bank of America
ABA: (all other)
ABA: (International)
ACCT. #:
ACCT Name: FMS Investments Inc.

We are now verifying by contacting your email address as we have in our Bank records before we can make the transfer into his account and for us to conclude confirmation if you are dead or not. Please, confirm response immediately before our action release of the outstanding payment against your name listed out. Upon this, I request you send your full personal information as soon as possible to enable this department finalize the transfer of the fund release to your nominated foreign Bank Account. This department needs the following information’s from you urgently.

1, Full Names______________________
2, Telephone_________________________
3, Contact Address___________________
4, Age_______________________________
5, Occupation________________________
6, Sex_______________________________
7, Fax Number________________________

Once again, I apologize to you on behalf of International Monetary fund Agency towards this contact and proper confirmation required urgently from you if alive.

Yours Sincerely
Dr Abiola Richard
International Monetary Fund Agency

From: Blackout
Date: 26th January 2015
To: Dr. Abiola Richard

Dear Dr. Richard,

(Aside: You need to work on that. You and I both know that you're a fully qualified doctor working for the IMF, but if you were introduced to me at a dinner party as "Doctor Richard", I'd probably assume you were one of those TV quacks that sits on a sofa opposite Phil Schofield, offering broad and non-legally-binding advice to the unemployed about exercise, haemorrhoids and vaginal dryness. Assuming that isn't one of your sidelines (you're an expert on cashflow after all, and I imagine there's money to be made in that), I think this may be adversely affecting your "first impression" score. Just a thought.)

Now, to business. Many thanks for your e-mail of the 17th January pointing out that my uncle David in Ohio believes I am dead
(Aside: Long story short, I was indeed involved in a traffic collision last October; dead-on-table, several minutes, bright-light, defibrillator paddles, shit everywhere, no longer dead). If it wasn't for the fact that the greedy old bastard's trying to nab my part of an inheritance, I'd be more than happy for him to go on believing that. His Christmas cards are tedious to the point of offensiveness, and I have a vague memory of him touching me inappropriately when I was four and he'd plied me with sherry at a family party. It's not that I hate the man (as I said, it's only a very vague memory), but I'd quite happily fake my own funeral to get out of maintaining obligatory politeness with the fucker. And indeed did, in fact.

As to your actual query, I have all the details you require and am ready to e-mail them to you
(Aside: although I notice you haven't asked for my bank account information; I assume that this is the IMF being security conscious - well done, you). My full name, contact address and number, age, occupation and sex are all here ready to go. In fact, all the information apart from my fax number, I'm afraid.

The advent of e-mail meant that I disconnected my fax machine in 2012, since the only transmissions I was receiving were junk-faxes offering to sell me fax-machine toner (ironically), and images of what appeared to be the photocopied anus of an unspecified sender with an Ohio fax number. Obviously an organisation like the one you work for prides itself on accuracy, transparency and completeness, and so I shall send no details until I can comply fully with your request.

To facilitate this, I have ordered a Brother FAX8360P machine from Argos at a cost of £299.99 (which I don't mind too much, given the sum I am about to inherit), which will be ready for me to pick up on Thursday. I have also instructed British Telecom to reinstate my fax-line, at an additional cost of £79.99 +VAT (same rules apply). Unfortunately, BT say they have re-assigned my old fax number to a local playgroup, and have informed me that a new number will take 14 business days to set up (which is frankly ridiculous when you think about it). I told them how much was riding on this but they wouldn't be budged. I suppose ten and a half million is loose-change to the likes of them, eh?

And so I am writing to ask you to temporarily halt the financial transfer proceedings until I am able to respond fully to your information request (but please take this as notice that I am very much alive. Don't listen to a word that 'Fingers' Scarberry tells you). I trust that this will not be too much trouble as we're dealing with a significant amount of money here. I also notice that you haven't actually said who I'm inheriting the money from, although you'd be correct in thinking that I don't particularly care.

I thank you for your diligence and patience in this matter, and look forward to concluding our business in a timely and efficient matter.


Actually, it could have been my uncle Dennis, now I think about it. He's on a register.

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