Saturday, 6 February 2016

Review: Star Wars - The Force Awakens (ninth-pass)

World of Blackout Film Review

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2D) Poster

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (ninth-pass / 2D / PLOT-SPOILERS)
Cert: 12A / 135 mins / Dir. J.J.Abrams / Trailer

Previous reviews:
• First-pass (spoiler-free)
• Second-pass (spoiler-free)
• Third-pass (thematic-spoilers)
• Fourth-pass (plot-spoilers)
• Fifth-pass (plot-spoilers)
• Sixth-pass (plot-spoilers)
• 7th-pass (spoiler-free)
• 8th-pass (plot-spoilers)

Well, what a glorious and fleeting time that was! The brief window when I could watch a Star Wars movie the way normal people do. After those first screenings which bombarded me with too much sensory and emotional stimuli to process clearly, and before the ones where I picked it apart to forge connections as best I could with the larger galaxy far, far away. So basically the third-to-fifth viewings, roughly. But this ninth-pass comes just over three weeks after the previous one, and while it's undeniably true that The Force Awakens is fast becoming my cinematic comfort-food, that break has been long enough to get genuinely buzzed again at the prospect of seeing a Star Wars film in the cinema. That shit will never get old.

+ + + + + + + + + +

Anyhow, Rebel spies have surreptitiously passed certain documents to WorldOfBlackout informing us of an alternate/extended scene which will be making its way to The Force Awakens as an optional branched-chapter in the upcoming DVD/BRD release.

While we were unable to secure a clip of the video itself, here is a transcript of the extended interrogation scene between Kylo Ren and Rey


KYLO REN interrogates REY for information about the missing star-chart.

KYLO REN…at night, desperate to sleep, you imagine an ocean.
I see it… I see the island-

REYYou see the what, mate?

KYLO RENThe island. The island that you-

REYWhat island? What are you talking about?

KYLO RENThe island that you imagine-

REYEh? Are you taking the piss? I've been living in the desert since I was four! I can barely remember what the sea looks like, never mind dreaming up islands to go in there!

KYLO RENBut in your mind, you-

REYNo! Seriously Ren, you don't mind if I call you Ren, do you? Seriously, earlier today was the first time I've seen a body of water in YEARS. I've usually got enough to make my magic-muffins and have a quick wash if I'm lucky. And don't even ask about toilet facilities. If you're pulling out images of an island from my brain, it's probably got more to do with Takodana, this morning.

REN sighs audibly.

KYLO REN…At night, desperate to sleep, you imagine-

REYSTOP THAT! The only reason I'm imagining an ocean is because you're telling me to imagine an ocean! It's not exactly 'Derren Brown', is it? What's your next trick? "At night, you imagine a circus full of elephants. I see her… I see Nelly!". I've got no bloody idea what an elephant even IS, but now I'm imagining one, can you see THAT, Ren? CAN YOU?

KYLO REN…I'm trying to do my job, here?

REYWell we're all screwed then, aren't we? You're the one who couldn't locate an orange and white droid in a green woodland using a team of thirty Stormtroopers, so decided to adduct the girl instead! You can't even pull accurate picture-postcards from my mind without sketching in half of them yourself, and you're hoping to learn the intricate details of a holo-map of an area I've never seen before, which was only switched on for less than a minute and which I wasn't even looking at properly? Well, good luck with that. And besides, if you've been able to piece together 'the rest of the map', surely you should know where to start looking for Luke, shouldn't you?

KYLO RENWell, I suppose we-

REYI mean yeah, obviously there's still a big area to cover, but if you know he's hiding somewhere on page 50 of a road-atlas, then someone of your standing should be able to stand at the edge of page 49 and have a good sniff, right?

KYLO RENWell, yes, I'm-

REYYou're clearly the most Force-sensitive person around these parts (for now, and just you remember that), yet here you are banging on about an island neither of us have ever seen??

KYLO RENI'm beginning to wish I hadn't brought that up, yes…

REYLook, why don't you go back to Señor Smoke or whatever his name is, and tell him-

KYLO RENOne, it's Snoke, and two, yes I think I'll go and have my break now. I'll be honest, I was hoping a suitable punchline would have presented itself by this point, but that doesn't seem to be happening. So instead, I'm just going to leave you restrained in this cell under the supervision of a single, slightly inept guard. A bit like in a James Bond film.

REYHaha, Bond? Funny you should say that…

KYLO RENFunny? Why..?

REYOh, no reason. Look, never mind…

KYLO RENBloody scavengers. I wouldn't have got this from the old man...

REN exits, leaving REY alone with the GUARD.


No Bothans died to bring us this information, although one of them got quite badly chafed.

So, watch this if you enjoyed?
The Star Wars.

Should you watch this in a cinema, though?
While you still can, yes.

Does the film achieve what it sets out to do?
For the most part, more than.

Is this the best work of the cast or director?
We've discussed that before, I think ;)

Will I think less of you if we disagree about how good/bad this film is?
You know it.

Yes, but is there a Wilhelm Scream in it?
There is.
In fact, I've only just noticed that there's a one buried in the Clash of the Clans pre-movie advert, too.

Yes, but what's the Star Wars connection?
Level 0: It's Star Wars.

And if I HAD to put a number on it…

• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

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