Thursday 9 May 2013

Review: Iron Man 3 (fourth-pass)

World of Blackout Film Review

Iron Man 3 (2D) Poster

Iron Man 3 (2D) - Fourth-Pass / Heavy Spoilers
Cert: 12A / 135 mins / Dir. Shane Black

Here is an exclusive transcript of an extended/deleted scene which will feature on the BluRay release of Iron Man Three

Int. Stark Enterprises. Day.
PEPPER POTTS and ALDRIDGE KILLIAN are seated in a plush business office, having an informal meeting.

Potts: Right, first question - Why was I so goggly-eyed and taken aback when I saw you just there?

Killian: Erm, because I'm a super-smooth playboy now, and not the awkward nerd you remember?

Potts: Well, you're super-smooth to the point where you're wearing a blue checked suit, a red patterned tie, brown loafers and no socks. What fucking school of cool did you enroll in? I notice you haven't fixed the part of your brain that governs fashion sense?

Killian: Wow. Start strong, eh?

Potts: Trust me, in five minutes you'll be looking back at the sartorial critique with a sense of warm nostalgia.

Killian: Oh, good.

Potts: Right. Anyway. Second question - You're telling me Killian, that in the third film in the series, a nerdy, narcissistic scientist is going to come to me, the CEO of an international tech giant, and ask for funding and development of a project which re-writes/enhances human DNA by means of an empty socket in the brain, and I'm obviously going to turn you down on general principle in a move that will come back to bite me on the arse in the second or third act?

Killian: ...yes..?

Potts: Right. And you're hoping that throughout this scene, not one person - not one - is going to say aloud in the cinema "Oh what, like in Batman Forever, you mean?"

Killian: ...also yes?

Potts: I don't think evoking the spirit of Jim Carrey in green lycra is going to work for you, Killian.

Killian: Piss off, you thought Batman Forever was cool!

Potts: In 1996, Killian. Around the same time I thought Kula Shaker were cool.

Killian: You're such a hipster.

Potts: Says the guy wearing a check-suit and no socks.

Killian: Look, can we get back to why I'm here please?

Potts: Oh what, your big brain?

Killian: My big brain.

Potts: Right. Big brain. Go.

Killian:, if you look at the hole in my big brain here, you can clearly see that it's a sign that we're designed to be upgraded!

Potts: Hmmm. Surely the implication, even at this early stage of the film, is that you've undergone 'the upgrade' yourself? I mean, I know we won't know for sure until the third act, but it's kind of a foregone conclusion, isn't it?

Killian: Erm, possibly. What's your point?

Potts: Well, why is there a hole in your big brain then? If that's the socket for the upgrade, and this is a live-feed, does that mean you're not all badass super-strong yet?

Killian: Be fair, Pepper, I haven't mentioned anybody being badass yet. All I said is that the DNA can be re-coded to repair itself, it was you who instantly thought it could be weaponisable.

Potts: True, this is what comes from dating an arms-dealer, I suppose.

Killian: So, no. There's definitely no way that the technology I'm working on to regrow lost limbs could be-

Potts: Oh, is that what it's for?

Killian: Yes, sorry, didn't I say?

Potts: No, you didn't. Although to be fair, you didn't get very far with what it's actually for, before I assumed it was weaponisable and was about to throw you out.

Killian: That bit with the plant that Maya was working on earlier? That's what that was hinting at. Although the limb thing won't come into play until later when Tony's snooping around my files.

Potts: Okay. Still, it's a bit... Lizardy, isn't it? Regrowing lost limbs?

Killian: ...Lizardy?

Potts: Erm, yeah. Like in last year's Spider-Man film.

Killian: You've got a point, there. That's two 'references' to other superhero films and we're not even past the first act, yet. It's probably best if I don't really mention the limb-thing, and just concentrate on the Extremis glowy-hot human-weapon thing.

Potts: ..the what?

Killian: Well, you're right. Obviously. Of course it's weaponisable. This shit makes people go all glowy-red-hot and super-strong. And turns them into evil-henchpeople. Obviously.

Potts: Ah, speaking of that, I read ahead in the script and I've got a third question.

Killian: Go for it…

Potts: How come when you're prising Rhodes out of the War Machine armour (call it by its name), and you go all super-shit-hot and breathe fire etc, but your shirt doesn't catch fire?

Killian: Probably the same reason your sports-bra doesn't burn when you fall into the fire later on?

Potts: Whoa! SPOILERS! I hadn't got that far into the script! I fall into a fucking fire??

Killian: Oh, don't worry about it, you've got super-shit-hot-Extremis powers by that point, so you and your sports-bra just climb out.

Potts: Super powers? Ooh, does this set me up for an action role in Avengers 2? Ni-i-i-ice!

Killian: Nah, you get 'fixed' in one very short voice-over line at the end.

Potts: Bunch of arse.

Killian: Hey, at least you're still around…

Potts: True… but y'know, your fate as antagonist is more or less a straight line. We all know how that'll end.

Killian: I've gotta try, I've gotta try…

Potts: What's more worrying is that you somehow believe that even with all this, Yen over at WorldofBlackout will still give the film full marks.

Killian: Oh, trust me, he's sold. He loves it because of its faults, not in spite of them.

Potts: Well, yes, let's not forget he enjoyed Prometheus... Listen, we should get back on script.

Killian: Yeah. So. 'Extremis'. You're in?

Potts: No, I'm not in. I'm Doubting Wayne, remember?

Killian: Balls. I'm off then. I'll see you later at the hotel when I've snapped that hapless waiter's neck for no reason, okay?

Potts: Wait, wha?

Killian: BYE!


And because you won't be happy until I've given it a score...

• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

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