Friday, 19 May 2017

Review: King Arthur - Legend of the Sword

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2D)
Cert: 12A / 126 mins / Dir. Guy Ritchie / Trailer

Game Of Thrones, for twats*1.

So, watch this if you enjoyed?
Seventh Son.
Yeah, I went there.

Should you watch this in a cinema, though?
Well, any sense of atmosphere or fun you might associate with the cinema is as brutally desaturated as the colour palette. Clocking in at $175m, this is the most expensive sedative I've seen in some time. An effective one, though….

Does the film achieve what it sets out to do?
What, to bore me shitless with under-acting, an incoherent storyline and a script which took longer to read back than it did to write? Apparently so.

Is this the best work of the cast or director?
Difficult to say, since stars Jude Law and Charlie Humdrum are so intrinsically wooden that they aren't allowed on set at the same time as their joint presence is considered a fire hazard. The latter's accent seems to veer between Middlesborough and Southwark for the most part of the film until Aiden Gillen's in the room, at which point it takes on a suspiciously Dublinian twang. Much like Gerard Butler, I think Charlie's default-accent has now been lost.

And stop saying 'Londinium', for fuck's sake. This is mythical, not historic, and you sound like a shrieking hen-party for whom visiting the capital has not yet begun to lose its novelty…

Will I think less of you if we disagree about how good/bad this film is?
I shall begin by looking over my spectacles and you and it will go downhill from there.

Yes, but is there a Wilhelm Scream in it?
There isn't. Plenty of opportunities, but it's probably for the best.

Yes, but what's the Star Wars connection?
Level 1: 2nd Lt. Frobb from Rogue One's in this.

And his only real contribution to the screenplay might be the one part of the film I didn't want to punch in the face, even though it was clearly written in the style of Brick Top, and Geoff Bell doesn't have that gravitas yet.

And if I HAD to put a number on it…

*1 Bearing in mind that Game Of Thrones is just Lord Of The Rings for twats… [ BACK ]

• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

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