Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Review: Edward Scissorhands

I can't believe I haven't seen…

Edward Scissorhands Poster

Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Cert: 12 / 105 mins / Dir. Tim Burton / Trailer
WoB Rating: 5/7

Okay, the biggest problem? How do his hands work? "Because they do"? Really?

You could fuse a whisk onto your Radius bone, that wouldn't make the rotation system self-operating. Without any external mechanics or power source, the moving blades (it's not one Kruger-esque blade per-finger, remember, Edward has fully operational pivoted scissors) would require a musculature system which would make his hands far larger and more unsightly than those in the film, and result in a series of 'open wounds' where the flesh and bone joins to the metal, resulting in the need for constant cleansing and antiseptic treatments (neither likely nor practical considering the squalor he was living in at the mansion). At least it appears that The Inventor used stainless steel, otherwise the rusting of the blades under the skin would lead to blood poisoning in no-time, not to mention the Tetanus risk from all that gardening he's doing.

Most of the above would suggest that Edward isn't biological in the classic sense, but his adoptive family give him food to eat on a regular basis. So what was he eating when he lived in the mansion, how does his digestive-system work, and how is he expected to wipe his arse? If he wasn't inherently organic then he wouldn't have the scar-tissue on his face which isn't in his flashback scenes. And why is Edward so clumsy with day-to-day dexterity when he's never known anything other than his scissor-hands? When the town is such a clear homage to 1960s America, why does Kim's boyfriend Jim say he wishes he was taping the TV show they're watching, since VCRs didn't exist at that time? (Joyce's use of a cassette-deck is equally suspect; not the cassette itself, but the player)

How come Edward not only trims the neighbourhood's scraggy bushes, but also makes them taller and more densely foliated than they were before, too, even on the inside where the leaves and fronds don't grow? Where does he get the blocks of ice for his sculptures?

Why does Kim's father Bill say "You don't know anything about the wonderful world of teenage girls… they reach a certain age, they develop these gland things, their bodies swell up." referring to his own daughter?. Why is Vincent Price being played by Bruce Forsyth?
Who's in charge, here?

And Edward's wearing that leather outfit for the entire film. He's going to stink...

Have you really never seen this before?
Really. Haven't been avoiding it, it's just never crossed my path.

So are you glad you've finally have?
Absolutely. Burton's always good value for money, even when his films are as archetypal and patronising as this.

And would you recommend it, now?
Sure, but not to massive cynics who worry about the bio-engineering aspects of fairytales ;)

Oh, and is there a Wilhelm Scream in it?
I didn't hear one, what's up with that?

…but what's the Star Wars connection?
Edward Scissorhands features Vincent Price (of course), who starred in 1970's Scream and Scream Again (of course) alongside Peter 'Tarkin' Cushing (of course).

And if I HAD to put a number on it…
Oh, of course I enjoyed it.
That doesn't mean I didn't find it massively troublesome.

• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

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