Thursday, 4 December 2008

8. Picnic-based ultraviolence...

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh lanugage and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.

And I quote...

If you go out in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.
For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic..

1) Yes, I WOULD be surprised if I was in a forest or wooded area and saw some teddy bears having a picnic. It's 2008, and I don't believe that stuff happens any more.

2) Why would I need a disguise? Are they TEDDY bears or GRIZZLY bears? Will they fly into Bear-Rage if they should catch me intruding uninvited upon their al fresco snackage? Exactly how many STUFFED ANIMALS do you think you could take on in a fight? Because according to the song, "every bear that ever there was" is going to be there. According to the internets, the first "teddy bear" was invented in 1902. So that's every cuddly bear (not other animals) that's been produced worldwide over the last 106 YEARS. How big are these woods?
And they're all going to go fucking mental when they hear you step on a twig. I hope you're prepared. "Oh, they're only cuddly bears!" you exclaim - yes, but they've got PICNIC CUTLERY. So with that in mind, what kind of disguise would be best to assuage their fury? Do you think they'll be any LESS annoyed when they turn around and see Batman or a harlequin in the woods? Perhaps you'd wear a bear-costume? Keep in mind how much bigger you're going to be than them, they'll sus you out in a second, mate.
You're finished.

Picnic time for teddy bears,
The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them picnic on their holiday.
See them gaily dance about.
They love to play and shout.
And never have any cares.
At six o'clock their mommies and daddies
Will take them home to bed
Because they're tired little teddy bears.

3) After my expansion of the first verse there, this just sounds fucking creepy now. Like some kind of "teddy ritual", as they dance with glee around the disemboweled, dismembered corpse of some unsuspecting rambler. Presumably the bears' parents don't mind the carnage at 1800 when they come to pick them up? Or maybe the bears have cleared it all up. Or eaten it.
And for "every bear that ever there was" being picked up at six, think of the traffic tailbacks! Ridiculous.

If you go out in the woods today,
You'd better not go alone.
It's lovely out in the woods today,
But safer to stay at home.

Okay, now I'm just scared. What the fuck are these bears going to do? How does the lyricist know of all this? Did the bears let him live to tell the tale? I bet the bears are like those ants in Indy4, or the scarab beetles in The Mummy.

Fuck the bears, and fuck the woods. I'm staying at home on the internet.

• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organizations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

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