Review: Walking On Sunshine

Walking On Sunshine
Cert: 12A / 97 mins / Dir. Max Giwa & Dania Pasquini




29 June 2014

Emergency services were called to London's Leicester Square on Friday when a coachload of naive performers who can't possibly be old enough to remember the 1980's properly, collided with concept and execution of Mamma Mia! without wearing kitsch-belts, resulting in a catastrophic loss of dignity. Audiences were seen staggering out of the district's Vue and Odeon cinemas, some clutching their heads and vomiting profusely, while many were believed to have passed out before they could escape the wreckage. Other injuries included self-induced blunt-force trauma from heat-butting the auditorium seat in front, and toes curling so hard they became broken or embedded in the wearer's shoes.

For many of the wounded, the cinematic version of 'Walking On Sunshine' was the heady culmination of an evening in the capital, making treatment more difficult, and in some cases impossible. Ambulance crews quickly set up a triage system to treat the most serious casualties, but their work was hampered by many of the symptoms being "encouraged by Saturday night TV schedules of shrieking awfulness, and exacerbated by a lethal cocktail of karaoke and Lambrini".

Wise
One survivor who asked not to be named said "I thought it'd be fun. Dear God, I thought it'd be fun. Me and my friends, we like those songs. We all went to Magaluf last August, and 'How Will I Know?' reminds us of the time that Janice was sick on a stripper. But now every time I close my eyes, I can see Greg Wise honking like a seal over 'Don't You Want Me, Baby?'. How do I make that stop? HOW?"

Cinema Manager Ken Pigby told us "I heard the screaming and wailing coming from inside screen one, but couldn't be sure if that was the audience having a great time, or Hannah Arterton was singing again. But I never imagined this. It really does go to show that when meaning, character, plot and fun are removed from a vacuum, the worst horrors of all that is left are amplified inside the echo chamber of your mind until you die. At least this should finally kill the trend for 1980's nostalgia."

Morecambe
The Metropolitan Police have also expressed concerned about one of the alleged-movie's stars, Leona Lewis, who hasn't been seen since filming wrapped in March of this year. Chief Commissioner Ian McIanson read in a prepared statement "We're worried Ms Lewis may have seen the daily rushes, or worse still a rough edit of the film, and done something rash. Although not as rash as agreeing to star in 'Walking On Sunshine'. Obviously."

Prior to its release, the film had been praised by disability groups for its use of performers with little-to-no self-awareness, but once the first trailers were released, fears arose that the cast were being exploited by film studio bosses keen to make a fast buck from voyeuristic audiences. Now the BBFC are worried that the effects of the rampant, self-indulgent narcissism of screenwriter Joshua St Johnston will be felt on the shelves of charity shops and ITV2 for years to come.

Skegness
This week saw a call in Parliament for 'Sunshine On Leith' to be shown in secondary schools and theatre groups as a warning to children, although Culture Secretary Maria Miller admitted that the programme wouldn't be extended to drama academies. "Those kids are beyond help, frankly" she confirmed.

---

Well, the trailer is largely agonising and peppered with songs that you used to like, so yes.



I laughed out loud at several points but not when I was meant to, I suspect.



If it's meant to make me feel like I've been abducted by a hen party and slowly drowned for an hour and a half, then yes.



Go away.



Well, what do you think?



It's unlikely, at best.



There isn't.

How is Greg Wise going to justify making a bad film worse? He's wanting to get out of the business now, yeah?

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Oculus

Oculus (SPOILERS)
Cert: 15 / 103 mins / Dir. Mike Flanagan




As you know I'm not a massive fan of contemporary horror, so it's always a pleasant surprise to be… well, pleasantly surprised, especially at the cinema. Mike Flanagan's Oculus has its storytelling roots firmly in Victoriana, with a tale (and you're well aware it's just one of many) about a haunted mirror. From the off, there's very little doubt that the mirror is actually haunted, so the screenplay doesn't have to waste much time with in-universe sceptics.

While Karen Gillan's Kaylie spends five minutes giving her brother (and the audience) a potted history of The Lasser Glass, the film doesn't feel the need to over-explain its motives; indeed the manifestation of evil in the film - a delightful young lady named Marisol - is only one of the mirror's many weapons against its victims. The mechanics of the haunting (the mirror's "blast radius", effectively) and its methodology are shown in tantalising segments as the story takes place in two timeframes, revealing the past and the present in an ever-closing tandem until they're happening at the same time and you'll be lucky not to go cross-eyed trying to work out what's real.

Which isn't to say the film is overly complicated. The story itself is a 'classic' of the genre, but written in such a way that it doesn't hinder your enjoyment. There are occasional shades of 'quiet, quiet, LOUD', but Oculus never relies on them for scares, instead un-nerving the audience by lingering too long on the activities of the living characters. There's great acting all around here, especially from Annalise Basso and Garrett Ryan as the young Kaylie and Tim, respectively. And who'd have thought that Starbuck was Amy Pond's mum all along? (for the record, both Sackhoff and Gillan are convincingly terrifying when the film calls for it)

But the film's masterstroke is the reality which it languidly toys with. As I said, there's no doubt that the events in the Russell household are happening, but there are frequent signposts that the haunting is psychological, and a Twilight Zone-esque ending is deftly avoided by convincing the audience that no-one's imagining anything.

While it will never be more than a mid-budget horror flick, Oculus has no ambitions above its station, and is quite content to be pretty much the best film it can. Despite its washed-out villainess, the film is far and above the current vogue for having a manky old lady padding around an unlit cellar, leaving children's toys left right and centre. Well written and well performed, Oculus needs to be seen to be hesitatingly believed.

But can it avoid the sequel trap?

Yes, but the trailer makes it look far schlockier than it is.



I did.



I'd say it definitely does.



You're going to get more scares out of a larger screen, but watching on BluRay wouldn't hurt it too much.



Nope.



I will, but probably only once, and not for a while.



There isn't.

I know that Kaylie didn't undergo the treatment for her trauma that Tim did, but does she really think that returning him to the house where it all took place the day after his release from a psychiatric hospital, and with the actual mirror itself there, is going to end well for anyone?

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: 3 Days To Kill

3 Days To Kill
Cert: 12A / 117 mins / Dir. McG

Dear Mr McG,

I am writing to thank you for the recent unsolicited submission of your screenplay, for the consideration of our client. It gave us several hours of amusement in the office until someone worked out that you are actually making this film. With actual money. Somehow.

We read, with varying degrees of interest, what appears to be a rejected first draft of a Die Hard sequel, which we imagine will play out on-screen like a series of very loosely connected set-pieces through which the central character ("Ethan") will wend his way in a daze, whether that part of the script requires it or not. Speaking of physical ailments, we also noticed in your proposed film that advanced terminal brain and lung cancer sporadically manifests itself as a) coughing and sniffling whilst holding a tissue and bottle of generic cough syrup, b) completely incapacitating hallucinogenic seizures, or c) neither of these and just acting with the same grumpy nonchalance that Bruce Willis has been trying so hard to copyright for himself for the past ten years. It also didn't escape our attention that Ethan's symptoms, or lack thereof, seem to bear no relation whatsoever to his intravenously administered wonder-drug that the CIA appear to have entrusted to the walking liability who's on their payroll (with not a single form of identification or corroboration, we might add).

Ah yes, "Vivi". That such a one-dimensional and generally inexplicable character could endorse and facilitate kidnap, torture, murder and terrorism in the name of the USA whilst on foreign soil, completely unencumbered by that country's security forces, could only come from the pen of Monsieur Besson. While the Taken franchise carries the lion's share of this Frenchman's apparent contempt for the French, it's heartening to see that casual xenophobia hasn't been forgotten, and the only police we'll meet in Paris in "3 Days…" are watching the football with their feet up and essentially shrugging when asked to do their job. At least the script calls for a shot of the Eiffel Tower every four minutes. We hope you paid Luc well.

We can also only assume you're going to have to edit the hell out of Amber Heard's performance if you're going to get that 12A certificate you're after, largely because the script has her as a bisexual, flirtatious, drug-dealing murderer who, aside from a brief opening scene in Langley VA, seems to have no discernible moral compass or affiliation. Here's hoping the final cut of the film doesn't reduce her to a series of short skirts and wigs, turning up every twenty five minutes to explain the plot.

And so, we're afraid that our client has no wish to play a troubled, divorced, workaholic father who means well deep down but just needs one more chance to prove it to his estranged wife and teenage daughter, and can do all of this whilst "reluctantly" shooting people in the head. We feel it's a role, much like the lazy screenplay itself, which is tired, clichéd and ultimately demeaning to any actor who would take it on.

Besides which, our client Mr Neeson is currently in preparation for Taken 3.

Maybe you could give Kev Costner a call? He apparently enjoyed that Jack Ryan gig and fancies another holiday, but with the spotlight on him, this time.

Best regards,
Ian McIanson (you can call me McI, if you like)
Celebrity Talent International

PS. I was under the impression from the opening pitch that the terminal illness from which Ethan is suffering would kill him in three days unless he complied with his unofficial 'employer' and carried out assassinations in return for the treatment/cure, giving the film's title a double meaning. In reality, this is not the case. You might want to fix that, if only because it stands to be the cleverest thing in the film at this rate.

It probably is, yes.



I did not.



I have no idea. It probably achieves what McG set out to do, but come on…



This is a £3 DVD from Asda which you'll watch once then give to a charity shop.



I will a bit.



I can't forsee the circumstances under which that would happen.



There IS. Finally. At the start of the deli-brawl when the clumsiest assassin in the world lets of his shotgun. It's no consolation. Neither is the boot-shot.

Why?

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Jersey Boys

Jersey Boys
Cert: 15 / 134 mins / Dir. Clint Eastwood




Other than seeing the trailer once, I hadn't looked too far in to Clint Eastwood's Jersey Boys as I didn't expect it to be on at our local. So it was with some surprise that the BBFC card revealed the Summer-release adaptation of a West End musical to be a 15 certificate. Ooh, I though, this might actually have a bit of heft to it. Sadly, that's not really the case. The 15 cert appears to be there due to the amount of effing-and-jeffing going on which, while it's hardly excessive, is clearly too much for the 12A bracket*¹.

And so, with the sole exception of an encore-medley where all of the cast are ammased on a single soundstage, what I'd expected to be a straightforward Musical™ actually plays more like a regular biopic of The Four Seasons. The film relies heavily on their music, of course, but all of the songs featured occur in the context of the story, in recording studios and theatre stages (ie, no-one suddenly bursts into song, in order to express their feelings). Because of this, the plot/playlist is far more linear, and hits such as Sherry feature because the group are writing them at that time, rather than there being someone called 'Sherry' shoehorned into the screenplay*².

The (half-arsedly implemented) conceit of the story is that the group speak directly to camera as individuals, breaking the fourth wall and giving their own perspective on pivotal moments in their careers. However these interjections, whilst very welcome, seem too sporadic to be a feature, and the at-the-time opinions of Frankie, Tommy, Bob and Nick rarely seem to differ too much (plus the fact that lead-singer Frankie speaks to camera just once in the entire film). But it's this technique in addition to a very gently painted depiction of turbulent private lives and loose connections to the mob, which give Jersey Boys a sort of Goodfellas-Lite feel.

But all in all, I found the film quite charming and entertaining. It didn't make me run out and buy tickets to the stage show, but I honestly don't think that's its intention. Perhaps not trying quite as hard as it could, Jersey Boys is still a solidly entertaining couple of hours in the popular music industry of years gone by.

Oh, and when the judge asks Frankie (who's clearly in his thirties) how old he is, and he replies "16", you may spit some of your drink out like I did. And the make-up in the final sequence is a bit 'Back To The Future 2' as well. But this is what happens when you try to cover 45 years with the same cast. It's no biggie, but it is noticeable.



It is.



Mostly.



No, but it's on the right path.



It's a DVD on a Sunday night.



No.



I will, but not for a while.



There ain't.






Okay, what is THIS, please?

How come not one person in the film points out that you can have "The Four Seasons", or "Frankie Valli and The THREE Seasons", but you can't have "Frankie Valli and the FOUR Seasons" as there's only four of them to begin with? Martha Reeves wasn't also one of The Vandellas, y'know. "The Ants" did not, as a collective, also automatically include Adam. It's not "Death and the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse", is it?
For crying out loud...


*¹ Although I suspect the only people saying the f*ck-word throughout the 12A rated 'Walking on Sunshine' will be the audience.
*² Yes, Sunshine On Leith, I'm looking at you. "Oh, Jean", indeed. Twats.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Belle

Belle
Cert: 12A / 104 mins / Dir. Amma Asante




Far closer in tone to 2013's Lincoln than the 12 Years train the media seem to be pushing it onto, Belle doesn't come across quite as powerfully as its makers intended it to, although it's still a very fine film.

Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Tom Wilkinson are exceptional as the central character Dido Elizabeth Belle and her well-meaning, if fusty uncle, Lord Mansfield. Everyone else's performance seems a little over-worthy however, and the cast often stumble over their formal, stilted dialogue. We're treated to an altogether impressive ensemble, but it seems almost as if they're too hesitant in the scenes which require them to be the outright racists the screenplay requires, like they're afraid the clips will be used out of context, somehow. Because of this, the film lacks the conviction you know it should have. If anything, I'm surprised at how 'gentle' the drama is, given that some aspects of the story have already been adapted for the screen.

Belle is certainly an engaging enough period-piece, but in different hands it I think it could have been so much more; a picture which needed to be painted with bolder colours.

Pretty much.



For the most part.



I don't think it does.



This is a Sunday-night DVD.



Nope.



At some point, but there's no burning urge at the moment.



There isn't. Who would have thought it?.

Is Tom 'Draco Malfoy' Fenton actually going to get some roles which don't require him to be A Sneering Arsehole™? Only I'm starting to think he's either been typecast, or he's not actually acting at all…

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.