Sisters Cert: 15 / 118 mins / Dir. Jason Moore / Trailer
A patience-testing, spirit-sapping Universal Studios autopilot, first-draft, by-the-numbers, shout-fest; hurled out of the project-development suite and left to fend for itself in the theatrical wasteland which is 'not Star Wars' in a desperate attempt to claw back some stray revenue from the 2015 holiday season; produced and performed by two comedians who appear to love the sound of their own voices far more than they favour script editorial meetings, and who even seem embarrassed to deliver their own ad-libs - a feature necessitated by them working with only half a script full of enforced wackiness, laboured shrieking and tissue-thin sentiment; the kind of film which begins with a comedically snooty character being made unexpectedly wet by a lawn sprinkler, and ends up with Dianne Weist dropping the C-bomb for no other reason than securing the film an edgy 15 certificate.
A comedy movie for people who enjoy neither comedy, nor movies.
In short, it's not, actually.
£3 bargain-shelf DVD. Which you then give to someone else, unopened.
No, and that's the most insulting thing. Both Poehler and Fey are far better than this, yet they helped create the damned thing, it's not like they're just using it as a vehicle. But y'know what? I'm an equal-opportunities comedy-snob, so more power to them. Because if Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart can get away with trotting out shit like this, I see no reason why the ladies shouldn't undermine their own careers in exactly the same fashion…
Be a boost to egos of its two stars? I imagine it does.
*head*
*desk*
*head*
*desk*.
Not that I heard.
Well, Amy Poehler performed voice-work for Free Birds, as did George 'Lok Durd' Takei.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Okay, the biggest problem? How do his hands work? "Because they do"? Really?
You could fuse a whisk onto your Radius bone, that wouldn't make the rotation system self-operating. Without any external mechanics or power source, the moving blades (it's not one Kruger-esque blade per-finger, remember, Edward has fully operational pivoted scissors) would require a musculature system which would make his hands far larger and more unsightly than those in the film, and result in a series of 'open wounds' where the flesh and bone joins to the metal, resulting in the need for constant cleansing and antiseptic treatments (neither likely nor practical considering the squalor he was living in at the mansion). At least it appears that The Inventor used stainless steel, otherwise the rusting of the blades under the skin would lead to blood poisoning in no-time, not to mention the Tetanus risk from all that gardening he's doing.
Most of the above would suggest that Edward isn't biological in the classic sense, but his adoptive family give him food to eat on a regular basis. So what was he eating when he lived in the mansion, how does his digestive-system work, and how is he expected to wipe his arse? If he wasn't inherently organic then he wouldn't have the scar-tissue on his face which isn't in his flashback scenes. And why is Edward so clumsy with day-to-day dexterity when he's never known anything other than his scissor-hands? When the town is such a clear homage to 1960s America, why does Kim's boyfriend Jim say he wishes he was taping the TV show they're watching, since VCRs didn't exist at that time? (Joyce's use of a cassette-deck is equally suspect; not the cassette itself, but the player)
How come Edward not only trims the neighbourhood's scraggy bushes, but also makes them taller and more densely foliated than they were before, too, even on the inside where the leaves and fronds don't grow? Where does he get the blocks of ice for his sculptures?
Why does Kim's father Bill say "You don't know anything about the wonderful world of teenage girls… they reach a certain age, they develop these gland things, their bodies swell up." referring to his own daughter?. Why is Vincent Price being played by Bruce Forsyth?
Who's in charge, here?
And Edward's wearing that leather outfit for the entire film. He's going to stink...
Really. Haven't been avoiding it, it's just never crossed my path.
Absolutely. Burton's always good value for money, even when his films are as archetypal and patronising as this.
Sure, but not to massive cynics who worry about the bio-engineering aspects of fairytales ;)
I didn't hear one, what's up with that?
Edward Scissorhands features Vincent Price (of course), who starred in 1970's Scream and Scream Again (of course) alongside Peter 'Tarkin' Cushing (of course).
Oh, of course I enjoyed it.
That doesn't mean I didn't find it massively troublesome.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
