Review: Haunted Mansion

Haunted Mansion
Cert: 12A / 123 mins / Dir. Justin Simien / Trailer

And so to the House Of Mouse's second-stab at adapting their Haunted Mansion theme park attraction for the big screen. It's an ensemble tale of apparitions and adventure, of chills and chuckles, of ghoulish gags and of grief. The last of these is the cornerstone of Katie Dippold's screenplay, although it never really slows down enough to properly explore the emotions to which it refers (and for Disney that's a criminally-missed opportunity).

All of the central cast here are superbly likeable and perfectly matched to their roles, with particular standout performances from LaKeith Stanfield and Rosario Dawson. The antagonists they're up against, however, don't balance this out with any sense of credible threat. In fact we only really meet one - Jared Leto's 'Hatbox' - a supernatural villain who looks like Tim Burton has re-tooled The Grinch and sounds like a half-arsed impersonation of Darth Vader. Screen-time with this character is all but wasted, then again Leto has proved on more than one occasion that he can easily take an average movie and make it feel far worse. Although the playfully creepy visual effects are every bit as accomplished as you'd expect (given that this is catering to a family audience), the film never manages to evoke the eerie otherworldliness that even Pirates Of The Caribbean managed in its darker moments. Because of this we're never convinced that this is anything other than a ride.

The comedy is executed with more skill than the horror, even if there are plenty of chuckles but no real belly laughs. The scares aim for 'traditional' but still fall short at cliché much of the time. Justin Simien never quite matches the kookiness of Beetlejuice, the adrenaline of Goosebumps or the emotional rawness of Ghostbusters Afterlife. And that's a shame because Haunted Mansion feels like 80% of a great movie, but with its unfulfilled potential and capacity to be something more meaningful the end result is, sadly, forgettable...

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Dumbo (2019)

Dumbo (2D)
Cert: PG / 112 mins / Dir. Tim Burton / Trailer



On the seafront in Margate, Kent, stands a pub. It is a Wetherspoon's pub. It is not one of Wetherspoon's better pubs. Whereas the company is known for renovating locally notable buildings while retaining a unique sense of character (alongside the corporate conformity, of course), this pub was originally a Victorian building which then served as a large amusement arcade until the late 1990s. As a result, there was comparatively little to 'restore' in 2001, and so it's a modern establishment with little-to-no period detailing, complete with the ambience which is to be found in many (although not all) of the chain's hostelries. The pub is called The Mechanical Elephant.

The Mechanical Elephant is named after an oddity from the mid 20th century on Margate seafront. Serving as a ride-on attraction for holidaymakers and daytrippers, an engineered exo-frame housed an engine/pulley system at the the 1:1 scale of a full-sized elephant. This modern marvel was a great novelty, a fun way to spend disposable income providing the customers didn't think about its macabre origins. An automated facsimile of life, lumbering, repetitive and incapable of genuine emotion. Although it strikes a discordant note, in many ways The Mechanical Elephant is an ideal name for the pub.

And in many of those same ways, The Mechanical Elephant is an ideal tagline for Disney's live-action remake of their animated classic, Dumbo.

WRANGLER

Expanding on the original tale, our film opens in the aftermath of the First World War, with horse wrangler Holt Farrier (Colin Farrell) returning to his travelling home to greet his young daughter Milly (Niko Parker) and son Joe (Finley Hobbins) having lost an arm in the conflict and missing the death of his wife while away. The circus, meanwhile, is in steady decline under the auspices of Max Medici (Danny DeVito), a questionable businessman failing to adjust to changing times. When Max buys a pregnant elephant to inject a bit of tropical variety into the performances, everyone is stunned to discover the baby can actually fly using its outsized ears. Success seems assured.

Word of the novelty quickly spreads, notably to disreputable entrepreneur and next-level showman V.A. Vandevere (Michael Keaton). He's determined to make his own money off the back of the pachyderm in his 'Dreamland' theme park*¹, along with his leading acrobat and confidant, Colette Marchant (Eva Green). Short version: Circus down on luck, elephant flies, bad man thinks 'I'll have a bit of that', drama, salvation, end. All of that isn't new. However, you will believe an elephant can fly. And still somehow find it quite boring.

LEVI

It's difficult to know what's gone wrong other than a general lack of effort all round. Danny DeVito is playing this like it's a script read-through, while Colin Farrell is as lost as that wandering accent of his. Michael Keaton and Eva Green are seasoned scenery-chewers of course, but even they've lost their appetite for deconstruction. And it's a dark day in any casting office when Alan Arkin is hired to play Bellowing Alan Arkin™*².

The story drags its feet considering what a straightforward pantomime the whole thing is, and pretty much all characterisation is telegraphed to the point where there are no twists, corners or even curves down the line. But crucially, there should be an absolute joy in watching an infantilised, anthropomorphic elephant taking to the air in a moment of theatrical danger; instead the spectacle is oddly perfunctory. There's no sense of achievement when Dumbo flies, and the framing feels wrong throughout. We're not in the audience taking in the wonder, but we're not in the air sharing his joy, either*³, we're just 'there' - zipping around from cut to cut without a proper chance to see what's happening. And the sporadic 'Dumbo-cam' which gives us a fleeting phant's-eye view of the aerial world is weird, distracting and completely unnecessary, probably the reason it disappears by the third act.

GEORDIE

And it all comes down to TIm Burton. He could ride out that level of gee-whizzery back in the day when he was selling pencil cases to emo kids, but this mainstream shtick plays like a cheap parody of jaded Americana. It's not even like this is textbook-Burton where we can shrug at having seen big eyes, stripy fabric and soaring crane-shots done before. All of those are present, but it really feels like Tim's just not interested here.

But Dumbo himself is great. There's just not enough Dumbo for a film which is called Dumbo. And ultimately, why make a 'live-action' film when the only endearingly human aspects come from the CGI elephant? The film is difficult to actively dislike, but it shouldn't feel like an effort to enjoy a Disney adventure.

If anything, I'm just disappointed that Dumbo wasn't set twenty years later and had the Michael Keaton character and his wondrous cultural extravaganza turned into Howard Stark's Expo. At least that way Disney could have brought the whole thing under one umbrella…

It's closer to Tomorrowland than Batman Returns, but has heavy-handed elements of both.



If you're going to watch it at all, watch it big I guess.



It's decent Sunday-afternoon fodder, so yeah.



Nope.



Yep.



Nope.



Level 1: That engineer from off of Rogue One is in this.





*¹ Another tie with Margate, and probably kinder than the first one in all honesty. ^{[ BACK ]}

*² His usual role these days, to be fair ^{[ BACK ]}

*³ Credit where it's due, the final shot of the film is great. But in a movie about a flying elephant, having to wait two hours to really enjoy the flying elephant is taking the piss, frankly. ^{[ BACK ]}



DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: L.A. Confidential

L.A. Confidential (1997)
Cert: 18 / 132 mins / Dir. Curtis Hanson / Trailer



You've got to hand it to Curtis Hanson, L.A. Confidential is a film which knows exactly what it wants to be, and wastes no time slipping on the plaid sports jacket of 1950s sleaze and intrigue. A pantomime of a crime-romp, it never quite descends into camp territory thanks to the poker-faces of the cast, with the leading trio of Kevin Spacey, Guy Pearce and Russell Crowe playing their roles completely straight despite clearly having an absolute hoot as the three-degrees of police corruption.

They're supported ably by a raft of both character and leading actors, most notably Danny DeVito and Kim Basinger, each commanding the screen entirely in parts which are almost understated, narratively. (As an aside, am I the only one who things the young Russell Crowe here is like a young Ewan McGregor in his look and mannerisms? There's a vulnerability in his performance which I haven't seen before or since*¹, and this might be the most likeable performance I've ever seen him give. What happened, Russell?)

The only eyebrow-raising aspect of the film is the absurd amount of ADR going on, whereby the slightest and most indistinct of mouth-movements appears to result in some of the clearest dialogue you've ever heard. I'm not complaining about that as I can't stand mumbling in films, but the effect is quite jarring at times, especially if you're watching in hi-def.

L.A. Confidential is a quite remarkable and wholly uncynical homage to the gangbuster movie of Hollywood's golden age, the likes of which wouldn't get made in 2015.

In fact, I'm amazed it was even made in 1997…

One didn't watch Kim Basinger thrillers in the 90s. It wasn't the done thing.



I am.



I would, in a sort of Sunday-afternoon-movie kind of a way.



Not that I heard.



Kevin Spacey starred in 2009's The Men Who Stare At Goats, as did Ewan 'Kenobi' McGregor.







*¹ Although to be fair, I find Crowe non-specifically unlikeable to the point where he's not 'a draw' for me when it comes to choosing movies to watch, so he could be putting out the most touching films that humanity's ever seen and I wouldn't know about it. But I doubt that, somehow. I doubt that a lot.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: The Lorax (3D)

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.



The Lorax (3D)
86 mins / Dir. Chris Renaud

This is what happens when my local has Batman on three of its five screens and Magic Mike on the fourth. In a bid to avoid the hubbub around the Sports Day that's opening as I type this, I went to see a kids film during the summer holidays. That's how desperate I am for cultural fulfilment.



The Plot: In an isolated town that has forgotten about nature, a young boy Ted learns of a mysterious creature named The Once-ler: the only one who knows the story of what happened to the trees. The Once-ler recounts the tale of the young man responsible, and the guardian of the forest that tried to stop him - The Lorax.

The Good: The animation itself looks great (although most animation at this level looks great these days), and as usual the 3D works a treat in this format. The voice-acting's solid enough, and when it's not being hampered by the story the characterisation's quite good, too. There are a lot of sight-gags involving the forest dwelling creatures that should please everyone, and they were certainly the highlight for me.

The Bad: There are two or three musical numbers in the film which seem jarringly out-of-context, given that it's not a musical. I can forgive the opening titles that introduce the town of Thneedville, but after that the songs are too widely-spaced to be a motif. It's not a biggie, and it probably won't bother the kids.

The Ugly: From the trailer, I was worried that the film would descend into a hand-wringing eco propaganda reel, and it certainly tries to become the conscience of the audience, but the problem for me is that the environmental message is hammered home so tactlessly that it actually comes off as insincere. The film seems to have things to say about ecology, consumerism and authority, but they're mish-mashed into an unconvincing morality tale that shoots itself in the foot as it's delivering it. Apparently fans of Dr Seuss are unhappy with the way the story's been butchered, and without being familiar with the source-text, I still get the feeling they have every right to be. The core of the story itself is so far at odds with the medium of delivery that it renders the whole thing pretty much pointless.

Worth £8+? Not really. The little ones will enjoy it, but they could just as easily enjoy it on DVD.



Final Thought: If trees are so great and plastic is so bad, how are you going to market spin-off merchandising? Did you think of that, Universal?


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.