A feature-length aftershave commercial turned Jez Clarkson wank-fantasy where shiny cars, lens-flare and jaw-dropping misogyny take the place of any narrative drive or character development, with a cast (whose accents wander so much they need new passports half way through the film) who fail to plausibly deliver a script which has been written by a computer to feebly bolster a plot that even manages to rip off the franchise it's trying so unconvincingly to rejuvenate, featuring some of the most badly dubbed ADR you'll ever have seen if you can take your face out of your hands after watching the flaccid fight choreography that complements the script perfectly, and quite frankly the only people to come out of this debacle with any shred of integrity are the stunt-drivers, although by taking The Besson Shilling™, they themselves are no less complicit in this atrocity's existence.
I had low expectations for The Transporter Refuelled and it failed to meet even those.
An utterly, utterly turgid film, although I'm sure it'll have its fans…
No.
No.
Ray Stevenson's in it, so that's really a moot question...
No.
Yes.
No.
There is a boot-shot.
Not that that's any consolation.
Ed Skrein starred in 2012's Ill Manors alongside Riz Ahmed, who's due to appear in Star Wars: Rogue One.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Big Game Cert: 12A / 90 mins / Dir. Jalmari Helander / Trailer
And the award for the most shamelessly entertaining load of old bollocks I've seen in a long while goes to… Big Game, a Nordic, straight-to-DVD action thriller which has somehow picked up Sam Jackson and Jim Broadbent in its cast, facilitating a (admittedly limited) theatrical run.
When US President William Alan Moore's (Jackson) plane is shot down by terrorists over the Northern Finland forests, he finds himself teaming up for survival with Oskari (Onni Tommila), a young prospective hunter on a three-day rite of passage to make himself a man. They have to learn to trust and help each other, and prove themselves against the elements and Moore's treacherous staff.
The film is gloriously aware of how ridiculous it is, yet always manages to play with a straight face. Somehow. In fact, the utter commitment of Jackson, Tommila and director Jalmari Helander is the only thing stopping Big Game being utterly dreadful. But they believe in the film, they have fun, and they pull it back from that edge. And then some.
A budget which looks like they didn't get much change out of hiring Jackson, Broadbent and Ray Stevenson (pantomiming it up to the nines) relies heavily on soundstage-shooting, which looks a bit odd when the majority of your film's set outdoors. It's never a deal-breaker, but it really looks like the whole thing is indoors. Additionally, Broadbent and Stevenson can be charged with failing to control an accent in a built-up area, although with a movie as batshit-crazy as this one, even I didn't mind too much. And don't even ask how Air Force One, blasted out of the sky with a missile then submerged in a lake, still has its electrics and computer systems intact and operational.
In terms of adventure (and to be fair, the film is 90% chasing though the Finnish undergrowth), Big Game owes as much to Indiana Jones as it does the myriad 1990s action-thrillers it's an homage to (there's even a scene with a fridge, but I promised I wouldn't bring that up again), all backed up with a very Silvestri-esque score from Juri and Miska Seppä. It's an insane amount of fun crying out for a bigger budget, although you get the impression the film would lose its charm in the hands of the Hollywood studio system.
Cinematic chewing gum, Big Game isn't meant to be a substitute for real sustenance, just a pleasant distraction until that arrives. If the final glory-shot of the movie*1 doesn't leave you grinning like an idiot through its audacity alone, you've forgotten how to have fun…
Not particularly, if I'm being honest…
…although you should see it on the big screen if you get the chance, because a lot of the film's knowing bombast will be lost on the journey to your living room.
I wouldn't go that far.
Oh, it probably does. Aim low…
Nope.
I didn't hear one. There's a 1492 reference (where a 1138 one should really be, with Jackson onboard), and the main character's name appears to be a tribute to Watchmen author, Alan Moore. There are probably a whole ton of easter-eggs and inside jokes which I didn't manage to pick up on in one sitting, yet there's no Wilhelm Scream?
Stars Mace Windu himself, Sam Jackson.
*1 Basically a live-action recreation of the poster, up there. Oh yes, I'm entirely serious. And so are they.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Insurgent (3D)
Cert: 12A / 119 mins / Dir. Robert Schwentke / Trailer
It should really go without saying (but I'll say it anyway), that Insurgent*1 is a sequel to Divergent in a very real and direct sense, picking up swiftly from its predecessor with very little in the way of catch-up. And I do have to admire the film for this; Insurgent knows its audience, and plays to them and them alone*2.
That said, of course, aside from a switch of director and a haircut*3 we're largely on the same turf as last time, with the film carrying on the modus operandi of two hours of teenage petulance and foot-stamping, while Shailene Woodley's squeaky voice sends the residents of the nearest dogs home into absolute meltdown. The haircut, incidentally, is self-administered at the top of the film's first act, to give Tris a more practical look and stop press articles using promo shots from the first film. Actually, characters in films seem suspiciously adept at cutting their own hair (cf Blue Ruin), especially when they're going from a style that's clearly taken years to grow, into a short bob or a crop. I only mention this because there's a lady in my office who regularly cuts her own fringe, yet more often than not it looks like she's done it in the dark. Ah, well.
Insurgent is certainly a more focussed film than the first one*4, necessitated by the urgency of the plot, but I still found the protagonists too annoying to want them to succeed. Which is a pretty major obstacle when you're trying to like a film. In addition to this, the villains are every bit as moustache-twirlingly overblown as they were before, with perhaps the most embarrassing being Jai Courtney's scenes as he chews every last bit of scenery he can get his jaws on. It seems sad the think that Die Hard 5 can be the highlight of anyone's CV as Jai hams things up almost as much as Kate Winslet, who's convinced that she's the villain in an animated Disney movie. But at least it looks like Kate's enjoying herself.
And then, just when my mind was really starting to wander, the film's third-act is interesting. Nicely structured, boldly actualised and really interesting. Tris undergoes a series of simulation-trials based around the traits of the five factions*5, and it's like we're watching a different film. Okay, the sequence certainly needs the film-and-a-half beforehand to set it up, and it's faintly reminiscent of the Resident Evil movies, and the ending seems to share a lot with the ending The Maze Runner pulled with only one film, but - most importantly - it's left me wanting to see the next movie. And I'm fairly certain that's the point.
A hesitant step for the Divergent series, Insurgent is a step forward nonetheless. The film knows its strengths, but can't seem to let go of the things weighing it down. I can't say it had much of an impact on me (again), but I don't think the '41yr old men' presentation took up much time at the Summit Entertainment's demographic meetings. I look forward to 'Newsagent' if only because at this pace, I'll be able to rate it "pretty good".*6
…and I can't be the only one who was waiting for hooks and chains to spring out of the box, can I?
If you're an existing fan, yes.
If you're not bolting out the door to the cinema then you can probably wait for this to be on cable/Netflix. If anything, it'd be ideal to watch back-to-back with the first film.
In no way, shape or form.
Oh, probably.
Not really.
There isn't, yet there are plenty of shots of people falling off things. MUST. TRY. HARDER..
Insurgent's pantomime-villain Kate Winslet performed voice-acting in 2006's Flushed Away as did Andy Serkis, he of the as-yet-unspecified role in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
*1 And it's all very well Summit Entertainment registering the film as the standalone 'Insurgent'at the BBFC, but most cinema chains appear to be promoting it with the cumbersome moniker 'The Divergent Series: Insurgent', in a move that either has little-to-no faith in the strength of the brand, or little-to-no faith in the intelligence of the audience. They may as well have tagged it 'The Divergent Series: Insurgent - you know, the one with Thingy Woodley in it from last time. Like a knock-off Hunger Games with slightly less to say about society, but more jumping off things. You quite liked it, remember? She was in that film where her and the other one had the cancer and went to Anne Franks's house, as well. Yes her.'
*2 Although speaking of 'audience', demographically targeted advertising is all well and good, but Insurgent features an ad for Facebook before the film. Yeah, y'know. That Facebook. As if there's a single fucking person in the auditorium to watch a Divergent film who's thinking "Oh, that's what Facebook is… well I think I'll check that out then! Eeeh, whatever next?".
*3 And while I'm on with the superficiality of it all, this post-apocalyptic dystopia has quite a lot of make-up in it, doesn't it? It's almost as if Shailene Woodley's Tris and Naomi Watts' Evelyn are going to be the founding members of the Maybelline faction in the next film.
*4 And probably more focussed than this review, to be fair. Footnotes like these are what happens when my mind wanders during a film. Or, more pertinently, when the cast, director and editor allow my mind to wander during a film. Yeah, like this snarkiness isn't my fault...
*5Brainy, Frowny, Smugly, Hapless and Wishy-Washy. But there's no test for the group for people without any faction, Raggydolls.
*6 Thanks for reading all these, by the way. Yes, you. Thanks.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
I think it's about Stacey off Eastenders leaving District 12 to go and join Slytherin and be one of the Lost Boys before Darth Winslet turns them all into her personal clone army. Or something. As a straight-on action movie it's surprisingly watchable if inoffensive, but thematically it's pretty dire…
Rarely has a film worked so hard at conveying one message…
Fairly.
Not as much as I was supposed to.
For me, absolutely not. For its market, I have no idea.
*shrugs*.
A little.
I can't foresee that occasion.
I'm pretty certain I heard one when Winslet gets stabbed in the neck.
That's not as much fun as it sounds.
You know that bit where they're standing by the sorting-bowls and cutting their hands in an unnecessarily lengthy coming-of-age ceremony? Did anyone else see a whole pile of sterilised knives lying around? Only there are hundreds of kids in that auditorium, and I only saw one cutty-handy-knife. It only takes one of the early ones to have Hepatitis and that's a generation of citizens fucked, surely? How is that society-building?
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
