Picking up right where The Desolation Of Smaug leaves off, Peter Jackson's final installment of the Hobbit trilogy clocks in as the shortest of the set, at just under two and a quarter hours. Not that it feels it, necessarily. While it doesn't dawdle the way its predecessors did, there are still some pacing issues, although at this point in the story all that matters is reaching the ends of the various threads which are being spun. In this respect, the film succeeds fairly well (although I am a casual fan at best, so I'd be hard pushed to go toe-to-toe with any disagreeing Tolkenists).
The bottom line is that if you've been on-board for the ride so far, you've already weathered the worst that this adaptation of the story has to offer, and The Battle Of The Five Armies has all of its prep-work done for it by 'Journey' and 'Desolation'*1. What follows then, is the resolution of the 'what have we done?' cliffhanger from the previous film, leading into the titular Battle. Once the plot turns to Thorin Oakenshield, holed up in his castle and going nuts over the Arkenstone, the lion's share of the action is brought to him, although we do occasionally cut to other locations for a bit of alternate-rumble relief (and can I say how great it is to see Christopher Lee's Saruman kicking off properly? Yes. Yes, I can). There are frowns, there are laughs, there are roars and there are tears. And in the case of Thorin himself, there's a decent performance from Richard Armitage as he seems to do action far better than he does brooding melodrama*1
Martin Freeman seems to have less to do in this film (which, considering the over-arcing title…), but he's clearly settled into the role by this point, and his own resolution scenes at the end of the film play nicely. Which is just as well, because once again Peter Jackson doesn't want to let you off the rollercoaster when the ride stops, and there's A Very Gradual Wind-Down™ before the credits hit the screen. It's not in the same league as Return Of The King, but again you can feel the reluctance to admit that the story is done.
There's still much to point-and-laugh at, of course. Orlando Bloom appears to be almost entirely animated in this episode, such is the strain of the effects department to keep Legolas at the same age. Meanwhile, Armitage's accent is worn out from its constant commuting between Huddersfield and London. Stephen Fry's 'Master' seems determined to turn the film's early Laketown sequence into a full-on pantomime, and this mantle is gamely picked up by Ryan Gage as his lieutenant Alfrid in his scenes which follow, hamming things up like a budget Russell Brand. Oh, and a cross-eyed Radagast is just as hilarious as he was in the preceding two films, I kid you not.
A satisfying end to a trilogy which has taken far too long to reach its conclusion, then suddenly realised that what it owes its audience is a good old fashioned massive punch-up. And the middle 80 minutes of the film is just that ruck, but it's the one you've been waiting six hours for, so you can't really complain…
Largely.
Pretty much, although some of the moments had me rolling my eyes.
I think it actually does.
If you've seen the other two at the flicks, you'll want to see this one big as well.
Although obviously the 3D is neither here nor there, as usual.
I won't.
I will, but I'm not sure it'll be at the cinema.
Y'know what? The middle-section of this film is basically carnage, so I'm not all together sure. If it's in there, it's certainly not as prominent as the one in An Unexpected Journey.
…I'm not the only one who thinks Dark-Galadriel is hot, am I? Like, hotter than Light-Galadriel?
*1 By which I mean the previous films, not the bands Journey and Desolation. Obviously.
*2 Although whatever Armitage does in these films, it's still way better than watching him driving around tornados. Then again, Actually Being In A Tornado is better than watching Richard Armitage driving around tornados…
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
So it turns out that due to a projector malfunction when I first saw this film, I missed Peter Jackson's screen-cameo of almost Stan Lee proportions. Well, there we go. This second chapter of The Hobbit story feels like a much more focused film than its predecessor, but still with the same tendency to dawdle occasionally (in particular Laketown, which not only knocks the film out of gear, but also disconnects the engine and takes the wheels off).
I still maintain that the best part of the movie is the barrel-chase, even if it does feel a bit like watching someone play a video-game. Bilbo's growing obsession with The Ring is also nicely realised here, and is pretty much the one part where Martin Freeman gets to actually act rather than being Tim From The Office™.
On the downside, what the hell's going on with the Human/Dwarf/Hobbit size ratios in this film? In some of the shots where they're all together, the dwarves have been shrunk in the frame so they look like children, rather than the squat warriors they're meant to be. I enjoyed the film again though; it shows a nice progression
Best line #1: "Kili's sick. He's very sick.
In fact, he's got Advanced Colour Desaturation, which is cinematic shorthand for the penultimate stage of a terminal illness…"
Best line #2: "You have keen eyes, Master Baggins! What with you being able to spot a 700ft stone dwarf carved into the side of a mountain with a staircase for a leg. I only hope that visual acuity lasts to the top, where we'll all be looking at a wall of largely flat stone for a keyhole that has to be a couple of inches long, by definition of the key alone…"
Well, yeah.
More than the last film.
More than the last film.
It's between you and your DVD player, now.
Nope.
In the future, yes.
Not hearing one, unless it's buried. Which given how clear it was in An Unexpected Journey, seems unlikely.
If you know that someone transforms into a rabid bear and they hate dwarves, why would you take 13 dwarves to squat in their house for the night? That'd be like rocking up at N*gel F*rage's summer cottage with So Solid Crew in tow…
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Watching this again on the big screen (for an 8-hour triple-bill, no less), and knowing what's to come in The Desolation Of Smaug, it really hammers home how much this film drags its heels in telling a story. When the intensity's turned up, An Unexpected Journey is highly enjoyable, but there's too much broad humour and padding-out.
That said, I'd forgotten how much fun the first ten minutes of the film are, before things slide to the point where there's a musical number centered around doing the washing-up. And I swear to God that sometimes, Ian McKellen's and Richard Armitage's overacting reaches the point where you'd think Dab and Tench were playing the parts…
"You're right! And they're smacking the crap out of each other with rocks, which would be a bit like naked men beating each other up with chunks of meat, when you think about it!"
"Yay! Not weird at all!"
More or less.
Well, about half and half to be honest, but the good half makes up for the bad one.
In the grand scheme of things, yes.
You're pretty much stuck with DVD/Blu-Ray now.
Nope.
I will, but not for some time.
There bloody well IS, yes.
So if The One Ring™ is meant to turn any wearer who's not cleaner-than-clean into some sort of super-intergalactic murdering bastard, how come all Gollum does with it is live at the arse-end of a cave in his pants?
Not exactly taking over the world, is he?
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Before I get stuck in, let me say right at the top that the effects-work in Into The Storm is nothing short of outstanding. When the twisters are closing in and hurling cars and farm machinery into the air, you feel every howl, whoosh, and gut-wrenching crack. More to the point, the cinematography in those scenes is breathtaking, too. The sheer chaos and savage beauty of the squall is thrust at the viewer with deafening precision as the audience collectively holds its breath, either wide-eyed or peeping from the corner of one eye.
Which is why it's a real shame that the rest of the film is such an utter turd. Taking the standard disaster-movie structure that outstayed its welcome in the 1990s, John Swetnam's screenplay is so formulaic and unashamedly dumb it makes Roland Emmerich's work look like Wes Anderson's. Perhaps the worst part is that the film spends 15 minutes clunkily setting up a device whereby each of the four groups we'll encounter are recording any-and-everything on video cameras, in order to give the film that found-footage feel that the kids are loving these days*1. Notwithstanding the fact that the professional cameras, semi-pro domestic cameras and redneck-owned cameraphones all seem to be recording at the same ultra hi-def, super-stabilised resolution with crystal-clear audio levels, we also get plenty of shots which can't be filmed by any of the characters. The film never forgets about the first-person vibe, it just can't be bothered to stick to it.
Hastily slapped onto this are some of the most one-dimensional characters ever to be partially-written, substituting phone conversations with their children for character-depth, and autopiloted soundbites for meaningful interaction. Of course Richard Armitage has got to be a single-father doing his best to raise his two sons after his wife's death. Of course Sarah Wayne Callies has to be a brilliant, if underrated workaholic meteorologist with a five-year old daughter she doesn't see enough and that breaks her heart at twenty minute intervals. Of course Matt Walsh's hardened stormchaser is going to redeem his arsehole personality by sacrificing himself for the good of the group and seeing the eye of the storm first-hand just like he's always wanted before dying*2. Of course the supporting cast of young identikit actors will barely even have names, let alone personalities (guess which one's going to die next? You're right, it doesn't really matter).
Only in this film would a group of people decide to hide in a storm drain (a structure designed to be flooded with water during a storm), during a storm, ten minutes after two of the lead characters almost drowned. Only in this film would the grilles at either end of the storm-drain be held on by two trucks outside and a length of steel winch-cable pulling them together, which everyone holds onto as a super-massive electrical storm passes directly overhead. Only in this film would the ill-timed comic relief come from two redneck stormchasers who are a danger to everyone around them throughout the film, but are also apparently invincible as the hi-def cameras which operate, untended, for the film's entire runtime.
Thankfully, it's all over in less than an hour and a half, done and dusted in time for hugs and clean-up operations under blue skies, and eggshell platitudes straight-to-camera. It's never the ones you want to die that buy the farm…
The second-stupidest film of the year, if big, loud, but ultimately empty bangs are your thing, you may well get something out of Into The Storm. Then again, if you're happy to pay £10 for an extended effects showreel, propped up with a script written by a computer, Expendables 3 comes out in a couple of days…
Oh, the trailer aspires to be as stupid as the film, but two and a half minutes isn't long enough to convey the absolute fucking density of the completed work.
I winced during the storm scenes, and I winced during the rest of it.
I have no idea.
Asda. £3 bin. Within 12 months. Seriously.
You know what? I probably will.
You know what? Not a chance.
There is. It doesn't help.
How little do 'The Walking Dead' and 'The Hobbit' pay, that Callies and Armitage accepted this job without reading the script?
*1 Traslation: that NO-ONE is loving these days.
*2 No, that's not a spoiler. That's my point. If anything, director Steven Quale spoiled this film by making it.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
