Review: Jurassic World - Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (SPOILERS)
Cert: 12A / 128 mins / Dir. J. A. Bayona / Trailer

"Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should..."

~ Dr Ian Malcolm, in one of the few notable moments from the first Jurassic Park film which isn't the subject of a direct callback in the fifth, but really should be.

One of the things I found amazing about Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was that a movie with this budget, creative crew and a limitless digital palette has so little imagination. Think how far through the ideas-book you'd have to be when the fifth movie in a series spends its first hour retooling Kong: Skull Island instead. That's not to say there aren't a plethora of hamfisted references to earlier Jurassic Park entries of course, but still.

The film does feature some nicely executed set-pieces as you'd expect, but they're all very on-the-nose. If anyone watching genuinely believes that the heroes are in danger of not waving behind the end-credits, they've clearly got some catching up to do. And while I freely admit that applies to the vast, vast majority of action-cinema, the protagonists' safety is underlined here with a fat red screenwriter's marker.

It's not that I particularly disliked JW:FK or even that it bored me, necessarily. I just found myself thoroughly uninterested in what was going to happen to the more-cardboard-than-ever characters (although the four raptor 'puppies' in the flashback scenes were adorable).

Nature = good, corporate = bad. It's a message which certainly wasn't invented with 1993's Jurassic Park, but now feels as old as the DNA lying in the veins of a fossilised mosquito, as Universal hammer it mercilessly home - apparently without irony - to the viewers sitting in dark, air-conditioned chain cinemas around the globe.

Speaking of morality: we all know, yeah, that Maisie Lockwood is singly and directly responsible for every death which occurs (on the land, admittedly) after she hits the Big Red Button™ in the compound? Good guys, bad guys, bystanders, pets, the lot. And that includes every evil businessman, cackling mercenary and nameless extra who carks it in the next movie, too.

"...but they're alive!" she tearfully emotes as the surviving dinosaurs thunder out into the night. Well sweetheart, tell that to the families and loved ones of every corpse that racks up because of your moment of humility.

So in order for Jurassic World 3 to create a Hollywood-friendly narrative balance, either Maisie's character has to be held accountable for her actions (ie, suffer the ending of Toby Jones, Rafe Spall etc), or the story will need to fall back on the idea that Maisie doesn't really have a conscience because she doesn't really have a soul because she's just a clone. In which case: so were the dinosaurs, so what does it matter if the they were saved or not? Good luck with that one, Amblin…

Biggest disappointment: that our heroes escape the island on a ship named Arcadia, then the film *doesn't* turn into a Resident Evil crossover.

Rather fittingly, Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom is the perfect theme-park ride. Methodical, mechanical, precision-engineered thrills designed to entertain a summer audience for the duration.

Right before they leave, then immediately start queueing for something else...

Oh, and I'm also taking a point off (no, seriously) for that "nasty woman!" line in the script, the most cloyingly cackhanded bit of zeitgeist camera-winking since Linda Cardellini was made to say 'snowflake' in Daddy's Home 2. Appalling…



Jurassic World.



Well…



Oh, if you like.



Hahahahahahahaha.



We very well might.



Not that I heard, but there is a section in the middle with about five minutes' worth of screaming, and there could well be one layered in there.



Level 1: That engineer out of Rogue One is in this. You know the one.



(did you think I was joking about knocking that point off?)




DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Bleed For This

Bleed For This (SPOILERS, technically*¹. And bad language, certainly.)
Cert: 15 / 117 mins / Dir. Ben Younger / Trailer



And so, December is almost upon us and I braced the now-freezing elements as well as my less-than-warm reservations*² for the true-story movie of Vinny Paziena, the successful Rhode Island boxer who suffered a broken neck in a car crash in 1991, then worked towards an unprecedented recovery and back into the ring to carry on fighting.

As you might imagine, writer/director Ben Younger's film isn't a barrel of laughs, although a few uneasy chuckles are scattered among the scowls, frowns and wincing. The path to righteous retribution is gritty and painful, and Miles Teller puts in a decent turn as the troubled boxer. Also supporting ably are Aaron Eckhart as the only trainer in history who's not a washed-up, exploitative sociopath, and Ciarán Hinds as the only father/manager in history who's not a bitter, exploitative sociopath (Ciarán channelling his best Robert de Niro here, arguably better than de Niro can manage these days).

Although it borrows heavily from the trope-bank (more on that shortly), Bleed For This is actually at its best when it's a story about people. Although it's central to the story, the film isn't about the sport, that just serves as a backdrop to frame the characters. Well acted all round and strongly directed from Younger, the efficient screenplay doesn't spoon-feed the audience too much, although with a plot this linear it doesn't have to. The film also does this weird thing where various clips of news and archive fight-footage feature the real-life Vinny Paz, rather than Miles Teller's portrayal. But not all the clips. And it's all the more noticeable because they don't look that alike. I suspect it's meant to be a tribute, but it's a weird way of doing it.

All in all, I thought Bleed For This was actually a pretty decent (if low-key) drama all the time it wasn't trying to be A Boxing Film™ and applying unrestrained cliches accordingly:

✓ Plucky working-class underdog*³ determined to fight, against expectations and recommendations.

✓ Grizzled old promoter saying "Ya got heart, kid!".

✓ Training-montage with musical backing (three of these).

✓ A flashback sequence in the final act to remind the audience of things which happened less than an hour ago.

✓ A final, climactic, blood-stained match with female members of the family watching from between their fingers on the TV, which goes the full twelve rounds without anybody losing consciousness so is then decided upon by the judges. Yes. Fucking again (cf this and that). Everything the audience goes through with Vinny - the sweat, the pain, the anger, the frustration, the fear, the determination… none of those are what earns Paziena the title. That was done by the opinion of a guy sitting at a desk.
That's not redemption, it's fucking admin.

"Hey Terry, both of these lads are still standing after the full twelve rounds, which one do you think should win?"
"Well neither of them yet, obviously Bob. Tell them to keep punching each other in the face until only one of them can walk out of the ring. That's what they're fucking well there for, after all. I'm here to make sure they don't start biting or stabbing each other, not to hand out 'I tried hard' badges, for fuck's sake. If I knew this was going to be down to my opinion, I'd have called it an hour ago and been at home by now…"

But like I say, apart from being A Boxing Film™, it's a passable enough drama.



The kind of films where people argue in between wearing shorts and punching each other in the face.



There's nothing particularly cinematic about it, I've got to say.
Especially all those reaction-shots during the actual face-punching.



I think so, yes.



Probably not, but it's a solid effort.



Of course not.



Of course not.



Level 2: Well, Miles teller was in the running to be the young Han Solo (and yes, I'm glad that didn't pan out), however, this film stars Katey Sagal who was in that Sons of Anarchy along with Jimmy 'Organa' Smits.





*¹ It's a 'true story', the facts have been out there since they happened in the early 1990s. Although I'll understand if you don't know the outcome of the climactic match before watching the film (I certainly didn't). Anyway, no spoilers in this particular paragraph, just in the review above.

*² Yeah, I didn't want to open the review with a sluice of negativity (although if you're reading the footnotes as you go then I've pretty much done that anyway), but I wasn't looking forward to this if I'm honest. We're not even into full Oscar-season yet and I've already had enough of Worthy True Story Films™; 2016's been angst-ridden enough as it is without putting myself through the ringer when I sit down in the cinema, too. Added to this, I don't seem to have a great track record when it comes to The Boxing Films. Even with the training, skill and passion inherent to the sport (I imagine), it still comes down to two people getting Punched In The Face, and that's what The Stath is for, right? The trailer for Bleed For This is basically just a guy saying "Hey. I might be disabled now but I still want to get Punched In The Face, because that's all I know and when you think about it there's something kinda inspirational about that, don't you think?". Like doing an inherently stupid thing for heartfelt reasons automatically makes it a good thing. Again, cf 2016. And what's that you say? The film's got the lead actor from the Fantastic Four reboot in it? Well, where do I sign up? To be honest, Bleed For This could only have been less appealing if it featured a duet between Peter Kay and James Corden singing about how great they are, a backing choir of three Katie Hopkins clones and Piers Morgan playing a foghorn. And if that's what I'm feeling before I go into a movie, it's really going to have to work hard to impress me.
But Like I said, I didn't really want to open the review with that paragraph...

*³ Although not to piss on the film's parade unduly, but the guy's not an angel by any means. While his convictions all occurred after the events of this movie, you can't imagine that Vinny was into crochet and The Archers growing up, y'know?


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Big Game

Big Game
Cert: 12A / 90 mins / Dir. Jalmari Helander / Trailer



And the award for the most shamelessly entertaining load of old bollocks I've seen in a long while goes to… Big Game, a Nordic, straight-to-DVD action thriller which has somehow picked up Sam Jackson and Jim Broadbent in its cast, facilitating a (admittedly limited) theatrical run.

When US President William Alan Moore's (Jackson) plane is shot down by terrorists over the Northern Finland forests, he finds himself teaming up for survival with Oskari (Onni Tommila), a young prospective hunter on a three-day rite of passage to make himself a man. They have to learn to trust and help each other, and prove themselves against the elements and Moore's treacherous staff.

The film is gloriously aware of how ridiculous it is, yet always manages to play with a straight face. Somehow. In fact, the utter commitment of Jackson, Tommila and director Jalmari Helander is the only thing stopping Big Game being utterly dreadful. But they believe in the film, they have fun, and they pull it back from that edge. And then some.

A budget which looks like they didn't get much change out of hiring Jackson, Broadbent and Ray Stevenson (pantomiming it up to the nines) relies heavily on soundstage-shooting, which looks a bit odd when the majority of your film's set outdoors. It's never a deal-breaker, but it really looks like the whole thing is indoors. Additionally, Broadbent and Stevenson can be charged with failing to control an accent in a built-up area, although with a movie as batshit-crazy as this one, even I didn't mind too much. And don't even ask how Air Force One, blasted out of the sky with a missile then submerged in a lake, still has its electrics and computer systems intact and operational.

In terms of adventure (and to be fair, the film is 90% chasing though the Finnish undergrowth), Big Game owes as much to Indiana Jones as it does the myriad 1990s action-thrillers it's an homage to (there's even a scene with a fridge, but I promised I wouldn't bring that up again), all backed up with a very Silvestri-esque score from Juri and Miska Seppä. It's an insane amount of fun crying out for a bigger budget, although you get the impression the film would lose its charm in the hands of the Hollywood studio system.

Cinematic chewing gum, Big Game isn't meant to be a substitute for real sustenance, just a pleasant distraction until that arrives. If the final glory-shot of the movie*¹ doesn't leave you grinning like an idiot through its audacity alone, you've forgotten how to have fun…

Not particularly, if I'm being honest…



…although you should see it on the big screen if you get the chance, because a lot of the film's knowing bombast will be lost on the journey to your living room.



I wouldn't go that far.



Oh, it probably does. Aim low…



Nope.



I didn't hear one. There's a 1492 reference (where a 1138 one should really be, with Jackson onboard), and the main character's name appears to be a tribute to Watchmen author, Alan Moore. There are probably a whole ton of easter-eggs and inside jokes which I didn't manage to pick up on in one sitting, yet there's no Wilhelm Scream?



Stars Mace Windu himself, Sam Jackson.







*¹ Basically a live-action recreation of the poster, up there. Oh yes, I'm entirely serious. And so are they.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.