Bloodshot Cert: 12A / 109 mins / Dir. Dave Wilson / Trailer 'Ooh look!' shrills the marketing, 'it's made from off a bestselling comic book!!'. Yeah mate, so was Men In Black and Valerian, what's your point?
So, a larger-than-expected turnout*1 for Bloodshot, the latest Sony-punted vehicle for Vin Diesel as a nano-tech reconstructed super-soldier with a wipe-clean memory, working for a shadowy private security operation and in-turn the highest unethical bidder.
Playing out like Robocop watched Iron Man 3 and Total Recall then hate-fucked xXx, there's not a mortal foe our hero can't pound into submission, nor a plot-marker which will cause him to develop one single iota...
The most acting our man has to do here is that constipated look when Mrs Bloodshot gets Fridged before the title sequence has even landed*2. No small part of the problem is that the star apparently won't allow (or perhaps choose) roles where his character possesses any actual flaws that can be resolved during the story, being saddled instead with the unfixable one-dimensionality which only Diesel™ can bring to the screen*3.
To be fair, there is an interesting reality-shift in the film's second act. Well, it's interesting until the film uses this to segue into an even more hackneyed version of itself instead. For a story this linear it sure as hell drags along, refusing to admit defeat until what is essentially an animated finale leaves no deus exes machina'd.
Oh, and 12A-friendly dick jokes are the worst dick jokes.
Across all cultures and media, science-fiction is a means of exploring humanity's limitations by creating futures without boundaries, of revealing the fantastical potential and pitfalls within our mundane form. Bloodshot however is a two hour VFX demo-reel of lensflared bullet-time; a pixel-y, entry-level action sci-fi b-movie with recycled plot-lines, more explosions than IQ points and a testosterone level which would be lethal in humans, all told with primary colours, white noise and reassuringly small words.
Bloodshite.
Remember that time Vin Diesel made a laughably bad movie about his own D&D character? Bloodshot is somehow worse than that, but very much on the same shelf.
It is not.
It is not.
It is not.
Go on, have a guess.
Not that I heard.
Level 1: Toby 'Additional Voices In The Old Republic is in this, and while I can't quite tell if the accent is meant to be Brisbane, Cape Town or Bethnall Green, he certainly seems to be having more fun than I did...
*1 No shut-in virus paranoia for the people of Greenwich, mind you. I looked round during the trailers and thought 'blimey this is busy', then noticed that around half of the audience were kids. And that's fine, Bloodshot is a 12A after all, but Vin Diesel is basically making kids' action movies now. He's finally found an audience who'll take him seriously, if only because they haven't finished growing up yet. The question was of course, would the film be good enough to keep a fidgety adolescent audience engaged? Or perhaps more pertinently, would it be loud enough to drown them out, if not? Guess which one of these gets a "YES"... [ BACK ]
*2 It's faintly ironic that I watched this movie directly after a true story from fifty years ago pointing out that the patriarchy was ultimately making everything shit. [ BACK ]
*3 Hahaha, I joke of course.
Wahlberg, Damon or Skein would easily be able to play Derek Bloodshot to precisely the same effect. [ BACK ]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
After recent cinematic abominations like Pixels, Fantastic Four and The Gallows, it occurred to me, sitting through its excruciating trailer too many times recently, that going to see The Bad Education Movie with the express intention of tearing it a new arsehole was somewhat akin to shooting fish in a barrel. Using a blunderbuss. With that in mind, the stream of consciousness that follows only reflects the positive aspects I found in the film; what it does right, what it does well, and where it's surprising. The overall rating and seven-question roundup, however, will still be succinctly honest.
This review is in no way my entire, unadulterated opinion on The Bad Education Movie, as I'm fairly certain that other media outlets will decide upon it, showing no such restraint.
I should also point out that this burst of uncharacteristic positivity does not represent either a fondness for the original TV series, its performers or creators. It is for no other reason than being a self-imposed writing challenge. After all, seeing the best in films and prompting me to write regularly were the two goals which started me reviewing in the first place...
Using the template which worked so successfully for The Inbetweeners Movie(s), The Bad Education Movie is a big-screen spin-off of a 3-series TV sitcom set in a school, which has been released around the time that exam-results are landing on doormats, with ramped up profanity and a 15-Certificate to suit. The film's roster incorporates all of the mainstays from the TV iteration, and places them into an out-of-school environment, utilising their already-laid character foundations in a wider arena not possible in a 29 minute runtime.
Basically, 'Holiday On The Buses', for teenagers.
That such a format has been used so widely before (and with TV adaptations of Keith Lemon, Alan Partridge and Mrs Brown's Boys setting a recent-years precedent for the Summer months) does little to harm the film, and if anything adds The Bad Education Movie firmly and comfortably to that pantheon. Fans of the show won't be disappointed, as this is really just an extended episode with larger sets and on a bigger screen.
The school-outing to Cornwall is ideal for the exercise, as cinematographer Pete Rowe gets to take in some of the gorgeous coastal scenery to widen the scope. The change of setting also allows for an impressive supporting cast of British comedy and character actors, usually reserved for the small screen. Things never get overcrowded (and there are no stunt-cameos), but the roles which do exist have been cast wisely.
With an end-result which is (tellingly) reminiscent of The Inbetweeners mixed with Hot Fuzz and a smattering of The Mighty Boosh, The Bad Education Movie is a film which knows its audience and plays proudly to them, bringing a narrative-closure to the TV show that couldn't have been achieved on the small-screen.
^^ Everything I have said above is genuine ^^
However, the positivity exercise ends at that line. Readers who think that Bad Education sounds like a reasonable adaptation may want to stop now and visit a cinema of their choice.
For everyone else, highlight-to-read…
Oh, of course not. It's tawdry, patronising, resolutely unfunny, and absolute shite.
The film's jokes are based around AR-glasses, prosthetic testicles, and "the Cornish being a bit weird"…
When this is on TV (in less than a year), you'll be able to claim a partial rebate on your TV licence…
Yes. A film's script in which 'retarded', 'bitch' and 'rape' are used in their colloquially-insulting terms; a film in which a man swallows a purportedly sacred foreskin for comedic purposes; a film in which a woman's drink is spiked with laxatives for comedic purposes; a film in which the only apparent purpose for the character in a wheelchair is to fall out of the wheelchair for comedic purposes*1; a film in which the lead character has his trousers pulled down and genitals exposed for comedic purposes - twice… this represents the best work of Jack Whitehall. Yes.
It actually does, so low are its standards.
Somehow, I probably won't.
There isn't, but there are at least two scenes where you'd expect to hear one.
There's a boot-shot involving a chest/crate; that's yer lot.
The film stars (inexplicably) Clarke Peters, who also appeared in 1981's Silver Dream Racer, as did Richard 'Admiral Motti' LeParmentier.
*1Seriously, though. It's insulting to actor and Paralympian Jack Binstead that the screenplay takes place in so many locations which are clearly inaccessible to wheelchairs (especially when the obvious assistance he'd require is barely shown on-screen, even in the background as a matter-of-course depiction). The film's crescendo features a joke where his wheelchair is stuck on a rocky beach, ignoring the fact that he wouldn't have been able to fucking well get there anyway. Is a visual gag where a kid falls out of a wheelchair really any better when the actor playing him is actually disabled? Does that give the joke a layer of self-deprecation which means it's safe for 'the normies' to laugh at? Given that the rest of the script is puerile and lazy in equal measure, I'm not sure that it does...
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
The Liability Cert: 15 / 86 mins / Dir. Craig Viveiros
From an intriguing trailer comes a mixed bag of a film about a good-for-nothing layabout (Jack O'Connell's Adam) who gets mixed up with a hitman (Tim Roth's Roy), and unwittingly becomes his apprentice. The scene above is a perfect snapshot of the chemistry between O'Connell and Roth, and they make the film a pleasure to watch. That said, it's odd that O'Connell plays essentially the same persona as he did in Tower Block, and yet I couldn't stand that character. Ah, well.
While Peter Mullan puts in an effortlessly great turn as Adam's stepfather, the rest of the cast feel like they're capable of more but aren't getting the chance to have their turn. There's the core of a great thriller here, but it feels neglected as the relationship between Adam and Roy is carefully dissected. By the time it's all wrapped up, it's happened a little too quickly, leaving too many loose ends as the credits roll. As interesting and well-shot as it is (the grey skies of the North East of England set a beautiful muted tone for the film), it feels like a missed opportunity.
The film about a killer wanting to retire, and a hapless kid wanting to succeed him is a good one. The film about regret, revenge and human-trafficking is barely hinted at, and gets lost behind extended scenes of dark-humour.
Still, at least it's not Kill List.
It sums up the relationship between O'Connell and Roth's characters. So, yes.
Mostly.
I think so.
There's no rush, you can wait for this to be on the free channels.
No.
Probably.
No.
Is Peter Mullan as quietly-terrifying in real life as I imagine he is? Y'know, I think he'd be friendly and that, it's just that you wouldn't be able to relax when he was in the room.
Comments box. Let me know? Cheers.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a 'catch-up' review. I watched this film at home, not at the cinema. I saw the trailer for this at the cinema, and I would have seen the film there too, but they didn't/couldn't show it. So now iTunes, Amazon, Netflix and Blockbuster get to reap the rewards of my local's advance-advertising, and I'm sure they're delighted. Now you may say "oh come on, they can't show everything down there", and that would be a valid point if they didn't do things like running Taken 2 for six weeks. Was it that successful? No, I don't think so. Twilight? Batman? Les Mes? Sure, go for it; if they're pulling the punters in then keep making that money. But Taken 2? I ask you. Anyway, this is essentially a DVD review, but still of a new(ish) film. There. I'm glad that's sorted.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
'Ooh look!' shrills the marketing, 'it's made from off a bestselling comic book!!'. Yeah mate, so was Men In Black and Valerian, what's your point?
