Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts

Saturday, 16 November 2024

Short Weird Tales: 1635


The thing squirmed restlessly, as much as the packed, clotted and centuried earth above and around it would allow.

With flesh in various stages of decomposition, the silver in the chains which bound it bit into what remained of muscle, a perennial fire in the blood just as mercury is to a man. But whereas that metal would lead a human into a swift and fevered demise as it pulsed round the circulatory system, no such respite was available to the creature.

Oh, there was a casket of course - or rather a crate; heavy, coarse and nailed shut through coils of more silver chains - its captors hadn't been so naive as to bury the thing in open ground. And most tellingly, the box had been packed with native soil after its captive had been interred, safe in the malicious knowledge that this would keep the creature (un?)alive in perpetual, claustrophobic torment. Yes; the stake, the sword and the cleansing fire might have been a more permanent solution, but the executors of this plan had injected more spite than efficiency into their long-awaited ritual.

How long ago had this incarceration begun? In all honesty it was difficult to tell. Time became meaningless when one couldn't tell the difference between waking and sleep, dream and memory, fantasy and regret.

The thorough entombment with seismic cries of howling justice rang in the thing's own ears for what seemed like years, long after the jailers had ceased making the noise itself. After that, a protracted and sullen silence.

An explosive reaction of rage and despair was what the band of villagers had truly wanted, so what point in letting them win any further? Plans of escape and revenge had long vied for attention in the thing's mind, although foremost among these was the assurance that even here in the earth the creature would outlive them all. For if time had taught it anything, it was that no situation lasts forever.

Ah, time. And what long, glorious years they had been.

The creature itself had no gender, strictly speaking, but instinct had gauged it most practical to inhabit a male host. The man had tastes and gluttonies of his own, of course, and the thing inside him had amplified these to levels which would have finished mere mortals. Uncounted years had passed, filled with wine, women and song.

And blood. Always blood.

For the blood was the life; and what was life for, if not living? That the creature and its host deprived others of this in the name of sustenance was... well, nature's way. Those who do not flourish are destined to perish, after all. There were those who would argue - and convincingly so - that there was little of 'nature' about the creature and its hemal symbiosis, but it was certainly in the nature of the creature. And that was enough. Besides, there were plenty of things still to be discovered by the humans in this world. Some of these because they lacked the tools, some because they just weren't yet ready for the knowledge.

The thing of endless years was partly covered by these classifications; but more that those who had deduced its methodology were not destined to live long enough to pass on that information. And so, as the decades passed, a secondary game began to be played. That of a nomadic survival. Oh, would-be-assassins arriving trembling at the threshold did not worry the man/beast-thing unduly, but carelessness could be fatal all the same.

Through time, the blasphemous symbiosis fabricated differing identities at various locations. It did not do to live too long in the gaze of suspicious men, and this way the thing could be seen to grow ‘old’ in one place before disappearing, presumed dead. At this point of course, it would re-locate to another of its former palaces, a young and distant relative of the one who lived there previously, ready to take up the mantle of benign landowner or noble boyar.

After the cycle of feeding and recrimination had run its course - usually within fifty years or so - it would be time to move to another carefully and secretly maintained ruin and begin again. The crimson legends that the creature left in its wake made sure that no one else would inhabit the castles. Well, rarely in any case. Unwelcome tenants could be disposed of before the thing’s official ‘arrival’ as easily as prying villagers afterward, and it was not likely that these hermits would be missed in any case.

But occasionally - rarely even, although not as rarely as the beast would have liked - a challenge arose.

Whether it was one who heeded the local folklore as well as having the nouse to think around it, or just a particularly charismatic chancer who could whip up a mob large enough to present a logistical problem, life of this longevity did not come without... obstacles.

It was one such obstacle which had rapped - iron on oak - one windswept night, in years of which the creature had now lost count. The thing had felt the stranger's approach, of course. An eager, brash inquisitiveness in the psychic aether; a soul seeking to prove itself to others rather than any solemn determination. There would be no point in ignoring the visitor, since vigorous flambeaux advertised the presence of life (of a sort) within the castle walls.

With no mesnie attending - an indulgence long since spurned in the name of hitherto uninterrupted anonymity - it was left to the creature to see to its own domestic affairs. Roused out of a bored reverie, the host appeared at the door without the scuffing or signs of strain that the visitor expected.

The castle's lone inhabitant towered over the fool in the stone doorway.

As the figure stood, snapped out of his boisterous adventure, the creature sensed no prying eyes outside the walls and so leapt upon this... opportunity, with brutal efficiency.

At once enveloping and flattening its prey, lightning-fast metamorphosis led to large membranous wings acting both as propellant and constrictor, while myriad pincers and fangs erupted at every point of contact with the now-shrieking idiot. Sounds the intruder made were lost to the outside world, cocooned as he now was in the fatal embrace of his attacker.

Cries were soon lost as much to disbelief as to the leathery enclosure which gripped every fibre of his being. The visitor's body seemed - to the creature - to deflate in its grasp. Blood, fats, tears, bile and sweat were consumed with equal relish. The symbiote pair were almost lost in their ecstasy; although wasn't it always thus?

No pleasures known to mere man could equate with the rapture of taking another in this way - so completely and utterly. The inexorable binding of hunter and prey at this moment was exquisite, far more than any mere spearman or archer could know. No matter how anticipated or unexpected the arrival of it, the outcome was always the same.

And it was intoxicating. Exhausting. Overwhelming.

The creature was still, now. Almost as still as the shrivelled hunk of meat it surrounded. The remnant would be disposed of easily enough, most likely with fire. The cursed flame was, after all, the greatest hider of misdeeds and absolver of sins.

The thing was roused from its disposal planning by the silent gaze of others. Unfurling from its nest of butchery, it raised its head while surreptitiously forming pseudo-eyes about itself for panoramic night-vision. Surrounded now. Like a fool. A trap. An obvious trap. Which it had walked straight into.

So eager had it been to feast upon blithe innocence, common sense had been cast to the wind. And what a foul stench now came to bear upon it. The crowd - mob - which surrounded the beast at a cautious distance were armed not only with swords, nets, spears and bows but also... buckets?

The circle closed slowly but uniformly. Traditional implements of war seemed only for defensive measures, whereas... as one man gave the signal, the crafted wooden pails were thrust forward and in an instant the creature was soaked. But this was no witch-drowning. Not water, but fire.

The oil of the knoblauch, every bit as harmful to the beast's physiology as hemlock or belladonna would be to any of these attackers. With bubbling skin seemingly aflame, the rest was a blur. Netted, bound in silver chains and speared in a casket, then buried un-alive. By the time the thing's biological defences had nullified the plant oil, all activity above ground had long since ceased...

And yet it was the recollection of this turmoil which had distracted the thing in the ground from activity above it - here and now. Something - someone - was digging. Not by chance, not through idle exploration. No, there was agency - intent - behind the scurrying above.

After all these years - centuries? - what was this now? Treasure hunters come for stories of silver, or myth-hunters arrived to finish an ancient task?

Still unable to defend itself either way, the old dead thing in the ground was at least grateful for the external gloom; that sunlight didn't sear its grey flesh when the lid of the coffin was finally ripped away from its nails after what seemed like an eternity.

Although the sight which greeted atrophied eyes was no less heart-stopping.

A slobbering beast, much like the creature itself but at least twice the size, caked in mud and in obscenely strong health towered over the open casket, a rudely sharpened stake the size of a small tree trunk poised in its gnarled talons.

But worst of all was the simple three-word greeting and eulogy which croaked wetly from its razor-lined jaws...




DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• Short stories © WorldOfBlackout.co.uk, all entries are fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Y'know, mostly.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Tuesday, 29 October 2024

Short Weird Tales: Cold


- Vampire’s back.
- What’s that?
- I said that vampire’s back. In the garden.
- The same one? Beryl doesn’t come through from the lounge, although she turns the television down.
- Yes, the one with the black hair.
- Well just ignore it, Brian.
- That’s a bit hard when it's staring right at me.
Brian goes back to the washing up. The volume from the living room goes back to its previous level.

- JESUS!
- What’s happened?? Beryl comes pacing through to the kitchen. The vampire is at the window, nose touching the glass six inches away from the sink.
- It's interested in what you’re doing, that’s all. It’s the activity, the movement.
- Is it interested in making me shit myself, Beryl?
- Oh don’t be dramatic, it’ll wander off in a moment.
- Have you been feeding it again? You know it only attracts others.
- No Brian, we’ve had that conversation. It’s cold out, it’s probably just looking for somewhere to shelter.
- But it lives round here somewhere, why can’t it just go home?
- Look, you know they can’t come into the house, don’t worry about it.
- Well I’ve heard them in the passageway at night, shuffling around.
- Because you insist on leaving the door ajar, yes.
- If you close it the air doesn’t circulate and the mould comes back.
- Well which is it Brian, mould or vampires?
- We’re not having this conversation again. If this keeps up, I’m putting the traps back down.
- That’s inhumane, Brian.
- It’s my property, Beryl, I’ll do as I damn well please.
The vampire is back in the middle of the garden now, staring over at the neighbour’s house. Brian dries the dishes, looking out of the window long after the vampire has gone.

Later than night.
Beryl comes downstairs.
She takes a saucer from the cupboard.
Opens a vein. Opens the patio door.
Leaves it outside, out of view from the kitchen window.

Well, it’s cold out.
You’ve got to think of the little ones.




DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• Short stories © WorldOfBlackout.co.uk, all entries are fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Y'know, mostly.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Review: The Transfiguration





The Transfiguration
Cert: 15 / 97 mins / Dir. Michael O'Shea / Trailer



It's a slyly self-aware movie which focuses on a kid obsessed with vampires who berates the 'unrealistic' nature of the Twilight series, but also uses that same series' typeface to display its screen-credits. I approve of this wholeheartedly.

Michael O'Shea's shocking yet quietly-introspective drama/horror stars Eric Ruffin as Milo, a teenager living with his older brother (JaQwan Kelly) in the NYC housing projects who fixates on the undead*1 as a coping-mechanism after a trauma. As he gradually befriends the awkward and introverted Sophie (Chloe Levine) in the same apartment block, they both begin to come out of their respective shells, but how much of their past is lurking, waiting to pull them back?

The Transfiguration is beguiling in that it's a vampire film that's not really about vampires, but still is. And much like that other recent genre-wildcard, this film does have moments of genuine, brutal heft. The the film is very indy, all handheld cameras and awkward silences, and the three central performances are absolutely outstanding here. The silences almost become a character in their own right, with what happens between the beats being every bit as important as the beats themselves. While the film isn't presented in black-and-white, my memories of it are almost entirely desaturated by its claustrophobia. This demands re-watching.

Watch The Transfiguration
It isn't about vampires.

But also, it totally is.*2



So, watch this if you enjoyed?
Imagine someone smashed together Moonlight and A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night in the Large Cinematic Collider.


Should you watch this in a cinema, though?
As much as I loved it, this is a DVD-type movie.


Does the film achieve what it sets out to do?
I think so.


Is this the best work of the cast or director?
Everyone here was new to me, so I couldn't say.


Will I think less of you if we disagree about how good/bad this film is?
Hell, no.


Yes, but is there a Wilhelm Scream in it?
Hell, no.


Yes, but what's the Star Wars connection?
Level 2: This film stars Chloe Levine who also appears in TV's The OA, as does Jason 'Inquisitor' Isaacs and Riz 'Rook' Ahmed.


And if I HAD to put a number on it…


*1 I love that the film's protagonist is a black teenager who's obsessed with vampires, if only because that's a demographic that the genre really doesn't cater for (certainly not at the broad-yet-nano level which he's into it). That said, Milo is a kid who (while he namechecks a shitload of bloodsucker movies) can apparently lecture people on the logic of vampiric physiology, yet he's got a copy of Dracula Untold in his house. What the hell kind of vampire obsessive would give that dreadful old shit any shelf-space? The fact that it's a home-taped VHS (presumably from off of the telly) makes it even more baffling. That film's not worth the effort required to write its name on the tape-label, never mind actually deciding to keep afterwards…[ BACK ]

*2 Come on, you're genuinely unsure if the occupant of that body bag is going to sit up…[ BACK ]


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Review: A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night

World of Blackout Film Review

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night Poster

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night
Cert: 15 / 101 mins / Dir. Ana Lily Amirpour / Trailer
WoB Rating: 6/7


Now this is what Summer cinema is all about; spending Saturday afternoon watching a black-and-white, subtitled Iranian film about a skateboarding girl vampire who listens to Lionel Richie! Fuck, yeah! I know that sounds flippant and/or sarcastic, but it's actually not.
A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is fantastic.

Self-billed as "the first Iranian vampire Western", the inhabitants of a borderline ghost-town, Bad City, are being stalked by a bloodsucker with a taste for wrongdoers, and there are plenty of options on her menu. AGWHAaN*1 is absolutely mesmerising. The film may be subtitled, but it would work equally as a silent-movie with its impeccable visual storytelling. It's loaded with metaphor (visual and narrative), and cinematographer Lyle Vincent's use of mirrors is intriguing; you never see the camera in them*2, but you do see the vampire. If I was an arty-farty film student, I'd say the suggestion is that it's the viewer who is the real parasite, voyeuristically leeching on the close-range troubles of the town's melancholic population. But I'm not an arty-farty film student, so I'll probably keep that chin-stroking thought to myself. Oh.

Crucially, although this is about a vampire, it's predominantly an arthouse flick, yet you can rest assured that the feeding-aspect of the vampire mythos remains traditional, and the ferocity is there when it's required (there's also a delightful nod to Stephen Rea's 'buffoon' sequence in Interview With The Vampire). Whereas the modus operandi for tension-building in most modern horror films seems to be the 'quiet…quiet…LOUDCLOSEUP' approach, AGWHAaN rises above such parlour tricks by having an unblinking camera coupled with a star, Sheila Vand, who can be so inherently unnerving that even her more innocuous scenes feel like playing Buckaroo! when you've got the mule loaded with syringes…

I'd already watched one Western on this day, as well as a film about psychotic, predatory females. A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night towers above both. It's an outstanding film.

You possibly won't enjoy it, but it's outstanding.



Is this film worth paying £10+ to see?
If you think it's for you, then yes.


Well, I don't like the cinema. Buy it, rent it, or wait for it to be on telly?
If it is for you then it'll be a buy-er.


Does this film represent the best work of the leading performer(s)?
I can't really say (for fairly obvious reasons), but it's certainly amazing work from everyone involved.


Does the film achieve what it sets out to do?
It does, indeed.


Will I think less of you if we disagree about how good/bad this film is?
For all my gushing, no I won't.


Oh, and is there a Wilhelm Scream in it?
There isn't.


…but what's the Star Wars connection?
AGWHAaN stars Dominic Rains as a psychotic pimp/dealer, who appeared in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, as did Sam 'Windu' Jackson.

You thought the chain to the GFFA was going to be far longer for this movie, didn't you?
Yeah, I did as well.



And if I HAD to put a number on it…




*1 That's what all the cool kids are calling it. They told me.
*2 You're not meant to see the camera's reflection in any film of course, but this has straight-on shots of mirrors as well as the more commonplace angled ones.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Review: Dracula Untold

World of Blackout Film Review

Dracula Untold Poster

Dracula Untold
Cert: 15 / 92 mins / Dir. Gary Shore
WoB Rating: 2/7



You have to admire the self-effacing attitude of anyone who makes a sweeping historical horror epic in this day and age, and who gives it a final runtime of 92 minutes. It's like the film-makers have given up trying to salvage anything enjoyable from the footage, and have admitted that apart from anything else, the duration of the audience's discomfort will at least be short...

Set in 1442, Dracula Untold gives a sort of prequel/reboot treatment to the 1992 Francis Ford Coppola film, and rest assured that its biggest debt is to that movie and not to any other source-material. That said, the clunky inclusion of the final 'present-day' scene means that the events in Coppola's film can't have happened. Dracula Untold can't even pay a compliment to the one thing it clearly loves. The film's story follows young Prince Vlad (Luke Evans) as he strikes a Faustian pact with a strange hermit (Charles Dance) to give him the strength and resources he needs to free his people from their oppressors (led by Dominic Cooper). Which seems like an odd casting choice as Luke Evans and Dominic Cooper are basically the same actor, aren't they? Anyway, things go a bit wrong and Vlad spends a lot of time wiping out his enemies by turning into a cloud of bats. Somehow. During the day. Somehow. Apparently vampires don't immolate if it's overcast outside.

At a conceptual level, this isn't necessarily a bad vampire story, it just shouldn't have the Dracula label on it. At the practical level of execution, however, the film is laughable. The script is full of pompous, empty soundbites rather than any actual dialogue, and Bram Stoker spins in his grave with every thuddingly expository word than Evans mumbles into the film with a barely concealed Welsh accent. Even if the screenplay was a worthy addition to the mythos (it isn't), Evans displays neither the range nor presence for his role. Worse still is Cooper whose Turkish accent seems to feature more of Connery than of Constantinople. The only performer to escape with any dignity is Charles Dance who gives good menace in his early scenes, although I think that's more his default setting than any real commitment to the film. There's also a comedic contrast between the shots of his troubled speech with his vampire teeth in, and those where he's speaking off-camera and his voice is suddenly clear and not spraying saliva with every word.

Dracula Untold is shite. It's not quite at the same level of insulting awfulness as I, Frankenstein but it's in the same class, certainly. I suppose we should feel lucky that Universal didn't post-convert it to 3D just to add insult to injury. At least there's no sparkling in this vampire film, although sadly that applies across the screenplay and performances, as well.

There was no need for Dracula Untold to have been produced, and nothing is made better by its existence.

There. I said it.



Is the trailer representative of the film?
Oh, it's fairly close, yes.


Did I laugh, cry, gasp and sigh when I was supposed to?
Not exactly…


Does it achieve what it sets out to do?
In no way, shape or form.
Unless it's set out to annoy the Stoker estate, of course
.


Pay at the cinema, Rent on DVD or just wait for it to be on the telly?
If you're going to see it, you may as well go to the cinema. The film is so murkily lit that it'll be almost impossible to watch on your TV unless you have blackout curtains drawn and all the lights switched off.


Will I think less of you if we disagree about how good/bad this film is?
You know what? I just might. A bit.


Will I watch it again?
Will I bollocks.


Is there a Wilhelm Scream?
Not that I heard, although the eagle/hawk sound-effect is used.


And if I HAD to put a number on it…


And my question for YOU is…
How come Paul Kaye is the only one in Dracula's entire camp doing a dodgy Eastern-European accent when no-one else bothers? This doesn't apply to The Baddies™ mind, they're all following Cooper's lead and trying to sound like evil henchmen in a Liam Neeson film



DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Review: Twilight - Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Spoiler-free

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 poster

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Spoiler-free)
115 mins / Dir. Bill Condon

(You can read my review of Breaking Dawn Part 1 here.)


Let's be honest, no words from me are going to convince you on tTS:BDp2*1 either way. You're either going to see it, or you're not, and you already have a pretty good idea about how much you're going to enjoy it.



The temptation is for me to really rip into Breaking Dawn Part 2 and make an escalating laundry-list of its faults. It has many, including a couple of moments where I actually laughed out loud in the cinema, and yet as flawed as it is, it never becomes awful. Because in order to be watching the fifth Twilight, you pretty much have to have enjoyed the other four; there's no other excuse for being there. And since the main offenders in the list are also inherent to the previous installments, there seems little point in underlining them at this late stage. For a Twilight film, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is very much on-par. That should tell you all you need to know.

As with BD1, there seems to be an awful lot of stalling going on in the first half of the film, with plenty of things being explained but very few actually shown. There's also the issue again with the appallingly illustrated passage of time (we're told the child Renesmee is maturing rapidly, but we have nothing to compare it against since the actual timescale isn't mentioned and the other vampires aren't ageing; the film could take place over six years for all the viewer knows), and some of the CGI/makeup used on the offspring of Bella and Edward is nothing short of bizarre. The recruited vampiric witnesses gathered by the Cullens are like a United Nations of one-dimensional casual racism, and the Volturi are embarrassingly laughable, as always.*2

But… but… as a way to round off the cinematic side of the saga… it sort of works. If you're watching it from Edward and Bella's perspective*3 then you'll get what you came for and see everything tied up neatly, and in the context of this movie, that's what matters. With a couple of notable exceptions, everyone gets to do their five minutes, there's a face-off, a battle*4, and the end-sequence you'd expect (although it was far shorter than I was expecting, but LotR has done wonders for my cynicism).

If it sounds like I'm skirting around it, I am. There are far more things wrong with the film than right, but I can't actively dislike it. It knows its audience, and it treats them better than a few other films I've seen this year. It should be applauded for that, at least. You'll either love Breaking Dawn Part 2, you'll hate it, or you'll be largely indifferent. But you won't be surprised. In cinematic terms, it's the ultimate foregone conclusion.

4/7

Oh, but if you must soundtrack your film with songs featuring lyrics which which the characters can't hear (ie they're not on the radio, etc), don't cut the songs into scenes where people are talking so that the dialogue and the lyrics overlay each other. This is inexcusable, unless the film's editor has actually been paid to underline how inconsequential the script is.
So, y'know. Well done, there.


*1 That's what the kids are calling it, right?
*2 Oops. I made that list after all, didn't I? Well, no. That's far from the full thing, trust me.
*3 And I get the impression that you're meant to be, although I don't fit into that demographic, physically or psychologically.
*4 Don't get me started on the battle. I actually enjoyed it, and then it underlines its own ridiculousness to the point where I guffawed. I salute the nerve of the screenwriters.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Review: The Lost Boys

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.

The Lost Boys poster

The Lost Boys
@Caversham Court Gardens Summer Screens
97 mins / Dir. Joel Schumacher

Well if the major distributors won't release any films during the sports day period, I'll just have to go elsewhere for my cinematic entertainment, won't I? How about an summer-evening outdoor screening of a film that I used to watch religiously*1 during my formative late-teens? Deckchairs and Pinot Grigio? Go on, then.

'And I realise… I'm going home'

About twenty minutes amble from Reading station, lies Caversham Court Gardens, home to a Summer's worth of outdoor classic viewing. Ten earth pounds buys you a deckchair to watch a movie that you've probably got at home anyway, but you maybe never got to see on a big screen before. Back projected in hi-def onto an inflatable-framed screen, accompanied by a sound-system that's quite impressive given it's outside, and assisted by a not-unreasonably-priced bar.

9pm arrives, dusk strikes, and a single bat fluttering above the trees heralds the Warner Bros logo onscreen…

That's the sound of 200 people in deckchairs, grinning…

As is often the case with classics, I can't review The Lost Boys objectively because I've watched it too often. In fairness, I hadn't seen it for three or four years, but I still knew every line, every cue, every wiggle of Jami Gertz…

Let's be honest, this isn't a good film, is it? You remember it as the counter-culture cornerstone of the 1980's that it rightfully is. You remember the clothes, the soundtrack, the effortless cool. You remember that there was a character you wanted to have, and a character you wanted to be

But do you remember the clichéd script, delivered terribly by people who couldn't act properly yet, and allowed to do so by a director for whom 'style over substance' is a bullet-point at the top of his CV? Do you remember how immensely irritating Lucy, the boys' mother, is? Do you remember looking at the vampire-pack, and thinking that they obviously cast Kiefer Sutherland for his charisma, Brook McCarter and Billy Wirth for their looks, and then wondering how the hell Alex Winter slipped through the net? Do you remember how overly-soundtracked the film is, and you thought 'wow, I have to buy this!', and you got the CD/tape/record home and realised there's two, maybe three good tracks on the whole thing?

In all honesty, and with the best will in the world, this shouldn't work. And yet it's fantastic. Way more than the sum of its parts, it's a textbook time-capsule of a film. We took it seriously at the time, just as the characters in the story do. Standing on the outside now, we can see how ridiculous it all is, but there's so much charm that it doesn't matter. Like a child who hasn't grasped the telling of a joke, the flaws in the delivery only make it more endearing.

Home time.

And is it just me that thinks in the scene at the end, when Max has his vampire face on*2, he looks like he's being played by Anton Rodgers? He'd have been fucking awesome in that role.

6/7


…enough said.

*1 That's barely even an exaggeration, sadly.
*2 Yeah, spoilers. Sorry.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Friday, 22 June 2012

Review: Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Hunter

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter poster

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (3D)
105 mins / Dir. Timur Bekmambetov



Imagine, if you will, the aura of Interview With The Vampire, told through the lens of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, with all the rompy fun of Van Helsing, but none of the campy humour. That, ladies and gentlemen, is AL:HV.
 
Now I'm aware, of course, that a large percentage of you disliked at least two of those three films I mentioned in comparison. Personally, I loved them all, which is why I enjoyed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It's not perfect, and it certainly isn't for everyone, but it kept me consistently entertained for the best part of two hours, so it's already ahead of many movies I've seen this year. It's also worth pointing out that Mrs Blackout also rather liked it, so it's definitely more action than horror, despite the Cert.15 rating.
 
After the BBFC card and the studio logos, there are no opening credits for Abraham, and no title card. And while I'd say the introduction isn't rushed, exactly, there's no slack left lying around in the setup. We're introduced to young Mr Lincoln and the events in his childhood that turned him into the axe-wielding killer we've all come to see, and the story steams through at full pace for about an hour. At around that point, I'd wondered exactly how short this was going to be as it seemed to be cramming a lot in and leaving quite a few loose ends (ie, looking like an 85 minute film). But then it keeps building. It doesn't really slow down any, although there are a couple of lulls before the climactic battle which seem to drag, by comparison. The result is an oddly paced film.
It still works (for me, anyway), but it feels like running for a bus and wondering what's falling out of your pockets: you won't know until you've got your breath back, and by then you've got to deal with not having it.
 
On a more specific level: The 3D is patchy. It looks great in some moments, looks muddy and out of focus in more, and is almost non-existent in more than those put together. I'm not a 3D-basher, but I'd recommend you see this in 2D. Also guilty of inducing a headache is the hand-held shaky-cam at the beginning of the film. It's difficult to pull off at the best of times, but combined with the 3D, it's a bloody mess. Thankfully this doesn't really come into play after the first twenty minutes or so. The rest of the film looks fine, and the effects work is mostly on-par (although the 'ageing' process of Mary Elizabeth Winstead is amazing for its barefaced laziness).
 
Now, given the preposterous nature of the movie (remember the title?), it's acted extremely well. Not outstandingly or anything, but everyone manages to keep a straight face and deliver a surprisingly 'realistic' script. My brain kept wanting to nitpick and ask questions about certain props, events, lines etc... but AL:HV has a kind of inherent silliness that renders any criticism of historical factors redundant.
 
Not being familiar with the source material, I was worried that maybe too much money had been thrown at something that should be a low-budget 'quirky' film. But that part in the trailer with all the fire? That's the flashiest bit, and when you see the full sequence, there's no way it could have been done on a smaller scale. Sure, it's over the top, but you remember the title of the film, yes?
 
Benjamin Walker brings to mind a young Liam Neeson, for all the right reasons (in fact, I was disappointed they didn't hire him for the second half of the film as the 'older' Lincoln), and Rufus Sewell seems to be channelling the spirit of Ian McShane as Adam, the film's bad guy and head vampire. It's kind of like a Muppet Babies of badass, in that respect.
 
If you run with that silliness, you'll enjoy Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. But if you don't get on with it, I won't hold that against you.
 
6/7
 
Oh, and it's nice to see the vampire/silver connection used again. Too many movies ignore this.

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• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

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