(You can read my review of Breaking Dawn Part 1 here.)
Let's be honest, no words from me are going to convince you on tTS:BDp2*1 either way. You're either going to see it, or you're not, and you already have a pretty good idea about how much you're going to enjoy it.
The temptation is for me to really rip into Breaking Dawn Part 2 and make an escalating laundry-list of its faults. It has many, including a couple of moments where I actually laughed out loud in the cinema, and yet as flawed as it is, it never becomes awful. Because in order to be watching the fifth Twilight, you pretty much have to have enjoyed the other four; there's no other excuse for being there. And since the main offenders in the list are also inherent to the previous installments, there seems little point in underlining them at this late stage. For a Twilight film, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is very much on-par. That should tell you all you need to know.
As with BD1, there seems to be an awful lot of stalling going on in the first half of the film, with plenty of things being explained but very few actually shown. There's also the issue again with the appallingly illustrated passage of time (we're told the child Renesmee is maturing rapidly, but we have nothing to compare it against since the actual timescale isn't mentioned and the other vampires aren't ageing; the film could take place over six years for all the viewer knows), and some of the CGI/makeup used on the offspring of Bella and Edward is nothing short of bizarre. The recruited vampiric witnesses gathered by the Cullens are like a United Nations of one-dimensional casual racism, and the Volturi are embarrassingly laughable, as always.*2
But… but… as a way to round off the cinematic side of the saga… it sort of works. If you're watching it from Edward and Bella's perspective*3 then you'll get what you came for and see everything tied up neatly, and in the context of this movie, that's what matters. With a couple of notable exceptions, everyone gets to do their five minutes, there's a face-off, a battle*4, and the end-sequence you'd expect (although it was far shorter than I was expecting, but LotR has done wonders for my cynicism).
If it sounds like I'm skirting around it, I am. There are far more things wrong with the film than right, but I can't actively dislike it. It knows its audience, and it treats them better than a few other films I've seen this year. It should be applauded for that, at least. You'll either love Breaking Dawn Part 2, you'll hate it, or you'll be largely indifferent. But you won't be surprised. In cinematic terms, it's the ultimate foregone conclusion.
Oh, but if you must soundtrack your film with songs featuring lyrics which which the characters can't hear (ie they're not on the radio, etc), don't cut the songs into scenes where people are talking so that the dialogue and the lyrics overlay each other. This is inexcusable, unless the film's editor has actually been paid to underline how inconsequential the script is.
So, y'know. Well done, there.
*1 That's what the kids are calling it, right?
*2 Oops. I made that list after all, didn't I? Well, no. That's far from the full thing, trust me.
*3 And I get the impression that you're meant to be, although I don't fit into that demographic, physically or psychologically.
*4 Don't get me started on the battle. I actually enjoyed it, and then it underlines its own ridiculousness to the point where I guffawed. I salute the nerve of the screenwriters.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Hello. Atrociously late in reviewing this one (but let's face it, it's not like my review was going to be your deciding factor in going to see this) for which I apologise profusely. Ramping up for the Christmas Season at Blackout Towers, and very little time on the internets. But I digress.
So. The fourth Twilight movie, and the third of which I've seen in the cinema. A good strategy seems to be Monday nights. It's not the weekend, it's not cheap-Tuesday or Orange Wednesday, so you actually get a fairly quiet crowd, as opposed to the sold-out auditorium of 14yr old girls who can't leave their phones alone for two hours*1 (which was what I was expecting).
Skip to the End… I'm not kidding, there is nothing (no.thing.) in the first hour of this movie that couldn't be summed up in a 3-to-5 minute montage. They get married, those two mopey arseholes square up to each other, they drive down to Rio, they get on a boat, they have the kind of sex-scene that gets more embarrassing to watch the older you are, they both fucking mope about for an hour, and then they realise Bella's pregnant and that's not a good thing (because it was always going to be, wasn't it? Mating a human with a non-human, and just blithely assuming that everything would go swimmingly). Apparently 'the honeymoon' covers a two period. I'll be honest, it felt much longer. Once they get back to Edward's gaff, the passage-of-time is similarly skewed (oh, they've been back for a month, but you could show that in five minutes), but at least we start getting meaningful interaction*2 from other members of the cast. Considering there's slightly less than usual of Bella fucking sighing around the house even though it still happens, the second hour is good. It almost makes up for the first one.
Soundtrack Overload: What the fuck is with the constant soundtracking? It's almost as if there was no score written for the film at all. The only time I want to hear that many songs-with-lyrics in a film is when I'm watching a fucking musical.
Subtitling of the wolves: Or lack thereof. I understand why we need the human voiceovers when the wolves are talking to each other in full dog-mode; to carry over the inflections that are limited when your animated wolves are… well, wolves. But I'll be honest, it just comes off as silly. Which is a shame, because I'm really liking the rest of the wolf-concept*3.
Slowly Slowly, Catchee Vampee: Home come Meyer's vampires can move faster-than-sight when it comes to packing bags in a hurry (no, seriously), but the minute they're being chased through heavy woodland by a 300-pound wolf, they fucking dawdle enough to be caught? Or were they just weighed down by the feeding they'd just done? And while I'm on there's a scene where Rosalie*4 comes into the room and walks past a mirror, and she's got a reflection. That shouldn't even be worth mentioning at this stage, but it still irks me:
Q: Do you need human blood to survive? A: Well, I can manage without it, although I do get a bit sulky.
Q: Do you burst into flames in day/sunlight? A: No. Cloudy days are fine, and in the sun I go a bit 'sparkly', I suppose.
Q: Do you have a reflection in a mirror? A: Yes. Yes, I do.
You're not a fucking vampire. You're a goth.
Summed Up: The first hour? Fucking awful. The second hour? I enjoyed it very much, although I can understand how other people might also think it's fucking awful. If you've liked any of the Twlight films, you'll like (some of) this. But let's be honest, you knew that anyway, didn't you?
Yeah, a four. Oh, it was alright. Eventually.
*1 I know it's a pet peeve on mine, but during the first hour of this, I was tempted to start texting people, if only to warn them away from the cinema… *2 Okay, as meaningful as you're going to get in a Twilight movie. I know, alright? *3 That said, full props to David Reed of Film Fandango Podcast when he pointed out that although they pull their shirts off before changing, their trousers just seem to turn into a dog. *4 Oh, look at me. Knowing the characters' names...
DISCLAIMERS: • ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Normally, I'd think twice about seeing this, or at least give it a hard time for its not inconsiderable faults. However, after the SeptemberI'vehad trying to watch "film", this movie is more than welcome.
If you've seen the trailer, you'll be thinking it's a fairly empty action/thriller, with The Other One Off Of Twilight™ leaping around and getting shot at and shit blowing up and that. You'd be right there, as well; but let's break it down...
The Plot: Taylor Lautner (The Other One Off Of Twilight™) is an ordinary 'should be happy' high-school jock, smug, borderline-bully dickhead, until he discovers a bizarre secret from his past which turns his life upside-down! Grinding familiarity ensues...
The Good: In terms of blowing shit up and jumping out of trains and cars, this is a perfectly servicable thriller. A little slow at the start (with a presumably deliberate "Twilight" opening shot), but after the first set-piece, the action sequences are fairly evenly paced. It's all very much by-the-numbers, but what the hell were you expecting? It's got The Other One Off Of Twilight™ in it. AndHim Off Of Harry Potter™ as well. Somehow, the film's producers managed to bat way above their average and also secure Sigourney Weaver and Alfred Molina, but they didn't really give them that much to do, so I figure it's easy-money in downtime for those two.
The Bad: Being a 12A, and starring TOOooT™, there are a couple of scenes aimed directly at 15yr old girls. Embarassingly so. And around these areas, the dialogue is almost painful. The rest of the time, it's merely "standard". But I don't think any of us were there tonight for the scripting. Oh, and Heroine™ needs to do something about those eyebrows. Jeez...
The Ugly: A few massive lapses in logic here and there. Example; The assassin on the train waits until Heroine™ goes to the buffet car, then follows her almost back to the compartment that she and TOOooT™ are hidden in... but then waylays her into another carriage, knocks her around and asks her at gunpoint which compartment number they're in. Almost as if the dumb fuck couldn't have just waited 30 seconds, when she would've led him there anyway.
Also, despite having heavy product placement from Apple, each of the computers in the film has that dummy operating system that only exists in movies, where massive windows take up the whole screen, and things are typed out by the computer in... real... time... It wouldn't matter so much if they didn't spend so much time explaining how hi-tech everything's meant to be when it's clearly not.
Research Your Fucking Film: In all fucking honesty, the movie takes place on the west coast of America (Virginia, Pennsylvania). At one point in the "evening" when it's dark outside (but before TOOooT™ has had dinner), a phone call is made to "London, England", where it's apparently the middle of the afternoon. Not five hours AHEAD of the USA, so actually ALSO NIGHT. It's not that difficuly. Seriously, it's not.
All In All: Nothing great, nothing new, but an entertaining distraction nonetheless. A DVD-job, for sure.
DISCLAIMERS: • ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organizations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
