Review: Haunted Mansion

Haunted Mansion
Cert: 12A / 123 mins / Dir. Justin Simien / Trailer

And so to the House Of Mouse's second-stab at adapting their Haunted Mansion theme park attraction for the big screen. It's an ensemble tale of apparitions and adventure, of chills and chuckles, of ghoulish gags and of grief. The last of these is the cornerstone of Katie Dippold's screenplay, although it never really slows down enough to properly explore the emotions to which it refers (and for Disney that's a criminally-missed opportunity).

All of the central cast here are superbly likeable and perfectly matched to their roles, with particular standout performances from LaKeith Stanfield and Rosario Dawson. The antagonists they're up against, however, don't balance this out with any sense of credible threat. In fact we only really meet one - Jared Leto's 'Hatbox' - a supernatural villain who looks like Tim Burton has re-tooled The Grinch and sounds like a half-arsed impersonation of Darth Vader. Screen-time with this character is all but wasted, then again Leto has proved on more than one occasion that he can easily take an average movie and make it feel far worse. Although the playfully creepy visual effects are every bit as accomplished as you'd expect (given that this is catering to a family audience), the film never manages to evoke the eerie otherworldliness that even Pirates Of The Caribbean managed in its darker moments. Because of this we're never convinced that this is anything other than a ride.

The comedy is executed with more skill than the horror, even if there are plenty of chuckles but no real belly laughs. The scares aim for 'traditional' but still fall short at cliché much of the time. Justin Simien never quite matches the kookiness of Beetlejuice, the adrenaline of Goosebumps or the emotional rawness of Ghostbusters Afterlife. And that's a shame because Haunted Mansion feels like 80% of a great movie, but with its unfulfilled potential and capacity to be something more meaningful the end result is, sadly, forgettable...

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Father Figures

Father Figures
Cert: 15 / 113 mins / Dir. Lawrence Sher / Trailer



Well, you know you've had a challenging day at the flicks when you're pinning your hopes of a smile on a Warner Bros comedy about an absentee sperm-donor...

Twin brothers Peter and Kyle Reynolds (Ed Helms and Owen Wilson, and before you ask - no, their completely differing looks aren't the punchline for a single joke in here. Twins don't have to be identical of course, but it's almost as if one of them was second-choice casting after the script had been completed). I'll start again...

Twin brothers Peter and Kyle Reynolds are both nominally successful in their chosen fields as a proctologist and the branding-face of a barbecue sauce respectively, but both have a midlife crisis on the horizon. This is accelerated when their mother Helen (Glenn Close) lets slip that their estranged father isn't the man she always said he was. Now, the two have to overcome their superficial differences to venture on a cross-country road trip and track down their real, biological dad. Hilarity ensues. Or at least I imagine those were the final two words of the pitch that secured funding for this to be made.

My laundry-list of complaints with Father Figures is lengthy, broad and simultaneously petty, but I'll try to keep this brief. First and foremost, it's actually amazing - considering their genre-history - that two established comic actors such as Helms and Wilson share absolutely no chemistry on-screen. Their characters have been written to be diametrically opposite at the beginning of the film, but there's little-to-no closure of the gap as it wears on. The road trip formula provides the pace and changing scenery required to drive (no pun intended) a movie of this type forward, but it lacks the sincerity to be either moving or funny, both of which it's clearly aiming for.

The whole thing is just so slack, as if the string of setpieces have been penned by a different writers who have never met, or been given character outlines*¹. The twists in each strand are so telegraphed that the film may as well include a synopsis in the opening titles, and the gags use lowest common denominator humour (to be expected), but delivered by a cast who are at least 25 years too old to be doing so with any level of confidence. While (despite the best efforts of writer Justin Malen) the film never quite crosses the line into hateful territory, it's oddly bereft of atmosphere, zest or flow. Like a dress-rehearsal for blocking and lighting purposes, but where the cast assume that the cameras aren't rolling.

Naturally, all of this builds to a sentimental crescendo and closing moral-message which the film has not earned in any way whatsoever. It's by no means the most ill-judged movie I've watched in recent memory, but Father Figures fundamentally fails in its remit as a comedy. Although what can we really expect from a screenplay which uses special needs, incest and colon cancer as throwaway punchlines?

To be fair, one patron found the movie consistently and vociferously funny. Then they packed up their vast collection of snacks and left fifteen minutes before the end, not to return.

Even the fans of Father Figures fucking hate Father Figures...

Imagine a car crash involving a gender-flipped Mamma Mia! and Identity Thief, except worse than that sounds.



No.



Stream in haste; repent at leisure.



It's not.



Well I'd be delighted to hear your opinions about the film, put it that way.



There isn't.



Level 2: Well this film's got that Ving Rhames in it, and he was in that Pulp Fiction alongside Sam 'Mace Windu' Jackson, Bronagh 'Maoi Madakor' Gallagher and Phil 'Rebels Bail Organa' LaMarr.





*¹ Most telling dialogue exchange: "Hey, at least buy me dinner first, next time!" quips Peter's patient at his proctology clinic. "That's really funny, I've never heard that one before" he deadpans back. But the jaded medical professional does this 30 seconds after saying "Well, the good news is I've found your car keys in here!", which one assumes he uses at least six times a day, pretty much negating any criticism of clichéd responses. It's this sort of glaringly inconsistent characterisation which further embarrasses a cast who appear to plotting how to get the film removed from the IMDB while it's still being made... ^{[ BACK ]}


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Wonder

Wonder
Cert: PG / 113 mins / Dir. Stephen Chbosky / Trailer



Right. At one point early in Wonder, Isabel (Julia Roberts) says to her daughter Via (Izabela Vidovic) "Look, it's Hallow'een tomorrow, why not take the day off school and we'll make it a long weekend?". So in this story, the last day in October apparently falls on a Friday. The last Friday, October the 31st was in 2014, and there won't be another one until 2025. But we also see young Auggie (Jacob Tremblay) in school with a Star Wars: The Force Awakens travel-cup, bearing the image of Kylo Ren. Since the SW:TFA merchandise was only unveiled in September 2015, this means the film can't be taking place in 2014. That's okay, maybe this all happens in the future for reasons which aren't explained. Look, it's fine.

But later on, we see Via's friend looking at her phone, where the display reads "Friday Feb 24". Since the film follows Auggie's first turbulent year at school, this is clearly supposed to be four (rather than sixteen) months later. And when Hallow'een falls on a Friday, the following February the 24th will be a Tuesday. Every time. So one of those is wrong.

So how do you expect to buy into the emotional truth of your story when you're openly lying to me about the 'facts'? This is bullshit*¹.



This movie shares many of its beats with The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, also from the same director, although Wonder is more family-oriented.



Let's be honest, as great as Wonder is, this is a Sunday-afternoon DVD. I saw it in a cinema at a free screening, so the room was absolutely packed with chatty, code-ambivalent civilians. But as this was for World Kindness Day, I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on them. That said, there were no ads or trailers and no allocated seating for this event, which people are no longer used to. This resulted in absolute confused carnage the likes of which I'm sure we never saw before the seating-system was introduced, as latecomers stumbled around the almost-sold-out auditorium in the dark, squeezing in front of people to reach mid-row seats*² and having conversations about it all the while.



Absolutely. Wonder is more than a story about a child coming to terms with his birth-defected appearance, but also the dynamic this creates within his family and their social groups. Although as one character in the story observes, that family still revolves around Auggie. The film's diary-style character inserts feel like they were a more central part of RJ Palacio's novel, getting inside the head of family and peers to explain their point-of-view, right or wrong; in the screen version these sections are inconsistently paced, shorter than is realistically useful (often cutting back into the main narrative without closure), and crucially don't cover all of the major players. The film still succeeds because of its heart, though.

Wonder is sad, funny and inspiring in all the right places, even if the the complete lack of sharp-edges probably gears the film towards a younger audience (despite holding valuable advice for all in this world). It's like being waterboarded for two hours with liquidised Hallmark-Channel of course, but the film has unshakeable conviction and, just as importantly, a superb cast to deliver it.



Not best, but strong game from everyone involved. Jacob Tremblay is outstanding as always as young Auggie; his performance isn't quite as complex as the one he put in for Room, but then neither is the role. Both Izabela Vidovic and Danielle Rose Russell manage to convey teenage social stresses without coming off as bratty, and Julia Roberts masterfully exudes stoical protectivity. Owen Wilson is also on great form as Auggie's dad Nate, and has great chemistry with the youngster, although this seems underused in the final edit of the movie (although at 113 minutes, the run-time is already pushing its luck).



Absolutely not.



Definitely not.



Level 1: No shared cast-members, but Wonder gets an honorary level-1 because of a) the sheer frequency of Star Wars references and general affection the film displays throughout, and b) the pretty legit-looking Chewbacca costume being used a few times (even though we don't get Peter Mayhew or Joonas Suotamo wearing it).



Oh, and it loses a point for having a 'greatest hits' montage at the end, patronising the audience and demeaning the story's characters at the same time.


*¹ Unless of course the conversation between Isabel and Via was taking place on a Sunday with October 31st being on the Monday, and she was talking about extending the weekend out that way. In which case this could have happened at Hallow'een 2016, which would indeed make the following February 24th (ie 2017) fall on a Friday, like the film says it does. This is far more likely to be the case, admittedly. But I'm fairly certain that both Via and Auggie are shown as being at school the same day as the aforementioned conversation. And who goes to school on a Sunday? (note: this question excludes 'Sunday School', which isn't actually school at all). And what the hell kind of parent is like "yeah mate, just take the day off your education, I imagine that'll be fine"? This is still bullshit. ^{[ BACK ]}

*² Not me, I arrived early and deliberately sat at the row-end with no thoroughfare available or needed going past me. I don't like people at the best of times. A fact of which I'm sure you, dear reader, are already aware... ^{[ BACK ]}


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Cars 3

Cars 3 (2D)
Cert: U / 109 mins / Dir. Brian Fee / Trailer



So the school Summer holidays are imminent, which means it must be time for a Pixar movie. Last year saw an time-passingly entertaining, if thoroughly unwarranted, sequel entry being released into the water, whereas 2017 brings us… yeah, you guessed it. Same*¹.

Cars 3, arriving six years after its forebear and eleven years after its originator*², follows the story of Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson), a hotrod-red racing car who's beginning to realise he's past him prime as young up-and-coming contenders leave him crossing the finish-line in their wake. We meet old favourites from the previous movies, plus a slew of new characters, all animated and voiced in the inimitable Pixar style.

Nothing short of exquisitely animated (and I love that the sets and backdrops are now essentially photo-realistic), it's enthusiastically voiced and fairly solidly constructed for a target-audience of younger viewers. But ultimately, the whole thing is uninspiring, coming across as little more than a loosely-connected series of fast-cut track races. For a full on Disney/Pixar production, you know this should be more engaging on an emotional level. If anything, the most interesting thing about the film is how uninteresting a film which had seven writers can turn out to be. It's also a Disney movie which manages to have a tongue-in-cheek dig at saturation-merchandising, which is either very meta, or blissfully non-self-aware.

By no means Disney/Pixar's A-game, Cars 3 will keep your youngsters entertained for the duration of its run-time, at least. As a tale of mentoring, motivation and the inevitability and acceptance of ageing set in the sun-scorched desert, it's a bit like Logan for the under-10s.

Albeit with less claret. Obviously.

Cars. Cars 2.



Not unless your padawans are dragging you there.



Keep the franchise ticking over in a low-gear? Yes.



Nope.



Nope.



Nope.



Level 1: This film's got the voice of Major Derlin in it.






*¹ Although in defence of what I'm about to say in the rest of this review, beforehand I witnessed trailers for The Emoji Movie, The Nut Job 2, The My Little Pony Movie and a CGI thing where James Corden voices Peter Rabbit, all of which look fucking dreadful, so at least I wasn't sitting through one of those. ^{[ BACK ]}

*² In all fairness, 2013 and 2014 took a detour and brought us an unwarranted spinoff and its own unwarranted sequel, respectively. ^{[ BACK ]}

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Zoolander 2

Zoolander 2
Cert: 12A / 102 mins / Dir. Ben Stiller / Trailer



You would think, wouldn't you, that comedic actors/writers/directors desperately reminding audiences of their cinematic relevance would attempt to resuscitate their former glories first, before making their full-on mid-life crisis movie. Not that it's any easier to watch the other way around. I suppose we should all start bracing ourselves now for There's Still Something About Mary…

Sure, that's a major snark to open with, but I feel this film deserves it. It's never awful*¹, but it's never more than faintly amusing either. And for a Comedy™, that's just not enough. Zoolander 2 opens with the chase scene from the first trailer, in which a hooded figure is pursued by motorcycle-riding assassins through the streets of Rome before revealing himself to be none other than Justin Beiber, who is then gunned down and dies immediately after posting A Selfie™ to Instagram. The joke which takes 22 seconds is the trailer is dragged out for six minutes in the final movie, and gains nothing for it. Even though this is actually a first block in the wafer-thin story of the film, the pacing of the scene works far better in its shorter form, and anyone who's seen the trailer (statistically that's most of the audience, remember, otherwise the trailer has been utterly pointless) already knows the punchline. Plus, the scene ends with this glaring anomaly…



Yep, hair - check, hood - check. A completely different photo! Yay! There's a continuity error in the first gag! Yeah, of course that's intentional Ben. It's not even meant to matter, only the joke is stretched to the point where you can't help but notice. And it's this slapdash approach to self-indulgent circle-jerkery which epitomises Zoolander 2 perfectly, with its heavily telegraphed, drawn-out screenplay and a lengthy queue of celeb-cameos (from both the worlds of fashion and show-business) whose eagerness to appear on-camera is far, far ahead of their self-awareness.

Ben Stiller has made a fan-film of his own work and he'd like to charge you money to watch it.
Caution advised.

2001.



Only if you're a fan of mainstream studio-comedy who fell into a coma in 2002, has recently awoken and needs a gentle buffering into how the world has changed (or not).



…



They wish.



Actually, I probably won't.



There isn't.



Level 2: Zoolander 2 has the muddy paw-prints of Ben Stiller all over it, who appeared in last year's While We're Young alongside Adam 'Kylo Ren' Driver.







*¹ Seriously, for all my moaning it's not awful. But it's boring.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.