Review: The Equalizer 3

The Equalizer 3
Cert: 15 / 109 mins / Dir. Antoine Fuqua / Trailer

I can't believe they haven't called this The 3qualizer. Never thought I'd see the day when Lionsgate's Expendfourbles have got more cojones than Sony Columbia but here we are.

Anyway, Antoine Fuqua has teamed up once again with the only actor in his contacts list still picking up the phone for another hour and three quarters of dad-vigilantism*¹. Pathologically unable to keep his neb out of other folks' business, Robert McCall (Denzel Washington) has put his past killing Russian gansters and Turkish gangsters behind him, and has moved for a quiet life in... *checks notes* ...southern Italy. Well, quite. Also stars Dakota Fanning as a CIA operative literally phoning in a performance for half the runtime.

An absolute pantomime of a film with much of the exposition thankfully lost in mumbled dialogue, what Fuqua sees as a 'steady pace' is more like dragging out a tight 85 minute thriller. Things could be worse but this sags frequently, eventually limping to a muted finale probably intended as 'nuanced', but looking like the budget was about to run out. Cinematographer Robert Richardson really earns that "injury detail" warning on the BBFC card, in fact the only thing shown with more glee than the violence is a gang of seven Italian mobsters standing around a spotlit table plotting murder while literally eating spaghetti bolognese. On a similar note, Marcelo Zarvos's score nodding merrily to The Godfather feels every bit as cheap as one would expect.

Like many of the movies this Summer, Equalizer 3 wouldn't have been out of place 15 years ago but feels slightly too grubby in 2023. It's technically competent, but plies its trade without verve or self-awareness. There's evidently still a market for this sort of thing otherwise Sony's badge wouldn't be on the front, but everyone here is going through the motions while they can still get away with it*²

Still, it's not the most egregious Italian bloodbath I've seen this year, and at least this one was actually filmed there.

*¹ I know I call these movies dad-bait, but there was an advert for Lynx Africa before tonight's screening. I rest my case. ^{[ BACK ]}

*² Why does it feel like I'll be typing this again for Expendfourbles? ^{[ BACK ]}

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: The Equalizer 2

The Equalizer 2 (Spoilers. No seriously, massive SPOILERS)
Cert: 15 / 121 mins / Dir. Antoine Fuqua / Trailer



Well, credit where it's due, Denzel Washington is arguably making better Liam Neeson films these days than Liam Neeson. And much like everyone's favourite taciturn Irishman, the New York born actor is capable of more, but apparently not interested.

Director Antoine Fuqua returns with his screen-muse for the unwarranted sequel to the movie which no-one asked for, 2014's The Equalizer*¹. Robert McCall (Washington) has taken a step up from working at the local B&Q while disrupting the activities of Russian prostitution gangs, and is now a Lyft driver. This gives the  former black-ops assassin the perfect opportunity to eavesdrop on the private lives of his passengers, and stick his judicial oar in after they've vacated the car. A bit like a 21st century version of George Formby's window cleaner, if George had gone around putting in the windows of customers he didn't like. Now there's an Ealing comedy I want to get made.

But back to the plot. Or plots. In between donning a Dick Emery-level disguise on the midnight train to Istanbul (no, really) and helping a Second World War refugee be reunited with his long-lost sister (no, really), Bob is a quiet pillar of his local community in Boston, MA*², and keeps in regular contact with his former colleagues from the killing bureau. Because who wouldn't. Always ready to painstakingly scrub away graffiti with a nailbrush (if anything, he's just working it deeper into the brickwork) and lend worthy books to local drug-dealing apprentices, McCall's existence is trundling along on a fairly even keel until his ex-boss and soup-buddy (not a euphemism) is killed whilst on a works-visit to that dodgy Europe with its Sneaky Unwashed Foreign Types.

Now Bob's got to lay off the taxi driving for a bit and crack the case, because that's why the audience is here. Scenes.

So as you've probably gathered, we're now long past the premise of a humble sociopath protecting his neighbourhood from coincidental injustice, and into the shadowy realms of government conspiracy. You've seen this film before. And that's not to say that Equalizer 2 is outright bad, but it is outright disposable.

For the most part, Washington coasts along with his solemn, thoughtful expression until it's time for a fast-cut fight scene. There are a couple of moments where he begins to channel the more relatable qualities of his character from Fences, and I have to admit that even I thought 'Whoa mate, what are you doing? This is no place for All The Acting, reel that back in. Nobody’s asked for it, and it’s not helping'. These quieter scenes feel almost completely at odds with the autopilot thriller the rest of the movie's set its heart on being. Although they don't last for long.

On the plus side, it's nice to see that the broadly xenophobic tone of the genre (and even of this film's predecessor) takes a back seat here*³, with the threats being of a more home-grown variety. Whether this is pointed commentary or an attempt to make the film stand out in a grubby crowd is up for debate, but rest assured that the audience's emotional-buttons are pushed every bit as systematically, throughout.

The film is efficient in its own nuts-and-bolts way, or rather a cogs-and-gears one, and as a result features plot-turns you can set your watch by. I have to say that Agent Whiskey From Kingsman 2 being the bad guy was the most telegraphed twist since Agent Whiskey turned out to be a bad guy in Kingsman 2.

Probably nowhere near as dreadful as I've made this sound, Equalizer 2 is landing in the middle of what appears to be a cinematic drought. And I imagine that in those circumstances, Sony are rather hoping that an average title will suffice in lieu of an interesting one. And for many punters, that may well be the case. But if you remember watching Mission Impossible - Fallout the other week, you may feel shortchanged. In fact, when you remember that Fallout is still playing in the screen next door, you definitely will...

Equalizer 2 is 'basically fine' at best, its only great feature being the one performer who really should know better.

The contents of the Gift Ideas For Father's Day end-of-aisle stand in your nearest ASDA.



If you have disposable cash and low expectations, why the heck not?



If you're male and have children, they'll end up buying you this for father's day.



It's not.



That's a possibility.



There isn't.



Level 2: Denzel Washington's in this, and he was in The Book of Eli with Ray 'Gar Saxon' Stevenson.





*¹ Yeah, the US spelling, with a 'z'. I mean, I respect that because it's the title of the work and Sony have (presumably?) left it deliberately unchanged for the UK release, but it's still painful to type. ^{[ BACK ]}

*² We also learn that Bob has a house out on the storm-battered New England coastline where he used to live with his dead wife, but can't return to for Emotional Reasons™. Obviously he hasn't sold this house, choosing instead to reside in the city and pay the rent/mortgage on two properties as a Lyft driver raking in $16 a pop for journeys. Instead he leaves the abode completely untouched, safe in the knowledge that there's no way it'll be moved into by squatters and that there's no way the flimsy wooden dwelling will be swept into the sea at the first sign of a storm, the likes of which the Massachusetts coastline is famous for (and indeed, the likes of which occurs at the end of this movie). That's Bobby McCall. ALWAYS SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE. ^{[ BACK ]}

*³ Apart from the Bond-esque opening sequence of course, where our intrepid hero has taken the train from Boston to Istanbul in a bid to thwart one of those no good Turkish types who's apparently kidnapped his own half-American daughter just to piss off his ex-wife. This guy's old enough, bad enough and in posession a 3-man entourage of minions to suggest that he's not exactly a recent convert to All The Underhand Dealings. And while he's clearly not a by-the-book Islamic Fundamentalist, we get a callback later after the child is reunited with her mother. It's at that point our minds are cast back and we think 'yeah, that's who Mr 'Sneer At The West And Its Values' would go for: a blonde, educated American woman who runs a bookshop'… ^{[ BACK ]}


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: The Equalizer

The Equalizer
Cert: 15 / 132 mins / Dir. Antoine Fuqua




There are a few scenes in Antoine Fuqua's big-screen adaptation of The Equalizer which suggest that at one point this was going to be a dark and visceral thriller about a vigilante who also happens to be a borderline psychopath, and who uses his connections, experience and knowledge of the authorities to cover his tracks whilst protecting the innocent from crime and corruption. Then the suits got hold of it, wrote a Liam Neeson film and threw some money at Denzel Washington to play the lead as Neeson already had three films in production.

Sometimes, and irrespective of how much The Bad Men™ might deserve to get killed, Washington's Robert McCall drives in the knife / screwdriver / hand-drill / shard-of-mirror with the sort of blank-faced enthusiasm we've come to expect from a David Fincher film. Not with glee, and never with any other viable course of action present, but there's more than just efficiency to McCall's repertoire. Everything else in the film though, is sadly more pedestrian. The plot of 'blah blah widowed retired intelligence officer, blah blah Russian oligarch, blah blah young prostitute who forms a platonic bond with hero' is so tired that it's almost insulting to audiences. Denzel Washington sleepwalks his way through the film, one step away from becoming the Morgan Freeman of action-thrillers. Other 'good' characters in the film are used solely when actually required for the mechanics of the plot, meaning Chloë Grace Moretz doesn't get the screentime she needs for Alina to be effective, and Melissa Leo's cameo appearance is the deus ex machina of plot exposition.

If I sound like I'm being overly harsh, it's because I'm actually disappointed with how little effort the film puts forth. The original TV series ran for 88 episodes, and while it may not have been awarded a place in the all-time-greats, there has to have been more depth to it than this (doesn't there?). At 132 minutes, the film is far longer than it needs to be and feels it, too. There's some fun to be had, and it's engaging enough while it's playing, but there's a painful scarcity of new ideas, here.

The Equalizer isn't a 'bad' film, it's just nowhere near good enough.

But if you like your pantomime villains to twiddle their moustaches in oak-panelled offices, between ostentatiously slapping around sex-workers in their employ, whilst a righteous, silent do-gooder looks on disapprovingly thinking about what size hammer will be right for the job of fixing their attitudes… you may well enjoy this.

It's not an unfair assessment.



Not as much as the director would have liked, I'm sure.



Not nearly.



This is a £2.99 DVD parked by the tills when you're buying some beers for a night in, if ever there was one.



I won't.



I won't avoid it, but there's nothing calling me back.



There isn't, but the hospital scene does feature the 'Dr Davis, telephone please…' sample, and that's the next best thing, right?.

Are we really (seriously) expected to believe that an ex-intelligence officer would murder four people in a room immediately after leaving his fingerprints all over the skull ornaments on the desk and the office door he was playing with, not to mention the murder weapons themselves, and just expect to get away with it? Really, though?

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.