Review: Fast X

Fast X
Cert: 12A / 131 mins / Dir. Louis Leterrier / Trailer

As it hammers the pedal on on the cultural zeitgeist, all those actively engaged on either side of the ongoing WGA strike actions will be further polarised by the revelation that ChatGPT seems to have successfully completed its first full film script. Which is to say, this is technically a script because it's the words the actors are reading aloud, but the content carries an air of indefinable artificiality that cannot be truly recreated by organic beings. Whatever, this jumble of remixed clichés from previous movies is certainly in keeping with the chosen method for its delivery, and it's going to make money from an audience who haven't bought tickets for the wordcraft. Fair.

So, Fast X roars into cinemas at the starting line of Blockbuster Season™ and its sprawling, globe-spanning storyline cannot be coherently summarised in this traditional second paragraph; indeed director Louis Leterrier is unable to do that in two full hours. The main thrust is that Vin Diesel's Dominic Toretto (once again using the word "family" as punctuation to the point where you'd think he's the third Mitchell-brother) has fallen out with Jason Momoa's Dante (having the time of his life as a panto-villain effortlessly combining the Joker and Frank-N-Furter). Luckily, they're both psychologically grounded enough to know that the only way to settle this spat is through driving cars and destroying civil engineering infrastructure.

PUNCH

Yes there's races, there's chases and there's punch-in-the-faces. The three credited writers vie to maintain control in a built-up screenplay while the fuel budget and carbon-footprint goes through the roof, dropping leaden hints that the next movie will be the final one (it won't) and struggling to find dialogue that's not just expositing the indescribable. Cinema staff could have paused this at any point and asked who in the audience knew what exactly was going on, and not a single hand would have been raised. Fast X features enough separately filmed sub-plots to ensure that there are huge swathes of this cast who haven't needed to be in the same room this decade.

These strands are of course necessary as a means of showcasing the ever growing cast of A-Listers willing to pout fleetingly for status in a children's film*¹ reworking of Last Of The Summer Wine. Their characters' storylines may have ended in previous installments, but that won't stop them clocking back in for an appearance-fee the next time, a sort of Marvel Cinematic Universe with limited imagination (do bear in mind that Sung Kang's character died in the third entry and was ret-conned back to life in the sixth; it's also worth noting that Paul Walker actually died almost a decade ago and he's still showing up). The fact that the same faces return each time to deliver variations on the same plot with no variation on the formula suggests that the American studio system has finally cracked the essence of the Carry On series...

RICHARD

All of this sounds admittedly harsh for a film that nobody forced me to watch, but I'm old enough to remember Fast & Furious being genuinely good. To its credit, the cinematography, editing, stunt performing and choreography here are everything they need to be and more, and the cast are trying their best (albeit with varying levels of success) with the material they're given. You know that for an audience who loves going to the cinema but hates cinema, this will be ideal.

Fast X is loud, brassy, and seemingly happy to be filled with trite aphorisms while meaning absolutely nothing. It's hard to think of a more apt metaphor for the movie business in the 2020s...

*¹ Listen, Fast X is a 12A. The BBFC have reviewed this death-defying action thriller and decided that its levels of threat and intensity are suitable for children to watch. And if online wags can persist in sneering that the Marvel and Star Wars series are 'kids movies' then I'm more than qualified to point out the same of what is essentially Hot Wheels: The Movie, written by a trio of eight year olds who haven't studied physics at school yet. ^{[ BACK ]}

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Dungeons & Dragons - Honour Among Thieves

Dungeons & Dragons:
Honour Among Thieves*¹
Cert: 12A / 134 mins / Dir. John Francis Daley / Trailer

Six years feels like a long time for a film to be in development in this day and age. When I say 'development', I mean everything after that day in 2017 when the Hasbro exec in charge of D&D watched Jumanji and hollered "GUYS why aren't WE doing that?". Because evidently that happened...

And so it comes to pass; the very archetype of furrow-browed geekdom for half a century stripped of sharp edges and gatekeeping, retooled as a kid-friendly action comedy starring familiar faces from some of the entertainment world's most successful franchises. And, pleasingly, it works very well.

BARD

Chris Pine leads a pack of mythical adventurers as Edgin the bard (one of only two characters to get any significant backstory work), joined by Michelle Rodriguez's Holga the barbarian (she's the other one), Justice Smith's Simon the wizard, and Sophia Lillis' Doric the druid. Together they try to remove the reins of power from Hugh Grant's Forge (a former ally but perennial con-man) and Daisy Head's Sofina the evil wizard. Chloe Coleman also stars as Edgin's teenage daughter with abandonment-issues. Honestly, that girl doesn't have any luck.

All of these performances are fantastic on individual levels*², although the chemistry between players is lacking somewhat. It's unclear whether this is down to slight miscasting or the challenge of working under two directors. The script, meanwhile, manages to hold the whole thing together, and the film's strength is that its writer/directors have penned this as an action-comedy first and foremost, with the branded tie-in opportunity taking a back seat (Hasbro get their name in the titles, so shifting units from toy shop shelves is down to them now).

The storyline itself is a more standard 'break into the castle / steal the treasure / realise the treasure wasn't the most important thing' affair, which makes up for its shortcomings by deftly spinning the plates of showcasing its characters. While the movie certainly borrows tonally from both its parent-franchise and the wider genre, there are relatively few nods to the mechanics of roleplaying games themselves. But at the height of Act III we do get what initially appears to be a blink-and-you'll-miss-it reference to the iconic 1980s cartoon iteration*³, although this is hammered home a little more firmly in the following minutes to ensure value for money.

CHAT GPT

At its funniest when it really leans into its gags (the extended necromancy scene is delightfully inspired), for all D&D's throwaway quality it's not without a few moments of meta-smartness. A particular favourite comes in the second act where it's suddenly crystal clear than Hugh Grant is playing his slimy, boisterous con-man by doing a 100% impersonation of Boris Johnson, and perhaps because the directors hadn't twigged what he was doing (and because this works for the part anyway), it stayed in the film untouched.

Of course there's a finale to be had, and Honour Among Thieves gets messy in places, not least when it tries to raise its dramatic intensity. Coincidentally, that's also when the film is at its most ordinary as a popcorn-flick. Naturally it will hold the door open for sequels, but providing they expand upon this world rather than just rehashing gags, there's the potential for real greatness in the future.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honour Among Thieves is good. In some places it's almost great. But the elusive Epic Quality™ needed to elevate fantasy films to all-timers is just out of reach here.

Decent work though, lads.
Now do Gauntlet...

*¹ Okay before anything else, I'd like to add how quietly impressed I am at the UK distributors Entertainment One rebranding this with the British spelling of Honour for the United Kingdom promo materials. Because that means there's been a meeting about it pretty high up, and a grammar pedant has absolutely lost their shit until they got their way, and I am here for that.



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*² Genuine credit to Californian actor Justice Smith, whose movie-long British Accent™ is admirably close enough to work for the majority of viewers, but just subliminally wrong enough to be distractingly off-kilter to vocal nit-pickers like myself. ^{[ BACK ]}


*³ Spoilers, highlight-to-read: Seriously though, I thought that the cartoon reference was going to be Sofina attaching the red-wizard's horn onto one side of her shaved head to channel Venger and attain ultimate power. Alas not. Shame. [/ENDS] ^{[ BACK ]}


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Inmate #1 - The Rise Of Danny Trejo

Inmate #1:
The Rise Of Danny Trejo
Cert: 15 / 108 mins / Dir. Brett Harvey / Trailer

Danny Trejo is, somehow, something of an enigma. Instantly recognisable and with a catalogue spanning over three hundred films, he’s become a near-ubiquitous screen presence over the last three decades. Fans of genre cinema will recognise him from Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn, yet he’s also appeared in the family action Spy Kids series, the 2009 buddy-com Fanboys and Laurie Collyer’s addiction-drama Sherrybaby. Some viewers may just know him as That Guy From The Old El Paso Adverts.

Yet for the diversity of his portfolio, the characters played by Danny rarely stray too far from his stock-in-trade: grizzled Mexican hard-men for whom intimidation and violence are a way of life. This is a role which is perfect for him as a performer, and usually works perfectly wherever it’s deployed. It’s common knowledge the actor has a chequered past, but Trejo can’t be too ‘challenging to work with’, or he surely wouldn’t be as busy as he is.

MYSTERY

Doing his very best to unravel this mystery is writer/director Brett Harvey with his fourth feature, Inmate #1: The Rise Of Danny Trejo. The 108-minute film charts the life of its subject through carefully paced interviews with the man himself, his children Danny Jr, Danielle and Gilbert, sister Dyhan and a swathe of friends and colleagues including Robert Rodriguez, Michelle Rodriguez and Cheech Marin.

With interwoven clips from five separate, intimate conversations, Brett Harvey has unparalleled access to Trejo and the range of archival family photographs on display demonstrates the seriousness of commitment from both parties. Inmate #1 is beautifully shot and meticulously assembled in both its interviews and interstitial framing (Harvey is also the director of photography here), with a warmth and calm which ultimately reflects where Trejo has found himself.

SEX

Danny’s misdemeanours and ensuing prison-time started early and formed a long period of his life; this is reflected in them occupying the first half of the film. The second skims over the highlights of Trejo’s screen career (understandable, given its breadth). Both are handled with equal care and reverence.

In fact, the highly polished presentation of the opening minutes sends the subliminal yet unmistakable message that there will be no unpleasant surprises here. No matter how grim the charted history becomes, there’s the feeling that this is the approved version of events if not quite a sanitised one.

Danny isn’t proud of his past but he’s very upfront about his mistakes, and this works to his credit. Inmate #1 doesn't glorify or excuse his transgressions, but neither does it challenge the viewer’s preconceptions over someone it’s already assured them is A Great Guy. Even in his more candid confessions, Danny seems to be playing the part of Danny Trejo™. He no longer has the need to prove himself, and the anecdotes and reminiscences feel very well-honed.

FLORENCE

Brett Harvey is to be commended for the project he’s assembled, although it’s more a cinematic biography than a documentary proper. The storytelling (broad and intricate) comes from its star rather than its director and feels slightly unsatisfying given the actual drama contained within. A detached, objective approach would have made for a more interesting film, but much of its texture would be missing without Danny’s insight.

At the core of his rehabilitation is Trejo’s desire to help people. From his post-prison role as a drug counsellor after completing the 12-Step program, to the community work he still undertakes in his hometown of Pacoima, Los Angeles, to the talks he regularly gives in schools, colleges and prisons, the actor focuses on making the world a better place. Not in an effort to atone for old sins, more because it’s just the right thing to do. This is the aspect of Inmate #1 which shines most brightly, where Trejo’s commentary is the most valuable asset. Whether this should take almost two hours to convey is another matter.

At the end of Inmate #1, the viewer knows more facts about the actor although his enigma remains intact, which feels entirely intentional. Because ultimately, Danny Trejo is an executive producer of this film about Danny Trejo*¹, and it shows...

Difficult to say. I always flounder when reviewing and comparing documentaries, and as noted this isn't really a documentary anyway.



Let's not go there, right now.
Literally..



It is, but probably just as a rental rather than a keeper.



I'd be surprised if that were the case.



Entirely possible.



There isn't.



Level 2: Danny Trejo's in this (no, really), and he was in the underrated Fanboys with Billy Dee 'Lando' Williams, Jaime 'Aurra Sing' King, Carrie 'Leia' Fisher, Kevin 'voice of First Order Stormtrooper' Smith, Ray 'Maul' Park and Peter 'Chewbacca' Mayhew.
It's a good flick, you should watch it. Thank me later.





*¹ Yeah, you're right, the film's IMDB page doesn't say that Danny Trejo is an exec-producer. But the film itself does:



And yeah, since his son Gilbert Trejo is listed there, I'll accept that the Danny mentioned could well be Danny Trejo Jr. But then, since the film later introduces that son as "Danny Trejo Jr", you'd think an exec-producer credit would do likewise to dispel any ambiguity. Besides, Gilbert isn't listed as exec-producer at IMDB either, so what the fuck is even going on at that page?
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DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Fast & Furious 8

Fast & Furious 8
Cert: 12A / 136 mins / Dir. F. Gary Gray / Trailer



Sixteen. As someone who spends a not-inconsiderable amount of time in the cinema, I've seen various trailers for Fast & Furious 8*¹ and, as a result, had wondered how many times the word "family" would appear in the final script. It's sixteen times. I counted. To put that in 'cinematic catchphrase' context, the second Paul Blart movie featured A Fat Man Falling Over a mere eight times. Make of that what you will, but I'm at least glad that Peggy Mitchell's secured a job as a screenwriter.

So despite my thinking that the F&F series really should have been laid gently down after part seven, it's evident that it may well be the last great franchise that Universal have. It's certainly the best vehicle (no pun intended) for the dubious talents of Vin Diesel*², who at least has the rest of the cast to share the limelight and ease the burden of the script (which is frequently excruciating, but who's here for the dialogue, right?).

The film is, in pretty much every sense, exactly what you expect it to be (and no less than you'd expect from the eighth installment of any series). From the opening race around the streets of Havana in which Diesel pushes an old banger literally into the red, this is impressively ridiculous stuff. Things take a predictably mawkish turn when the aforementioned 'F'-word rears its head, but the faux-sentimentality doesn't get in the way of what is essentially a petrol-burning action flick. Old faces and characters appear like at a reunion party, past transgressions not necessarily forgiven, but put on hold out of general goodwill. And once more, the screenplay takes the same cavalier attitude to technology and hacking as it does to the general laws of physics*³. F&F8 may not be everything it could be, but it's certainly everything it needs to be to meet its own selection criteria.

Best line is awarded unapologetically to Jason Statham for "Let's go, Scarface. These arseholes aren't going to kill themselves…".

Fast & Furious 8 is largely an immense amount of fun*⁴, albeit the perfect definition of Bubblegum Cinema™. It's brightly-coloured and distracting, of no real nutritional value, and after a couple of hours you realise it's pretty much without taste.

Plan your viewing schedules accordingly.

The movies which preceded it.



If you like your testosterone and burning rubber to be on a massive screen, yes.



Pretty much.
Whether that's a good thing is up for debate.



It's not even the best of its series, to be fair.



Nope.



Not that I heard.



Level 2: This film stars Michelle Rodriguez, who performed voice-work in Turbo alongside Sam 'Windu' Jackson and Bill 'BB-8' Hader.





*¹ And seriously Universal, you attach the tagline "Fate of the Furious" to the eighth movie in the series and not one of you thinks to type it "F8 of the Furious!" on the poster? You had one fucking job, mate. And don't even go thinking about 'Fast10-Furious, because a friend of mine's copyrighted that shit already. ^{[ BACK ]}

*² Although obviously he's more than acceptable when he has three words to say as the voice of an animated tree. Make of that what you will, as well. ^{[ BACK ]}

*³ Notwithstanding that the film's centrepiece of an EMP-device which not only disables electronic devices but magically shuts down wholly mechanical engines and opens all locked security gates (y'know, the setting you'd definitely have in the event of a power-cut), Vin Diesel's car is clocked doing over 200mph to get onto the boarding ramp of a moving plane, yet he manages to come to a stop within 40 feet once he's in the cargo hold… ^{[ BACK ]}

*⁴ That said, I'll admit that the bits about the unstable egomaniac who's set to launch nuclear warheads just to prove a facile point tasted a touch more bitter than they were no doubt intended. Maybe I should have seen the movie before last weekend, to be fair… ^{[ BACK ]}

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Fast & Furious 7

Fast & Furious 7
Cert: 12A / 137 mins / Dir. James Wan / Trailer



Now personally, I wouldn't have thought that the seventh part of what is essentially the Top Gear: The Movie franchise would have enough commercial or cultural heft to warrant a midnight showing. Luckily I don't work for Universal who organised one anyway. Being the dutifully enthusiastic cinema enthusiast, I went along in the company of a hundred or so other folks who couldn't possibly wait until normal viewing hours the following day.

Following the events of Fast & Furious 6, Vin Diesel returns once more as Toretto, with his team being hunted by the big, bad brother of Owen Shaw (naturally when you've had an actor like Luke Evans who's pathologically unable to hide his Welsh accent, you'd cast gritty-cockney Jason Statham as the kid he grew up with). Tasked by a US governmental black-ops organisation, Toretto's crew have to retrieve a stolen computer chip and take out Shaw The Elder, spending a ridiculous amount of money on tyres and ammunition along the way.

Directing duties for FF7 fall to horror-helmsman James Wan, and he brings us an incredibly focussed film. It's lighter on the snappy humour than last time around, but that's largely due to Dwayne Johnson's Hobbs being on the bench for the first two acts (and a feeling of relief sweeps over the audience when he suits up for the film's climax). That said, Wan certainly has his work cut out containing Kurt Russell, who can't stop twirling his moustache as the government spook who wants The Maguffin ASAP. The film is even bigger and louder than its predecessor, with the cars and buildings a bit dirtier (with the exception of the Abu Dhabi sequence*¹), and many of the previously blue skies being noticeably overcast.

It's still an insane amount of fun, of course, and occasionally is the dumbest Fast & Furious film to date. This is thanks in no small part to Jason Statham, who is simultaneously perfect for the franchise, yet manages to derail the proceedings by being little more than a cardboard-cutout of a bad guy. It's a sight to behold, Statham and Diesel trying to out-stupid each other on the top of a multi-story car park with massive spanners (not a euphemism). By no means on The Stath's list of bad performances, he seems wasted if anything, reduced to an angry cartoon villain by the final reel.

It's good to note that FF7's editing is a lot clearer than FF6's, so that your average viewer can actually tell what's going on during the chase/fight sequences, and features a setpiece where five vehicles are airdropped from a cargo plane, which makes the skydiving sequence from Iron Man 3 look like a school gymnastics display. Long-time F&F writer Chris Morgan knows exactly how these things work by now, of course, and plays to everyone's strengths*², even if the sought-after computer chip is ridiculously overpowered even by today's standards, and the gift-wrapped bomb on Toretto's porch destroys the entire house but doesn't vaporise the three humans standing unprotected within a 15-foot radius in the other direction. But if I start questioning the internal logic of Fast & Furious movies, I guess I'll get the answers I deserve.

While it's not intentionally a 'grimmer' film, you're constantly aware that this is Paul Walker's final outing. FF7 gives a beautifully fitting sendoff to Walker; warmly sentimental without being mawkish, and it's clear in the film's final moments just how much he meant to his fellow cast members (ie family). Even I'll readily admit that I wiped away a tear as the credits rolled.

Sure, it's formulaic as hell, but when your customers love the product this much*³, why would you go and change it?

Big and loud, it certainly is.



This will be a buy-er.



With the best will in the world, I'm not sure I can go that far.



It certainly does.



Maybe just a little.



There isn't, and it's not good enough.



Well, in addition to the (albeit brief) appearance of series-regular Han Seoul-Oh, Statham's character is named Deckard (cf Blade Runner), and the film features a scenery-chewing turn from Kurt Russell, who of course auditioned for the role of Han Solo. The film's like a love-letter to Harrison Ford, albeit discreetly..







*¹ Are there really that many hot women strolling around in bikinis in the city in Abu Dhabi? Because that's not the impression I get...
*² Well okay, maybe not to Statham's.
*³ This is part seven of a franchise, after all.


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Fast & Furious 6 (second-pass)

Fast & Furious 6 (second-pass)
Cert: 12A / 145 mins / Dir. Justin Lin / Trailer



So, Fast & Furious 6 may be way too long for its own good (much like the apparent 18 mile runway at the film's climax), and it may have more casual sexism than an entire series of On The Buses, and it may have a plot so thin that you could hold it up and watch TV through it, but when the wheels are spinning and the fists are flying, it's undeniably enormous fun.

And it bears repeating that any movie which features an overt product placement for Seabrook Crisps deserves a misty-eyed respect from those of us on the Blighty-side of the pond.

Bravo.

Obviously not for everybody, and you probably won't get the chance now as this was a part-retrospective double-bill, but if you're a fan? Yes.



It's a buy-er.



I've probably seen each of its prominent stars better elsewhere, I think.



Without doubt.



Nope.



There bloody isn't. Don't worry, I'm going to write a letter.



Well, as it's the 6th F&F movie...
1) The film's bad-guy Luke Evans starred in The Battle Of The Five Armies, as did Sir Christopher 'Count Dooku' Lee.
2) Gina Carano played the central character in Haywire, alongside Ewan 'Kenobi' McGregor.
3) Dwayne Johnson appeared in GI Joe: Retaliation, as did Ray 'Darth Maul' Park (The Phantom Menace).
4) Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges starred in 2009's Gamer, which also featured Sam 'Darth Maul' Witwer (The Clone Wars).
5) Vin Diesel was of course Riddick, which also starred Katee 'Bo Katan' Sackhoff.
6) Paul Walker had a role in 2010's Takers, a film also starring Hayden 'Anakin' Christensen.

Oh, ka-BOOM. .







DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.