Whilst being carpet-bombed with products and services for GIRL-THINGS™ for 27 minutes prior to the film, I watched the trailer for The Choice, the upcoming movie based on the Nicholas Sparks novel of the same name. As the promo-reel served not so much as an enticement for the film, but basically the entire thing in a truncated 3-minute form, I found myself thinking "hang on, this looks remarkably like the last trailer for a Nicholas Sparks adaptation I saw. And the one before that. And the one before…" At that moment I realised pretty much exactly how tonight's target-demographic feels when they sit through a trailer for a superhero movie. Just as I wasn't buying the clichéd horseshit about sanding down boats and going for long walks with dogs under emotionally turbulent skies etc, these fine cinemagoers around me don't think "Hey, I like the way they've adapted Iron Man's armour for the new movie; it really evokes the silver-age without being too retro!". Seriously ladies, I can tune out the odd TV and billboard advert that I know isn't aimed at me, but after being force-fed for half an hour the bullshit you're exposed to constantly? I genuinely have no idea how you manage to live in this world full-time. I salute you.
Which is more than Warner Brothers are doing in their cinematic interpretation of How To Be Single, a film which is every bit as patronising and methodical as you'd expect (and, I suspect, as was intended). Recycled chick-flick tropes fill the gaps left by the borderline-incoherent storytelling and erratic editing. Nowhere near as provocative or hedonistic as it'd like to think it is, but thoroughly unable to commit to being contemplative (or even mawkish), either.
At its best, How To Be Single is faintly amusing, if facile and self-indulgent. At its worst, the film is like being waterboarded with Lambrini, your gurgled screams drowned out by a Cosmopolitan-compiled playlist. That the script goes so far as to dismissively reference both Bridget JonesandSex & The City shows just how far above its station the film's ideas are. The cast give good value for money as far as they're able, but they're hobbled by a format which objectifies and belittles them far more than the society it's cocking a snook at. The Insecure one, the Mumsy one, the Needy one and the Fat one*1. You can go out and party as much as you like, girls! As long as you conform while you're doing it. Well played, Warner Brothers, well played.
Oh, and take a good look at that poster. It's the only time you'll see those four actresses in the same room. I'd initially wondered why the IMDB page for the film lists Alison Brie far, far apart from the other stars (in the Rest of cast listed alphabetically section), especially as it's apparently in 'credits-order'. This is because while Brie's character and Dakota Johnson's character share a mutual friend, Alison's story-thread has not-fuck-nothing to do with the rest of the film. It feels like some side-anecdote which the movie keeps forgetting to tell or wasn't edited out properly.
Bizarre, unfocused and every bit as slapdash as the rest of the production...
"Maybe we're been making all the wrong moves? Maybe we've been focusing on the wrong stuff and now it's too late..?" says Johnson's Alice in a third-act moment of realisation.
I imagine the editing-team remarked much the same thing, just before they handed in their final cut of the film…
Being patronised by film studios suggesting your love-life (or lack thereof) is somehow not dramatic enough.
It's not really designed for that format, to be fair.
Well I didn't utterly despise the film, despite its best efforts, so no.
I should hope not.
A little bit.
I mean, probably not a lot.
But yes.
There isn't.
Level 2: Rebel Wilson is due to appear in the upcoming Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie alongside Celia 'Bravo 5' Imrie and Gwendoline 'Phasma' Christie.
*1 I like Rebel Wilson. I want to like her more, I really do. But her ongoing choice of roles is frankly atrocious.
Take a long look in the mirror, Rebel. Or just watch Grimsby. Either/or.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Big Hero 6 (2D / second-pass)
Cert: PG / 114 mins / Dir. Don Hall & Chris Williams / Trailer
What an amazing film. Messrs Hall & Williams' animated buddy/superhero flick goes from strength to strength, and I suspect I left slightly too long a gap between my first viewing when the film was still in its UK preview status, and catching it on general release*1. The memory of how much fun Big Hero 6 is was still prominent in my memory, but I'd somehow forgotten that the film's sentimental core was quite this strong.
What I'm saying is that rather than have my eyes filling up at a couple of points near the end, I spent most of the first half of the film on the verge of blubbing, as emotional bookmarks were placed that would be referred back to later. These call-forwards make re-watching the film massively rewarding, and I confess that I was so wrapped up in the story of Hiro, Tadashi and Baymax that I didn't notice any of the visual Easter-eggs. Even the ones which I knew were there.
Despite by words below*1, there really is no equivalent to watching a film like Big Hero 6 on a massive cinema-screen with full surround sound (yes, I know your television's great, but your living-room wasn't designed for watching movies in the way that a cinema is). Go and see this at the flicks while you've still got the option; you'll thank me for it.
Best bit: after the closing credits - which seem far longer than they are because a) four distinct pieces of music play behind them, and b) animated works always have more names attached by virtue of the film-making process, - the post-credits scene played out in all its glory and Mrs Blackout turned to me and wryly commented "I can't believe you made me sit through all those names for that".
Y'know, as if this isn't the finest cinematic coda that's ever existed :P
It is, but see my rant*1, below.
Buy.
It does.
It does.
*looks over glasses*.
Still didn't hear one, and I was listening out for it this time. Although as I was even more wrapped up in the film than last time, who knows?
The voice of Baymax, Scott Adsit, appeared in 2010's Last Night, a film starring Keira Knightley (handmaiden Sabé in The Phantom Menace).
*1 Seriously Disney, you have to sort your release-schedules out. Big Hero 6 is a great movie, and you want as many people to see it as possible. As a fan of the film and a fan of cinema in general, this is also what I want. When the movie opened in the US on November 7th 2014 to critical and audience acclaim, geeks around the world took notice. This created a bit of buzz. Buzz is good. The general release date for the UK was 30th January, the best part of 3 months later.
The gap between the US and UK releases was enough to get people hyped for the film, but it was also enough for pristine copies to start appearing illegally online. What this means, in actual real financial terms, is that rather than families or groups of viewers spending £10+ each to see the film at their local multiplex, they could watch it in flawless HD at home for free, before it was even showing at the cinema. And I this is the case, because I know three separate groups of people who did just that. And these aren't 'people who never go to the cinema'; they're casual visitors who just didn't want to wait for something that everyone (including Disney) has told them is awesome.
Can I condone it? Of course not.
Can I condemn it, when I've been the one telling them how fantastic the film is after seeing it on its 'preview weekend'? Hardly.
This scenario is the very reason that global-release dates started appearing in the early 2000s. It's especially important now, as the gap between theatrical, VOD and home-releases constantly shrinks. You need to understand Disney, that most of your cinema-going audience has no particular loyalty to either the studio, the film nor the cinema itself. If the audience can save the money on the film and spend it on another outing; they'll do just that.
You know how autocomplete works, don't you Disney? It's basically an input-box's habit of remembering earlier search queries and offering the most frequent ones in response to a partially typed entry. This is the actual Google autocomplete for the UK release date of Big Hero 6:
Your may not think that your staggered release pattern is having an adverse affect on box office returns, Disney, but it's making a joke of your reputation.
[/rant]
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Big Hero 6 (3D)
Cert: PG / 114 mins / Dir. Don Hall & Chris Williams / Trailer
And so, the UK finally gets its sweaty paws on Disney's latest offering - a re-tooling of the Marvel comic Big Hero 6 (think of a Manga mashup between Teen Titans and Robocop). The film follows 14yr old Hiro and the inflatable medical robot that his older brother designed, Baymax, as they team up with a team of students from the robotics engineering lab of San Fransokyo university, to stop a mysterious villain unleashing chaos with an army of stolen microbots…
Sound over the top? Of course it bloody does, and it's that excess which makes the film what it is; a heart-warming, adrenaline-pumping, tear-welling*1 adventure yarn. The film is every bit as Pixar-gorgeous as you'd expect - 3D included - and is crammed with all the Easter-eggs you could wish for (including the severed head of Wall-E's Eve, and the best Stan Lee cameo you'll see this year*2).
Big Hero 6's story doesn't always flow as organically as it did in its spiritual predecessor, Wreck-It Ralph, and a couple of the major plot points are telegraphed fairly heavily, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment one iota. There's a built-in animated short before the film titled Feast, which is every bit as charming as its fore-runners Paper Man and The Blue Umbrella, and will set you in the perfect frame of mind for the film to come...
…And yes, you have to stay until the end of the credits. It's only an extra five-minutes, and you'll thank me (or more importantly, Disney) for it.
It is, yes.
Buy it, because the re-watch value in this movie is going to be enormous.
Most of the cast are new to me I'm afraid, but I love their work here.
It does, indeed.
Just a little. No more, though.
Didn't hear one this time, but I'll keep an ear out for it when I re-watch the film.
Jamie Chung, the voice of Go Go, had a role in 2011's Sucker Punch, as did a certain Oscar Isaac, who appears later this year in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
*1 Yes, I did a little cry. Okay yes, twice. They were happy cries, not sad cries. No, you shut up.
*2 And with Age of UltronandAnt-Man on the horizon, you know we're in for at least two…
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
Let's Be Cops Cert: 15 / 104 mins / Dir. Luke Greenfield
Okay, here's the film… Loser flatmates / Fancy-dress with inexplicably genuine police uniforms / Bad gangster men / Comedic abuse of power / Buy police car off Ebay, explained in exactly the same amount of detail as in trailer / Authority not even questioned by actual police / Ladies like police though, yes? / Staking out gangsters with 10yr old boy in tow for some reason / Ladies like police, Yes! / FIGHTING! / Follow your heart, man / Hah, solved case and not even police! / OH NOES! POLICE MAN BAD! / Rescue friend! / SHOOTING! / I love you, man / SHOOTING! / No-one dead: smiles.
Top-and-tail with Backstreet Boys (audio).
I wanted to enjoy this, that's the sad part. Sure, the trailer's ropey, but it looks like the film could at least be a bit fun when it lets go, right? Sadly, 'Let's Be Cops' is like a laboured Mark Wahlberg / Kevin Hart buddy-cop vehicle which has been inexplicably turned down by both performers, had its plot outline translated into a foreign language with BabelFish and then back again by the same device, ran through an algorithm to deaden the timing of all sight-gags, and had the subplots edited in by someone who hasn't read the script. And then a black guy does a slightly racist 'Chinese' impersonation but says that it's slightly racist which makes it not racist, somehow. Oh, and they become friends with the rasta/crusty/yardie man they comedically waterboard, so that's not offensive, either. For once, the Eastern European Gangsters™ are actually underplayed by comparison.
Strangely, the only actor who escapes relatively lightly is actual thesp James D'Arcy, and that's only because he's playing his slimy-gangster part straight as if he was starring in Die Hard 6.
A Bruce Willis adversary is the only decent thing about this film.
It's got a few laughs, but there are more misses than hits, here. Like a computer-generated first-draft of every substandard buddy-cop film you've seen over the last ten years, Let's Be Cops is even mediocre at being properly crap.
The trailer is funnier than the film. Which should tell you all you need to know.
Nope.
No, it falls short even by its own lax standards.
If anything, telly. But you can die without having ticked this one off your list, really.
Nah. Can't be arsed.
I shouldn't imagine so.
Not that I heard.
Why has this been released in August? This is a March/October, graveyard-slot, type film.
DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.
