Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Out of the Shadows

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Cert: 12A / 112 mins / Dir. Dave Green / Trailer



Has it really been 18 months since the last one of these? It's ironic that a movie so largely forgettable seems more recent than that. No matter, Mr Bay's back in town with everyone's favourite adolescent amniotes; whooping, shrieking and high-fiving their way through the night-time streets of New York like the X-Men wired on Sunny D.

The thematic groundwork for this sequel was laid back in 2014, so the enforced coolness of Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo and Donatello should be about as surprising as Megan Fox in a Britney-esque schoolgirl outfit (for plot reasons, honest) or Will Arnett autopiloting his way through the screenplay. But I've got to admit that this movie's a lot more comfortable in its own skin than its predecessor. For all the hyperkinetic camerawork and Saturday-morning-cartoon plot about interdimensional lego-building, the film's saving grace is that it's not trying to play the manchild-nostalgia card this time: TMNTOOTS*¹ is unashamedly a kids' film. Not a particularly great kids' film, but it at least forgives the movie its worst excesses and scattershot humour.

The film channels many influences once again, and feels for all the world like Christopher Nolan's Batman by the way of 1993's Super Mario Brothers. If it'd just slowed the hell down I'd probably have engaged with things a lot more, but that's like asking the Terminator not to shoot people.

And I almost can't believe I'm writing this, but the Turtles have far more in the way of individual personalities and development this time around, and it makes their scenes together pretty enjoyable. That said, everything else that's going on is a bit like watching a toddler playing with action figures: you're vaguely aware of the general story being acted out, but any narrative detail or nuance exists solely in the mind of the one wielding the toys...

All in all: perfectly acceptable, all things considered. I can't get annoyed with it*² as I have with the week's other big release, because at least it's fun. Headache-inducing fun, but largely good-natured, nonetheless.

Oh, and did anyone else notice that when Will Arnett's Vernon steals the security camera from the lab, the timestamp on the in-cam footage says 18:04, yet it's broad daylight outside when Donatello mentioned earlier in the film that it's set around Hallow'een, so it'd be dark by then?

Oh, just me then…

The first one, pretty much.



Only if you're a fan already.



Pretty much, but it doesn't aim particularly high.



Not particularly.



Not at all.



There isn't, but there is a boot-shot.



Level 2: There's a veritable shit-ton of behind the scenes folks who've worked on various Star Wars projects involved in TMNT, but let's stick with the screen-friendly choice of Mr Will Arnett, who provided the voice of Batman in The Lego Movie, which also featured the vocal talents of Liam 'Qui-Gonn' Neeson, Anthony 'C-3PO' Daniels and Billy Dee 'Lando' Williams.



*¹ Which is what all the cool kids are calling it.
*² Mind you, the script uses "ninjas" as the plural of ninja. Yeah, let's just give up now with that one.



DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Warcraft - The Beginning

Warcraft: The Beginning (3D)
Cert: 12A / 123 mins / Dir. Duncan Jones / Trailer

WAR-ASSIC BERK!
Tolkien-Saurus Clone Shows Critical Gaps in its DNA...

Top Tinseltown Movieologists unveiled their newest creation to the public today, amid a level of face-palming which could set the global medical profession back years as they struggle to deal with the mass concussion caused by the blows. Blizzard Entertainment and Legendary Pictures' Warcraft: The Beginning is the first (nominally) successful attempt at Selective Celluloid Cloning, a process which takes as its basis an already well-received title or genre, then retools it to a point where the newly-produced film shamelessly evokes the visuals of its progenitor, whilst being as spiritually satisfying as eating a cardboard box.

In a move discovered after watching Jurassic Park too many times, a Universal Studios research team realised that much like the aggression and unpredictability of a Tyrannosaur, a final-draft screenplay could be created which was based entirely on a pre-existing property (even someone else's) but with any challenging or troublesome aspects surgically removed, in a bid to prevent after-film conversations in the cinema-foyer or pub. "The last thing we want is our customers dissecting the very thing they've just paid for," said CEO Ian Universal, 58, "I think we all know where that would end…"

SUBTEXT
Warcraft's director Duncan Jones, 45, told us "As creatively engaging as it was to work on Moon and Source Code, what I'd always wanted to do was re-create The Lord of the Rings, but without any of that socio-political subtext or character development. Y'know, just the fighting. When I saw Peter Jackson devalue both his own and Tolkien's work in the needlessly drawn-out Hobbit movies, I saw that as a challenge to go further with the idea. Imagine taking a world which has already been created as a shameless and unlicensed homage to arguably the most important fantasy epic of all time, and using it to tell an overly-simplistic tale of two armies that can't stop twatting each other with swords! Imagine that! Two hours of watching someone else play a computer game! In 3D! And if I make one of the 'characters' a bit grumpy or sad about all the fighting, that's the same as me having thought about it."

TELETEXT
In a statement issued this morning fro Birtley University, film historian Ken Pigby, 42, took a different view: "It's a long-standing truism of course that cinematic entertainment based on branded video-games is about as easy to get 'right' as actual alchemy. We'd be absolutely delighted to see anyone achieve it, but all historical, scientific and even anecdotal evidence suggests it simply can't be done. The fact that the Warcraft games are based on real-time strategy rather than running through rooms shooting people makes it no easier a challenge, simply a different one. Likewise, the interactive-nature and popularity of the original source material does little other than establish a larger core-audience to be disappointed by the project's inevitable failure. I mean, I quite enjoy gardening, it doesn't mean that having Dominic Cooper and Travis Fimmel bedding in shrubs for two hours is going to make a great film…"

SCOTTISH WEATHER VIEW
General critical response has also pointed out that even last year's Jurassic World wasn't this transparently insulting in its misguided dumbing-down of the source-material, since it was at least based on a thing which was inherently cinematic to begin with. "It's coming to something," said Pigby, "when the only game-to-movie adaptation that brings anything extra to its intellectual-property is the U-rated Angry Birds, developed from a game based entirely on physics and slapstick humour."

"Yes. A succession of anthropomorphised avians being fired point-blank into a brick wall has more to offer than Warcraft: The Beginning…"

---

Watching someone else play a computer game without explaining the difference between what they're meant to be doing and what they are doing.



Well, once the credits started rolling I pulled out my phone to send a suitably furious tweet. By the time I'd done that, the entire audience had left the auditorium, bar three people (including me). Now if the people who'd just watched it couldn't wait to leave…



I genuinely have no fucking clue.



No.



Yes.



There is, during the Orcs' first encounter with the humans*².
Not that it's any consolation.



Level 1: Warcraft: The Beginning features the work of Clancy 'Savage Opress' Brown and Toby 'additional voices in The Old Republic' Kebbell*¹.



And it only gets a 2 because some of the visuals are quite nice. But by no means all of them, and by no means all of the time.


*¹ Look, I've told you before, that shit counts. If it was on my CV, it'd be the first thing I'd tell anyone I met...

*² Speaking of which, if Ben 'Guardian' Foster can teleport over vast distances taking other people with him, what are his party doing traipsing through the forest on foot when the attack happens?



DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: All Things Must Pass

All Things Must Pass: The Rise and Fall of Tower Records
Cert: 15 / 93 mins / Dir. Colin Hanks / Trailer



Ah, Tower Records. As a kid raised on HMV and Our Price, the red and yellow signage of America's most successful music-retail empire was still like a magnet to me the first time I visited That London. As I recall, it was that day which resulted in my much cherished (and still archived) cassette versions of Metallica's Kill 'Em All and Ride The Lightning. Alas, by the time I started dropping into the capital on a regular basis, Tower's name was fondly remembered dust and its Piccadilly Circus unit let out to some gift-store or other (although HMV on Oxford street still has a place in my heart. And wallet). Back in the days of physical-media, there was an idea among music fans - particularly if you had to travel out of your home-town to visit the iconic stores - that this wouldn't just be a copy of the record like your friends had, this would be a copy from Tower Records. It was like becoming part of the extended family, somehow.

And it's that family-aesthetic which runs through Colin Hanks' documentary following Tower Records, from its founding in 1960 by Russell Solomon in his father's drugstore in Sacremento, California, all the way through to the company's insolvency in 2006. The film's principal 'cast' are the core staff and management over the years, as they speak candidly about their time with Solomon. As you'd expect, there are very few bad words spoken about the company internally, but it's also pleasantly surprising that everyone involved still has such an emotional connection to the business and their ex-colleagues.

On a wider scope, the documentary serves as a barometer of the music-retail busines in general, with popular-culture trends being reflected directly in the boom (and bust) of the record store. Throughout all the tales of sex, drugs and sleeping overnight in the stockroom, it's clear that Solomon ran it as a business first-and-foremost, and a party second. But what a party. Ultimately though, the documentary doesn't shy away from the fact that the consumer-market moved on towards the end of the twentieth century, while Tower's business-model didn't. The talking-heads seem a little bitter once the film reaches the MP3 revolution and how the industry reacted to it, but a documentary is only going to be as objective as the people it interviews.

Because of the historical context of the film, there's a large amount of archive-footage, but it's accompanied almost entirely by the ongoing interviews and voiceovers. While it's always fascinating, the film covers forty six years in ninety minutes, so often feels a little rushed, particularly in the first half hour during the initial creation and expansion of Tower. Colin Hanks has created a touching cinematic monument to a business which was a commercial behemoth. Music fans of a certain age and above will look upon it fondly, but I've got a feeling that those who weren't around for at least some of the company's lifespan will view with the same raised eyebrow as they do the cassette player.

Thanks for everything you've done, Russ. And thanks to Colin Hanks for reminding me that some people managed to dedicate their lives to music without being musicians, loving each day in their jobs. Which served to remind me that I'm wasting my life in an office…

All Things Must Pass is available now in digital and hard-copy formats, depending on which generation you're a part of ;)



As you know, I've not got a huge frame of reference when it comes to documentary films, but if you enjoyed A Band Called Death, give this a whirl.



It does.



I won't.



Level 2: Director Colin Hanks starred in Band of Brothers, as did Mr Marc Warren, who was Obi-Wan Kenobi's stunt stand-in for The Phantom Menace. No, seriously, you get to see him in the behind-the-scenes vids on the DVD. Sure, it's a tenuous link, but it's as good as any for a documentary about the music business...





DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: The Nice Guys

The Nice Guys
Cert: 15 / 116 mins / Dir. Shane Black / Trailer



While I try to remain open minded about the film business (no really, I try), first impressions count for a lot in this game and Shane Black's new buddy-actioner was on an uphill climb with me from the first time I saw the poster. Everything checks-in tonally, but the title and tag-line combination The Nice Guys: They're Not That Nice indicated that this would be a film which revelled in explaining its own jokes. And it was because of this that I was also lukewarm to to the trailers when they arrived, promising a film which couldn't quite commit to the raucous comedy that was clearly taking place in the background. Yep, catch me on the wrong day and I'll be the worst audience you could want for your movie. But hey, at least I'm upfront about that.

Nevertheless, I was still going to watch The Nice Guys, of course. While I've never exactly raved about the principal cast, this was the new movie from the director of Iron Man 3, for crying out loud. Alas, I needn't have worried after all that. Black's crime-romp is a sort of garishly-lit 1970s noir which, while it's consistently funny, is a lot more deadpan than the pacing of the trailer suggests. The film opens with dual-voiceovers from both private investigator Holland March (Ryan Gosling) and private enforcer Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), narrating the similarly haphazard state of their lives and the circumstances that bring them together; the untimely death of porn-actress Misty Mountains, and disappearance of the Chief of Justice's daughter, Amelia. That the two are linked is in no doubt, how the two are linked will take the investigative pair on a trail of intrigue which goes full-circle through the criminal underworld, adult film-industry, automotive industry and law enforcement itself…

Now how much you enjoy the film will probably depend on how you're watching it. Personally I had it categorised as a comedy before we started, and the film is laugh-out-loud funny in its own alternative way. The film works as an actioner, but car-chases and fight-scenes aren't the strongest weapon in its arsenal; that would be the laughs. The screenplay's humour is by no means 'dark', but the director brings a certain bleakness to this caper which undercuts the gags, turning most of them from hearty guffaws to dry chuckles*¹. While there's always plenty going on, The Nice Guys often feels like it should be more fun than it is (although I also believe it's a better film for all that). Russell Crowe makes for a reassuringly solid comic straight-man and excels when he's hitting or shooting people, but struggles with his own humorous lines in comparison to Ryan Gosling (who seems far more comfortable as Hapless Fool™ than he does in many of his dramatic roles).

While the two leads carry most of the film, an honourable mention has to go to Angourie Rice as March's daughter, Holly. Her comic timing is perfect, and acting as the mature-half in the relationship with Gosling as her inept father, easily handles the most subtle role in the film with arguably more skill than any of the grown-ups handle their more pedestrian ones. Oh, and while I'm on, what's with the soft-focus on Kim Basinger's close-ups? You'd think after hiring her, they'd at least have the common courtesy of showing her face properly. If it's an in-joke to the way that 'mature' actresses used to be treated in Hollywood, then it's out-of-keeping with the realist 1970s aesthetic; if it's meant to be cinematic politeness, then it comes off as the underhanded opposite.

Too cynical and self-aware to be a mainstream smash, but too much fun for a serious statement, I think that this movie will gain more of a cult-status than the casting and marketing would suggest. As fantastic as the end result is, The Nice Guys can never quite decide if it wants to be a black comedy or a wry, self-effacing action movie.

But even though the two strands never quite join seamlessly, it still makes a pretty good stab at them both…

It's a sort of halfway-house between L.A. Confidential and Inherent Vice, with maybe a smattering of Jackie Brown thrown in for good measure.



Only if you like 'em big and loud.



Just about, yeah.



Not quite, but damned close.



Probably not.



There isn't, although we do get a boot-shot and a "I've got a bad feeling about this…"
(The film is set in 1977 yet there's not a mention of Star Wars to be seen. Well played, Mr Black. No, seriously: few writers would have been able to resist that one.)



Level 2: Let's go for the easiest route here: Ryan Gosling is due to star in the upcoming Blade Runner sequel, as is Harrison 'Solo' Ford...



^^ That's not necessarily a strong 6, but it's definitely a better movie than a 5 would indicate.

*¹ Although not everyone took the comedy in a contemplative, genre-defying manner. One particular patron sat two rows behind me found the film so hilarious that they started laughing when the BBFC card was displayed. I wish I was joking about that. Still, they enjoyed it very much, it's safe to say…


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

Review: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Cert: 15 / 112 mins / Dir. John Requa & Glenn Ficarra / Trailer



I don't always see films in which A-Ha's Take On Me is sung badly by one of the male characters, but when I do, I like to watch two in the same week. Mind you, the same also goes for Martin Freeman struggling under the weight of an accent that's not his own, so Whiskey Tango Foxtrot makes that a double occurrence, too. Especially since Freeman's also the one making Morten Harket spin in his premature grave…

This adaptation of the bestselling memoirs of TV war-correspondent Kim Barker goes the classic melodramatic route of peppering its first act with gags and witty asides, largely to be used as a direct comparison against the third act where all the drama and poignancy is. The problem is that WTF is neither as funny nor poignant as it'd like to think it is, and that's underlined by Tina Fey and Margot Robbie over-acting in almost every one of their scenes. Although the situation in Afghanistan was (is) extreme, gallows-humour requires a delicate touch, and there are many gradations of drama/comedy required in the emotional roller-coaster which is 'the modern war film'. While Fey/Robbie certainly don't de-rail that roller-coaster, their performances are either on one or ten, leaving it to the supporting cast to fill in the blanks. It also doesn't help that Tina Fey has a habit of pulling a comedy-face after delivering each joke*¹; you can take the girl out of SNL…

The film works on a bare-bones level, and I did care for the characters (even the aforementioned Martin Freeman's one, despite his vocal performance being a needless insult to Scotland), but I always felt like I should be caring more, somehow. I get the impression that a documentary on Kim Barker's work would be far more affecting, not least because it wouldn't feel the need to try so hard.

While Whiskey Tango Foxtrot skilfully (and thankfully) avoids flag-waving, the film struggles with the humanitarian side of modern warfare, which is pretty much its sole remit, when you think about it.

Co-directors John Requa and Glenn Ficarra do their best of making unlikeable characters valued and unbearable situations compelling, but I can't help feel that a lot has been lost on the journey from page to screen…

Self-indulgent drama like Burnt.



The cinema's not going to be essential to enjoying this, no.



Personally, I don't think so.
Although I seem to be in a minority.



No, everyone on-board here has been more focused in other movies.



Probably not.



Definitely not.



Level 2: Alfred Molina turns up in this, and he was in Raiders of the Lost Ark along with that Harrison 'Solo' Ford chap...





And seriously though, look at that…


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Seat F14. Bastards.
I saw five movies that day (a new personal record), and all I wanted was seat F12 for my Cineworld Ticket-Stub Bingo win. But not only was that seat taken when I booked, the guy was already in it when I got into the auditorium. The only person in there. Doing a crossword, of all things. Like the fucker had been parked-up all day*², just so that I wouldn't win the prize.
What an absolute bastard.
Because my showings were so close together, I couldn't book them all online as the system classes anything starting within 45 minutes of the previous film as 'overlapping', so only the on-site staff can over-ride that. You can't plan this shit, you know; you only win Cineworld Ticket-Stub Bingo with a combination of luck and skill.
I've heard the prize is fantastic, although no-one there will tell me what it is.
But I suppose there's always next time…


*¹ Although Fey's to-camera mugging pales in comparison to the 'Kabul's first female driver' spot, in which she watches the joke occur and then literally explains to the audience why it's funny. And unlike a Stewart Lee routine, it's not given any new level of nuance by this happening.

*² He hadn't, obviously, as I'd seen Angry birds in the seat between us both not half an hour earlier. But still.

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
• Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.
• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organisations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.