64: If I was half my age!

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.


For those of you that don't know (and/or haven't worked it out yet), I live in the UK. I, like many people, moan about the weather, the health service, the postal service and the licensing hours. I, like most people who moan, don't actually mean any of it. I know that we're ridiculously priviledged in the UK. But we're British; we like moaning about stuff.

But there is one thing I'm still allowed to moan about. Stupid people. As well as variable-but-non-life-threatening weather, a free health service, and arguably the finest postal service in the world, we have a surfeit of thickos. As I've said before, I'm no rocket scientist, but I know my limits.

So let me get back to the licensing laws. In the UK, it's an offence to purchase, or attempt to purchase, alcoholic beverage if you're under 18 years of age. "Under 18 years of age." Despite all the hysteria in the Daily Mail, it's a strategy that's worked pretty well so far. It's also a bit of a wtf moment for me to realise that I've been enjoying the demon-drink legally for 18 years. I'm 36, you see. In terms of maturity, you could well believe otherwise, but I have actually spent 36 chonological years on this planet.

It's the anniversary of me and my good lady tomorrow (Hallow'een - how cool is that?), so after work today I popped into the local Sainsbury's for a bottle of fizz and some roses (yes, I'm that guy). As it's friday, and I had a list of things to do, I also picked up a Newcastle Brown for the completion of said list.



So there I am, basket in hand at the checkout, and the girl on duty cards me. She looks at the alcohol, looks at me, looks at the alcohol again (in case it's changed to pop?), and looks back at me. Then starts with:

"Do you have any I.D?"
"I'm sorry, say again?"
"Identification. For the alcohol"
"...Oh right, I'm sorry, I'm a little past that now, so I'm afraid I don't."

// she looks around arkwardly

"I haven't carried any I.D. for quite a few years now."

// she gestures for her line manager, who looks at the bottle, looks at me, and nods at the girl without a second thought. The transaction then goes ahead, and no-one has to get a slap.

I had initially thought that she meant she had to get clearance from her supervisor to sell me alcohol. If a checkout operator is old enough to work there, but under 18, they can't serve you without their line manager overseeing it. But no. She clearly thought that I was under the legal age to buy alcohol.

Many (most, in fact) stores in the UK operate the 'challenge 21' policy; whereby if a customer looks like they might be 21 or under, they get carded, just in case they're an 'old' looking 17yr old. Some stores operate 'challenge 25'. But the law is the same, 18 is the legal age to buy alcohol; 21 and 25 are just 'ballpark' points to ask customers for I.D.

Now, I'm not conceited enough to think that I'm a good-looking bastard, but I am aware that I look young for my age. Result of a stupidly-easy life I suppose. But do I really look that young? No. No I fucking don't. In order for me to break the law, I'd have to be LESS THAN HALF MY ACTUAL AGE. Even if I halfed my fucking age, I'd STILL be legal to buy alcohol. Could I pass for 30? More than likely. 25? Hmmm, on a good day possibly. 17? Fuck off.

Maybe she'd seen me browsing the Star Wars figures five minutes earlier? Not unless she's got eyes in the back of her fucking head, no. For fuck's sake. "She's just doing her job!", you cry. Well, I'll think you'll find her job entails a bit of common fucking sense, like thinking 'does this guy REALLY look like a nervous 17yr old?' Don't get me wrong, she was quite pleasant about the whole thing, and suitably embarassed afterwards, but for fuck's sake. The really stupid thing is that this isn't even the first time it's happened! It's about the fucking fourth! But each time, I'm a little bit older, and I figure the ongoing probability of it happening again is diminishing. Never bank on probability where idiots are involved.

There, that's better.

+++

And while I'm on;

Saw this in WHSmith today. It's a magazine/book detailing the backgrounds of two of the best loved comedians of the early 20th century...



The lighter side, you say? You mean the history of Laurel and Hardy that doesn't involve child-murder, bribery, corporate fraud and witchcraft? Oh great, I'm tired of reading about all that stuff. Mind you, they did pioneer the silent-film equivalent of Hostel, didn't they? They didn't? Oh.

+++

So, if I'm filling in a prize-crossword or quiz in a magazine, and I use one of these...



...then I'll win, no matter what I put in, right?

+++

Now, as you'll all know, "Save The Children" is a famous charity that does a lot of great work, and the British "Children in Need" appeal uses Pudsey Bear as its mascot, also to do excellent stuff.



...which makes "Pudsey save the children collection" sound like the money will go from the bucket and straight into someone's pocket. And as for "Refreshments proceeds to Epilepsy Charity"? At least have the decency to make a fucking name up before you keep my money!

+++



No comment about this one, it just made me laugh out loud in a public place. Didn't investigate the actual story in the magazine, I do have some dignity.

+++

I don't know if Mr. Glitter has seen the latest range of Star Wars celebration cakes, but I'd be grateful if someone could keep him distracted as he walks past these...




...because it's not that kind of special offer.

+++



Don't buy toys for your kids in Poundland. This one comes with two combs, a saddle and a FUCKING BLADE TO CUT YOU UP, YOU SLAG!

You've got to love the guy in the toy factory in China who says "It's okay, I know English, I'LL do the layout for the packaging..."

+++

And if you're not going to buy your kids' toys in Poundland, that means you've got more money left over for PR0N! Really. For one pound.




Yes, it really is; And no, of course I fucking didn't.
(Eagle-eyed viewers will notice a series of Laurel and Hardy DVDs next to the pr0n, this clearly is the 18-rated section, with their collection of Saw-prequels... I can't wait to learn about the lighter side of it all)

+++

Back on the old "restricted sale" items, these people have a policy in place...



...and I've got one too. I won't buy restricted items from people who use apostrophes for plurals and think the plural of knife is knifes (bizzarely, without an apostrophe).



Oh, and two windows down, they're at it again, with random apostrophage. And I don't know what a "computor" game is, but they sound dangerous.

+++

I know from looking at those it seems like I spend a lot of time in poundy-shops, but they are good for bubble envelopes and CD cases.

And that's been my "stupid world" this week. And I know I haven't stuck the whole 12-days thing with the Star Wars reviews. Work committments I'm afraid. Pfff.

Peace out, y'all!



DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organizations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.


DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

63: Twelve Movies - The Battle for Endor

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.



12 Days: 12 Movies – Special Edition
Day Six: Ewoks: The Battle For Endor
(1985, 97mins, Dir. Jim and Ken Wheat)



Dear lord that film’s about half an hour too long. Who knew that the usually magnificent Carel Struycken could be so shite as Terak? It’s late and I’ve got limited patience after watching that, so this review may be a bit of a mish-mash...

The movie takes place about six months after Caravan of Courage, hence Mace and Cindel have visibly aged. A greater transformation has taken place in their parents however, as Catarine, their mother, is played by an actress who didn’t want to show her face, and their dad’s transformed into the excellent Paul “Breakfast Club” Gleason. That doesn’t matter, however, as Cindel’s brother and both parents are dead before the movie’s hit the ten-minute mark (did I mention? SPOILERS!). After the first movie, I’d have thought that they really couldn’t afford to get rid of Mace... and they proved me right. Although to be fair, there are far bigger problems here than the lack of Eric Walker.

This time round, Wicket has managed to learn basic... erm, basic (the GFFA term for ‘English’) remarkably well. His usage is limited, but he’s grasped the mechanics of the language very nicely considering he’ll have completely forgotten is by the time Princess Leia gets to know him. If only Wicket’s costume was as impressive. On par with the last film, it looks like it’s been used to clean the studio inbetween movies. Which is odd, because there are clearly higher production values this time around, as displayed in the opening family-killing battle.

Also worth mentioning is the awesome stop-motion on display. The boys at ILM developed a creature which looks like the genetic mashing of a Velociraptor and a Dewback, and by god they’re not afraid to show it off!




Anyway, back to the plot. A bunch of Sanyassan Marauders who’d been shipwrecked on Endor for 100 years or so managed to go undetected by the Ewoks, and attack the village one day, killing half the tribe and kidnapping the other half. It turns out the leader, Terak is hell bent on getting a power supply for some manner of ‘magic’, and wants Cindel to unlock her family’s ship’s power-cell. So far, so fairytale.

Cindel and Wicket escape, and meet up with another shipwrecked inhabitant, Noa (really? Is the centre of Endor a giant magnet or something?), who’s the second person in the GFFA to wear glasses (after The Holiday Special’s Saundan). Noa is accompanied by Teek, who displays some of the best puppetry in the whole film, even if he is the most deeply annoying character. Noa’s a gruff old loner (apart from his fucking annoying sidekick) whose character has been designed so sympathetically that we don’t actually buy the ‘gruff’ part. No matter, it’s a kid’s movie after all.

The one question that wouldn’t leave me was: Why didn’t the Empire use Terak’s castle-remains as the basis for their shield generator in ...Jedi? It would have been much easier to defend on account of it being a fucking castle.



The Good: The homage to the Falcon dogfight from ANH when Noa’s ship’s power returns. The costume set and sound design ensure that it feels like Star Wars- although you’ll probably wish it didn’t. There’s a shot of the castle with the gas-giant of Endor in the sky behind, that I think may have served as inspiration in Tartakovsky’s Clone Wars cartoon...




The Bad: Terak’s henchmen seem to have bought their outfits at the same charity shop as Jabba’s guards. Noa’s “getting dressed for action” sequence, featuring buckles and clasps snapping into place as Noa dons... essentially the same outfit. Terak’s gargly version of Scarface’s accent. How come the Ewoks forgot to mention to the Towani family about the fucking-batshit-crazy marauders that lived in the old castle just over the ridge?

The Ugly: Marianne Horine playing the ‘good’ disguise of the evil witch Charal. I know it’s basically pantomime, but she’s just fucking awful. She makes Sian Philips’ portrayal of the alter-ego almost convincing...

Best Line: “Stay away, get help!”, Mace Towani giving Cindel the advice she should have had as the contract for this movie was put in front of her...

My biased rating: 4/10
For a movie that’s often rated above Caravan..., I didn’t like it as much. Too many characters speaking in basic makes for clumsy storytelling. The first one had way more charm.


Tomorrow: The Phantom Menace

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organizations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.

62: Review - Sorry For Partyin'

Sorry For Partyin' by Bowling for Soup
2009, Jive Records (USA), A&G Records (UK)



And so, Bowling For Soup return after 2006's The Great Burrito Extortion Case. But they haven't been sitting on their arses; they've been gigging more or less constantly over that time, including a tour for last year's live DVD (which most bands use an excuse not to tour), as well as celebrating their 15th anniversary and appearing on Phineas and Ferb.
Sorry For Partyin' is the band's 10th studio album (there are shitloads of extra BFS tracks around if you look for them).



Track by Track:

01 A Really Cool Dance Song
A powerful opening track, with plenty of sly digs at bands who change their sound to suit a demographic or just sell more records. The only thing I don't get is... it doesn't sound like a "dance" song to me. Maybe it's a USA/UK thing, but dance music in the UK doesn't have any guitars, let alone distorted ones. It also rarely has the structure of a rock song, and (IMHO) doesn't have the personality of a BFS track. I spoke to Jaret earlier this week and mentioned my confusion, and he said the song's basically aimed at The Killers. Still not what I'd call "dance", but fair enough! That aside, a great song.

02 No Hablo Inglés
This is the second 'push' song from the album, which is what I think of as an instant BFS classic; which is to say that you love it before you've finished listening to it for the first time. A great party track, and one that the guys will be playing for years to come.

03 My Wena
This track was the first single from the album, the video for which featured a young lady in a seven-foot winkie costume. While this didn't bother me at all, I know some people thought that BFS had finally taken the joke a little too far. I know the band have had some difficulty in getting the video played on TV and had to make a 'clean' version of the video, so there may be something in that.
Video aside, you have to admire a song that's basically a massive double-entendre, and other than the phrase "take a look at my Wena", manages to stay on the side of playful innocence for the entire track.
Apart from anything else, this track serves as a great "f--- off" to the people that were moaning about BFS becoming sanitised and doing too many songs for Disney.

04 Only Young
Not too sure about this one. Lyrics and melody are sound, but it's not a big ballad, and it's not a humourous song; and those are the things that BFS do best. And while I know that the line "we're only young" is metaphorical, I can't shake off the knowledge that they're the same age as me. While I'm certainly immature (quite possibly more than BFS), even I can't pass myself off as young any more...

05 I Don't Wish You Were Dead Anymore
This is what I'm talking about! By the time the second verse had begun, I knew this was going to be one of my favourite BFS songs. Insanely catchy rock'n'roll with a humourous base-statement. I love this track. Beautiful chord progressions and harmonies, too, which shows what a great bunch of songwriters and musicians Bowling For Soup are.

06 BFFF
I found this one very reminiscent of the tracks on ...Burrito. Again, it's very catchy, and has a fantastic positive message "it's not gay to tell your best friend that you love them - not that there's anything wrong with being gay".
This song is one of the tracks that sums up BFS. Excellent.



07 Me With No You
The only real ballad on the album (which is surprising, because there are also two very solid ones that didn't make the final list in Goodbye Friend and Everything to Me). It'd be a dis-service to call this 'by the numbers', but it is everything you've come to expect from a BFS ballad. Took me a couple of listens to get into, but I'm good with it now.

08 Hooray For Beer
Another one that took me a couple of listens to really grasp, which is surprising considering this is a fan-favourite. Hooray for Beer is exactly what you think it is; a love-song to man's favourite beverage. While I agree with the sentiment, I think there are stronger party-tunes than this on the album.

09 America (Wake Up Amy)
The one that's causing the most confusion at the moment. BFS have never been known for writing political songs, so people are understandably scratching their heads at the line "Wake up America, I don't wanna fight anymore". The song's written with America being 'a beautiful girl', which leads me to the conclusion that if it is a metaphor, it's a bit heavy handed, and if it's not a metaphor, it's too confusing. Apparently when you import the CD into iTunes, the bracketed part comes up as "Wake up Army", which muddies the waters even more...

10 If Only
Another grower here; initially weird because there's no 'proper' verse, just a series of answerphone messages. Weird on a second level because the answerphone messages turn out to be the humourous part of the song while the choruses are straight. Musically great though. Once you know it, you love it.

11 I Gotchoo
If I had to pick a weak-track, I'm afraid this would be the one. Nothing wrong with the track in itself, it's just a different sound for BFS. Think of a cross between Heaven is a half-pipe by OPM and Butterfly by Crazy Town. Yeah, both of those songs are from 2001. Just before BFS broke through with Girl All The Bad Guys Want. I'm not entirely sure why they're going for this sound now, especially when they've already done a track on the album about changing your sound to attract a different crowd?
It's not a "bad" track, it just seems out of place here.

12 Love Goes Boom
This one is underrated, it's being overshadowed by other tracks on the album which shout louder. Musically this is fantastic, with a great 'slow-down' chorus and some killer riffs. When I call this a great 'album-track', it's not playing the song down; I know it hasn't got the personality to be a single, but this is BFS intensity at its best.

13 I Can't Stand L.A.
Along with track 5, this is my other 'instant favourite' of the album. Noisy, jumpy and funny, this is Bowling for Soup. They manage to slag off an entire city in a way that won't offend any of their fans who live there. Marvellous.

14 Belgium (Polka)
Ooh, and another version of Belgium; always welcome! I do love this song, although I didn't like the boy-band version they did on ...Hangover, and we didn't get it at all on ...Burrito, so this is a very pleasant surprise! It's definitely an 'end of the night when everybody's drunk' song, and it helps if you know the original(s), but this is fantastic - never gets old!



Summary: A grower of an album for me. Slightly stronger than ...Burrito, but not as good as ...Hangover. There are a lot of great b-sides which didn't make the album, so I can imagine choosing the tracklist must have been a bitch. Looking forward to hearing these tracks live. If you've not heard any BFS, this is as good a place as any to start!
8.5 out of 10

61: Twelve Movies - Caravan of Courage

CAUTION: Yen's blog contains harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Reader discretion is advised.



12 Days: 12 Movies – Special Edition
Day Five: Ewoks: Caravan of Courage
(1984, 97mins, Dir. John Korty)



For all the folks who claim that Return of the Jedi is a kids film... this is a kids film. The first of two made-for-TV spinoffs, Caravan of Courage is a RotJ prequel, which sees the Towani family crash-land on Endor, near Wicket’s village.

Strange fact: Until 2004, there was nothing to “officially” link this to the Star Wars universe. The word “Ewok” isn’t mentioned in the script of Jedi, and none of the marketing material for these spin-offs had a Star Wars logo on it. The bumph on the back of the VHS releases stated that these were the Ewoks from Jedi, but it wasn’t until the DVD release of the movies that they got the famous logo on the cover. They’re still considered by many not to be part of SW-canon, but only part of Ewok-canon. To me, this is a Star Wars film. If I can accept the Holiday Special, I can take an Ewok movie...

The main human protagonists are Mace (Eric Walker), and his younger sister Cindel (Aubrey Miller). Separated from their parents, the pair encounter the Ewoks, trials are passed, friendships forged etc etc. And Mace gets to wear a fantastic orange flight-suit!

The acting is wildly variable here. Eric Walker does a surprisingly decent job as second-gen Luke Skywalker, and Aubrey Miller’s slight woodenness is excusable given her age. For some reason, their parents played by Guy “Law and Order” Boyd, and Fionnula “The Others” Flannagan are the worst offenders in the acting department. Bloody awful, even if they are playing it “for the kids”.
The Ewok cast, lead by Warwick Davis reprising his role as Wicket, do a very good job bearing in mind they’ve got those suits to break through.

And that’s the only real sore point for me. The Ewoks that looked fairly convincing in Jedi now just look like short folks in furry suits. Blame it on the production values, I guess? It’d be easier to pick on the stop-motion monsters (and the “guy in a suit” giant Gorax), and the fact that the village on Endor seems to have chickens, horses and llamas, but I actually don’t mind those. The movie dips into Willow territory in a couple of places, but that’s no bad thing.



The Good: Great storytelling. People in suits speaking an alien language for lengthy periods of time, but unlike the Holiday Special, you actually know what the hell’s going on. As the film goes on, you’ll actually care, too.



The Bad: If you are going to sneak away from the tribe that’s taken you in, saved your life and generally supported you despite you waving a blaster around and not sharing a common language, and leave for an unknown, hostile forest with only that single blaster for protection... why the hell would you sneak away in the middle of the night?



The Ugly: Lucasfilm seem to have stored Warwick Davis’ costume in the broom-cupboard since shooting wrapped on Jedi...

Best Line: “C’mon, it’s okay, I made it!”, Mace Towani, not realising that the spider the size of a very small child wouldn’t be big enough to spin a web the size of five football nets, and that it’s parent wouldn’t be too far away...

My biased rating: 5/10
Simplistic, and definitely a kids’ movie, but a good “family” addition to the canon.

Tomorrow: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor

DISCLAIMERS:
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.

• This is a personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here represent my own thoughts (at the time of writing) and not those of the people, institutions or organizations that I may or may not be related with unless stated explicitly.